It’s been a while since I posted here on the Creative Corner. I guess with any writer, there are those slow periods where one wonders what to write about or is suffering from writer’s block. For me, it was none of those reasons. I’ve been writing, a lot actually but for self mainly. I find it easier to write freely in my journal than online since it’s more personal, and I get to express myself exactly how I’m feeling at the moment. Some who read this may wonder then why I have a blog or writing a book. Good news. Some of those journal pages will be included in the book. Some things need to be said while some need to remain with me. I love to write. I love to express myself. I feel blessed that I get to do that anytime I want, whenever I want. I also find comfort in expressing self through art. Crafting not only allows me to try new projects or make a mess in my room, but to express feelings I am unable to do verbally or through written words. Colors have a way to show one’s emotions or message without doing much. It’s all interpretation and imagination.
Painting is very relaxing to me and helps put my feelings into each stroke. I never ponder on what I’m going to paint, or what color scheme I plan to use. I just dip the paintbrush in and whatever happens, happens. When I cut cardboard, I release any frustrations I have and try not to cut self in the process. Once it’s cut, I feel relieved. Then the fun begins. When I make things out of cardboard, I am asked if I plan such projects. I usually don’t. In fact, I gain ideas when I am out taking a walk. Sometimes I am inspired by other people’s art, but most of the time I just look at a box and begin working without any plans. I don’t measure and never sketch out my creations. I just do it and the results speak for themselves. That’s how I like to live my life, just do it and whatever happens will happen. If a mistake is made, acknowledge it and start over. For the past (almost) 3 years, my life has been about starting over. I had to learn how to cope with it despite my stubbornness to hold on to what once was. I had to let go which is something I struggle with at times.
Spring is here and it is one of my favorite seasons. It’s not only the time when I was born, but it represents newness. It’s a very reflective time for me, because I turn a new age, I think about how far I’ve come, and what I want to do going forward. This is the first year I didn’t have any surgeries. I am happy I get to experience this season without any pending or reoccurring surgeries. However, my hip is still not in good shape. I have problems with balance, and continue to walk with a cane. Traveling via public transportation poses many challenges. Standing on crowded trains with its jerking motion is very uncomfortable and puts pressure on my hip and leg in general. Going up stairs isn’t easy and I have to take my time. The added frustration is constantly looking over your shoulder when people want to rush past you, push, or sneak up behind you. My fear is getting pushed down a flight of stairs. I fell down a flight of stairs when I was in high school. It was in the subway. Thankfully I only suffered from a sore face and broken glasses. I fell a lot during my adolescence. Taking the bus is okay since most of the time I get a seat or someone offers me one. I love to travel and try not to let my limitations hinder me from traveling, but it’s difficult and painful.
I don’t like to complain so I rarely talk about my challenges. I just pray that I will get from point A to point B without incident. However, I am aware of how I feel and taking important steps in dealing with this dilemma. Through hardship, one learns how to swallow their pride. Since I have a lot of pride, it is difficult to ask for help or seek resources that will help me. I quickly had to realize that if I don’t take care of self then I am in trouble. We only get one shot at life, and I want to make the best of it.
I am constantly working and looking for job opportunities. It’s been an incredibly slow process, and at times I want to put the resume away. I am focusing on creative ways to not only obtain employment, but to be my own employer. I am always writing and jotting down ideas and to-do lists. I am working on a draft for something that is not only of interest to me, but I believe will be an interest to others. At least that’s the goal. I am almost done with the book. I can’t wait to finish and pursue publication. The thought of having my happy face on the cover of my book on a bookstore’s shelf excites me. Socially, it is quiet. I try to meet up with friends when possible. I was recently asked if I am dating. I’m laughing as I write this. The answer is no, I am not dating anyone. I laugh, because that word is like a foreign language to me. I will always be interested in dating and relationships because I love to love. I cannot say when I’ll date or whether or not I’ll fall in love. That is truly out of my hands. I will share this tidbit. I would love to be loved by a man, and I’d love to love him. It’s that simple. I am waiting for that, and when those moments of “why am I still single” thoughts pop up, I yell out, “I don’t know, now leave me alone. I have cardboard to find!”
It’s fun to laugh at self sometimes. It takes away the sadness.
The journey continues one step at a time, literally!