Transitional Love part 5

The alarm goes off. It’s 6:15am.

“Makayla, turn off your alarm,” Eric says tapping Makayla’s arm.

She moans and says in a low voice, “It’s over there” pointing to the dresser.

Eric gets out of bed and takes Makayla’s phone.

“How do you turn off this damn thing?” Eric says grumpily.

Makalya sits up and holds her hand out. Eric gives her the phone and she turns off the alarm. “Happy now babe, let’s go back to sleep” Makayla says putting the phone under the pillow and lays back down.

Eric looks at Makalya.

She rolls over and notices him staring at her. “What’s wrong babe?”

Eric smiles and shakes his head no. Makayla smiles back and moves her index finger indicating for him to come towards her. Eric climbs back into bed lying on top of Makayla.

She rubs his face and says, “Have I ever told you how incredibly handsome you are Eric Moore?”

“No you haven’t,” Eric says smirking.

“Well allow me to show how much I am a fan of your handsomeness,” Makayla says pulling Eric closer.

They kiss. Eric begins kissing down her neck as Makayla moans in enjoyment. She caresses his back as she arches hers.

“Make love to me Eric,” Makayla whispers.

Eric looks up at Makayla and says in a low voice, “I plan on it baby,” and pulls the pillow from under her head. Makayla’s phone hits the floor.

“Joy, so what’s the deal with Moore?” Joe says to Joy as she stands waiting for the elevator.

“Good morning to you too Joe,” Joy replies with a smirk as she presses the up button.

Joe responds sarcastically, “Yeah yeah, mornings aren’t meant to be good. It’s just another reminder of the bullshit waiting for you at the office.”

The elevator door opens and they both walk in. Pressing 16, Joy turns to Joe giggling.

“What’s so funny?” Joe says.

“You! You are funny Joe. You sure know how to start the day. And to answer your question no I haven’t heard from Eric. He hasn’t returned any of my calls.”

“Typical! He’s a real ass. A damn good reporter too…you didn’t hear me say that,” Joe says abruptly looking at his watch.

The elevator reaches the 16^th floor. On the wall is a huge channel 2 logo. They turn right and down the hallway to the glass doors. Joe opens the door and Joy walks in first. Katie sits at her desk reading Love and Self-Boundaries magazine. She is unaware that Joe and Joy are standing there watching her.

“Ahem!” Joe yells out looking stern.

“Oh, good morning Joe, good morning Joy, I’m sorry I was just taking a break…” Katie nervously says as she tosses the magazine in her desk.

“Relax dear…” Joy says and turns to Joe. “Joe, stop scaring this poor girl!”

Joe smirks, “She has no reason to be scared of me, come on!” as he walks towards his office.

Katie looks at Joy, “I apologize… I’m working on a story about a funding scandal at local high schools.”

Joy puts her hand up, “Katie, you don’t have to give me an oral report on what you’re working on. I just want to see the finish product. I trust you will deliver.”

As Joy begins to walk away, Katie stands up, “I really appreciate that Joy.” Joy turns around, smiles at Katie and walks away.

Eric’s phone is ringing. He left his phone on the couch in the living room.

Eric, cuddled under Makayla says, “Kayla, can you get that for me.”

Makayla begins to sit up when Eric pulls her back down.

“Nope I changed my mind,” Eric says and starts kissing her.

“Eric let me get that, it could be important. Then round two,” Makayla says giggling.

“Don’t you mean round three, four, five…”

Eric replies laughing as Makayla gets out of bed. She grabs his phone from the couch.

 As she walks back to the bedroom, Eric says, “Who is it?”

“Like I’m supposed to know! Here.” Makayla smiles and hands the phone to Eric.

Before Eric answers the phone, Makayla whispers, “I’m going to make some coffee,” and walks out the room.

Eric answers the phone. “Hello?”

“Hello Eric, this is Joy Saunders.”

Eric rolls his eyes and replies, “Hello Joy, so you finally caught up to me. What can I do for you?”

“Well I would like to meet with you and discuss an opportunity. Do you have time this afternoon?”

Eric hisses, “Let me check my schedule…oh yeah I don’t have one remember?” There was a brief silence on the phone.

“Well Eric that may not last long. Meet me at my office at 2 and we will discuss details.”

“What makes you think I don’t have plans Joy Saunders?” Eric replies sarcastically.

Joy’s tone changed from friendly to stern, “Eric, be here at 2 okay. See you then.” Before Eric could respond, Joy hangs up the phone. Eric looks at the phone and shakes his head. He tosses it on the bed and walks into the living room.

“Something smells good Kayla!” Eric says sitting on the couch.

Makayla peeks out from the kitchen, “I’m making brunch. We did have a workout; we need to keep our strength for later.”

As Makayla begins to laugh, Eric walks over and holds her waist.

“As tempting as that sounds, I have to head out later.”

Makayla turns around facing Eric, “Why? Who was that on the phone?”  

Eric smirks, “That Joy woman, you know the one I told you about.”

Makayla goes to check on the eggs cooking in the frying pan. Eric continues talking.

            “Can you believe this woman, calling me first off and telling me I need to meet her at her office at 2? She must be dense! There’s a reason why I told her and Joe to kiss my ass. Says she has some opportunity for me.”

Makayla is attempting to make an omelet but isn’t successful.

She responds, “Well maybe this is a chance to get back on TV Eric. See what she wants.”

Eric comes closer to Makayla and looks at the messy omelet saying, “Uh that doesn’t look appetizing!”

He laughs as Makayla tries to salvage the omelet. Eric appreciates her efforts.

“Kayla, I hear ya…alright I will go on one condition.”

 Makayla turns off the stove with the now scrambled eggs in the pan.

She turns to Eric smiling, “What kind of condition?”

“I want my round six, seven, eight…”

Before Eric could finish, Makayla takes the dishtowel and hits Eric on the arm.

They laugh and Makayla replies, “Alright, just don’t lose your temper when you see her okay.”

Eric smiles and says, “Don’t make me promise.”

Fulton Street

I sat on the bench, a bus hub waiting for the B25 bus. I had music playing in my ears, not thinking about anything when an older gentleman with a cane sat next to me. I sighed as he sat saying, "It's much cooler over here." I turned to him and smiled. He smiled back. Then he began talking about his recent trip to Virginia and how much he enjoyed the outdoors. I agreed with him adding, "I wish I was in nature now. Being here can become boring after awhile, especially when you were born here. I'm tired of this place" and waved my hand. He smiled and shrugged his shoulders saying, "Well..." At that moment I don't know what possessed me to say that but it was too late to take it back. As he continued to speak, a middle-aged woman approached us. She looked at me and said, "Excuse me" and began talking to the gentleman. I think they were neighbors since I heard them say something about sitting in front of their building and a neighbor they both knew. As the bus approached, he told the woman, "I was just sitting here talking to this young lady...what's your name?" I said my name and we shook hands. The lady reached out her hand and said, "Dara, nice to meet you." I said, "Likewise." She never said her name. We said our goodbyes as I got on the bus. Riding downtown, I reflected on the conversation admiring the man's age and his love for nature. I hope when I reach his age I'm somewhere that's natural and I'm happy. While on the bus, I observed Fulton Street, the closed businesses and some people moving about. I remembered the stories my mom and dad told me of how Fulton Street was "back in the day." I can only imagine how it was during the late 60s and 70s. I have a sense of pride visiting Fulton Street since I share the street's name, and my parents grew up there.

I remember how I spent a lot of time during my junior high school days walking up and down Fulton Street, between Bedford and New York Avenues, stopping to look at what the vendors were selling. My friends and I would go into the stores and purchase the Indian made skirts (which I still buy to this day), and go next door to the West Indian shop and buy oils or incense. Sometimes we would go to the Chinese restaurant and have lunch. This was known to be the best takeout; I remember how good their sesame seed chicken and pork fried rice was! That restaurant still exists. Then there's Restoration Plaza and the ice skating rink where we dreamed of going ice skating. We never did. The rink was usually closed. As the bus approached downtown, I was in awe of how much this area changed over the years. I still remember the days of Albee Square Mall, shopping at Rainbow clothing store (still do but at a different location), eating at Wendy's, and visiting the religious store to buy crystals. They had nice pieces of amethyst and clear quartz. There's a new residential complex in its place with various new stores to be opened later this year. I still miss the store Woolworth. I would always buy nail polish for my late grandmother. She loved shopping there too.

Sometimes I feel life has passed by so fast. Fulton Street isn't the same as before. Many businesses are  gone, few to no vendors are selling anything (I really miss buying shell earrings), and it's too quiet. Fulton Street (before reaching downtown) used to be noisy with people bustling around shopping, eating, talking, etc. Fewer people are outside now. Fulton Street used to pride itself on Black culture too. It's not much of that anymore. I miss the vendors selling African art, pictures of sayings about Black pride, and people passing out free newspapers about local meetings and cultural events. I miss that most. This was the one place where I felt proud to be who I am; I felt connected to my own. I don't like seeing the now abandoned houses, empty lots, people sitting outside looking sad, silence. As my dad once told me, "Fulton Street hasn't been the same for a long time. It may never be the same again." Although I'm saddened by this possible fact, I still like it. After all I share its name.

Letting go under sun's reflection

Among a small crowd there’s silence

Water reflects sun’s light in a distance

Pulling out a notebook, find a clean page

My pen takes center stage

“Dearest love” I begin to write

Hoping this letter is worded right

Each word is filled with devotion

Pouring out every bit of emotion

The man I will forever love

He’ll never know except God above

Knowing what is being said

Will never ever be read

No post or email can deliver

This one page filled answer

Well wishes for a happy life

Nothing but smiles, no strife

Efforts made are of no regret

Grateful our paths met

Lingering sadness cannot continue

A decision that's long overdue

Folding up the heartfelt letter

Treating it like some kind of treasure

Walk down the path’s end

Still thinking about my friend

Water catches the tiny note

Watching it stay afloat

Bigger waves quickly grew

Note no longer in my view

Light bounces over moving water

Couldn’t compose myself any longer

Tears fall, goodbye song plays

Reminiscing about the yesterdays

Still hope for a chance at romance

Letting go of this current circumstance

No place of passing clouds

Throughout this journey of love

It moves slowly like clouds above

Lots of give and no take

Something precious is at stake

Entangled into web of seduction

Hidden answers leave one to question

This hold that you possess

Feelings not willing to express

Not worthy to be in the same presence

Yet unable to break free from your essence

Uncertain, confusing fable

With no morals brought to the table

Deep emotions rise to the surface

Snatched away like pearls from a necklace

Inexcusable madness

Causes such sadness

Desire to be seen from the crowd

Shouting love out loud

Walks away, ears deaf, eyes shut

Little bit of hope now cut

There are no clouds in the sky above

Leaving heart with unwanted love

Tears fall from the face

That still stands out of place

Learning about Me

Wednesday, 7/4/12: "Happy 4th, happy to be friends"

I don't usually celebrate the 4th of July. I'm either home watching TV or reading a book. I got a text message from a friend, someone I haven't seen in a year, asking to hangout. I said okay. After all, it beats being home all day. The sun was out, it was hot but I didn't mind. When I saw my friend Evelyn, we hugged saying how long it's been since seeing each other. Then the smiles turned to looks of disappointment; we both realized we had a lot to talk about. As we stood on line to see a movie, I knew this day was going to be more than having a few laughs and eating popcorn (which we didn't have). By the way, Madea's Witness Protection is a funny movie.

We headed to a diner, then to the waterfront where we talked. There were many questions, some answers all balling down to one simple response, "I'm sorry." Evelyn reminded me that in any friendship or relationship there will be ups and downs. As she puts it, "It's part of life, no one's perfect." I learned something about myself that day. Many who know me knows that I am loving, kind hearted, and love being there for people, but don't "reach out" to those who are reaching out to me. At times, through my own admission, I isolate myself from people when I feel alone or going through something. I've been told by others, and now Evelyn that even though it's understandable it's unacceptable to those who want to be there for me. I admit that there was a time when I was very open and shared myself with others. Sadly, that stopped after getting hurt and being misunderstood, criticized, and put down. After that I shut down and went within myself. My attitude was, "If I'm going to be alone so be it." I know that's not the way to be, because it's not fair to those who give a damn about me, and go out of their way to show it. I'm happy Evelyn and I made amends, we're back to being friends stronger now than before. We both agree that it's good things happened the way they did, because we wouldn't be where we're at now. We didn't stay for the fireworks, but enjoyed being by the waterfront. For the first time, I reflected with someone. I reflected with my friend. I thank her for being here for me.



Friday, 7/6/12: "I'm proud of you"

My brother and I always have good conversations about life, spirituality, goals, and much more. We've grown closer something I've wished for years. As we did our usual catch up, I discussed how I'm approaching certain things. He gave his input as always and said, "I'm proud of you Dara." When I asked why, he said he's happy I'm "finally" stepping out of my comfort zone. As I told him, I figured since there are many ways in going about pursuing what I want to do, I might as well just go with the flow. I don't want to limit myself so I decided to pursue and apply for everything (which I already started doing). One way or another I will find my way, but in the meantime I need to enjoy myself. I'm making it a priority to go out and do things that make me happy. The best part of this is I'm not going by it alone. I'm open to hanging out with people and having new adventures. It's new territory for me, but by being open to new friendships I'll be open to dating as well.

"Dara does belly dancing?"

Yes you read it right, I did belly dancing yesterday. I still can't believe it! There was a free belly dancing class at Brooklyn Bridge Park yesterday evening. It was free and open to the public. Secretly, I always wanted to learn how to belly dance but was too shy to try it. As I giggled by the idea of me belly dancing, I didn't hesitate to jump into the crowd. Next minute I know my hips were circulating and swaying back and fourth. I felt silly at first, but after a while I felt sexy. Ironically, my hip didn't hurt; I did have surgery six months ago! The instructor was nice and made me feel comfortable. My friend videotaped me shimmering around. Watching it I laughed, because this is one of the boldest things I've ever done. I didn't realize I have good rhythm! Now I usually would post video on this blog, on Facebook or my YouTube channel, but I'm shy about people watching me wiggle my hips around. Maybe I'll share with close friends. I think the pictures do the trick. The best part of this experience was watching the sunset, feeling the cool breeze as I followed the hip wiggling routine. The music was great too! I felt proud of myself for jumping into something without thinking about it. Maybe that's what God is trying to show me. When you want to do something, just jump in and do it. Some things don't require much planning. Sometimes you have to go into things blindly to see your abilities. In doing so, you step out of your comfort zone. I'm happy to be doing that.

Prepare for him

Dating. That's a word I've been pondering on lately. Sounds so simple, the process seems simple yet I find it difficult. I've opened up about being single on this blog, and some of my poetry reflects on my desire to being loved. This is no secret. However, I find it hard to express my reasons for not allowing myself to date. I want to date. I want to meet a nice guy to share my thoughts with, be my companion. More importantly, I want to fall in love. When I was in my 20s, dating seemed easy. I dated guys I met online until I got into two serious relationships. I was carefree then, threw caution to the wind, and was satisfied with any man showing some interest in me even if it was done in deceit. At that time, being noticed by the opposite sex was great despite the warning signals. When I became a girlfriend, I took that title seriously. I was loyal, loved wholeheartedly, and was dedicated to the relationship. I felt proud. Once I got hurt (physically, emotionally, and sexually), my carefree, proud, loving self became numb. I lost faith in men, lost faith in being in a relationship, and I stopped dating all together. Going on year two of being completely single, my desire to be loved has returned, just differently. I am no longer concerned about being noticed. I'm still loving just not as carefree, and have trust issues. Yet, I want to give love a chance. The problem? Me.

Fear has dominated my heart and I am afraid to go out there and try meeting someone. I believe there are good men out there. I know there's someone for everyone. I'd like to think there's someone for me. Love is universal, and I have love for people I care about, including men in my life. I still have love for one of my exes. We're still friends, have been for years. There's one man I love very much. I don't think he knows just how much I love him. Sadly, he doesn't love me back. We're friends that will probably never date. Which leads me to now, a 31 year old single woman who is allowing fear to stop her from meeting the man of her "dreams" (I use the word dreams loosely). Usually I have an inspirational hook to my blog posts, whether the topic is personal or not. I don't have any to offer. In fact, I could use some inspiration on this topic. I'm open to suggestions. What I am NOT open to are the "Girl you need to lose weight, show off skin, flirt with every man you see, hookup, blah blah blah" kind of comments. I will save those people the trouble by saying I am comfortable with my weight, I don't have to expose all my goodies to define my womanhood, I don't want to flirt with every man, and I don't do hookups. I am a lady. A friend recently suggested that I should "prepare for him," meaning spiritually prepare for the man who's right for me. I continue to do that through prayer. I also pray that fear will leave my heart so I can be ready for him.

Who knows...maybe the man of my "dreams" reads this blog. If so, I welcome him to leave a comment (smile).

Request

Last Friday, I made a request to my friends on Facebook. I asked for prayer. This is something I don't ask for unless it's for a loved one or for something in general. I usually don't ask for prayer for myself. I finally did on Friday night. Why did I make such a request? For the first time, in a long time, I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an "X." There are four different directions to go but unsure which path I should take. As I mentioned in my blog post, "A hmm moment" each direction is a good one. I think what's making me feel unsure is how I can pursue these things with limited resources. I am my worst critic and can be very hard on myself. This doesn't help when that inner voice keeps saying, "You could be doing better," or "Can I really do this? Can I really become a...?" Self-doubt is never good, but somehow it creeps up during the deciding process.

I have a burning desire to not only pursue the things I want, but to make a difference in the world. That means more to me than anything. So far I'm confident in the things I've been doing. I am proud to be able to stand before anyone associated in the news business and say "I'm a writer. I cover news stories. I write for Examiner.com." Or when I discuss my interest in social work to professional social workers and say, "I'm a member of the National Association of Social Workers and plan to pursue a MSW by 2013." I'm not a professional in these fields (yet), but feel confident I will be in the near future. This attitude is new for me. The only time I'm this confident is when I'm discussing ESL teaching or challenged by other ESL teachers. I never back down from a challenge, and can debate with the best of them. I'm no expert but with 7 years in the ESL teaching profession I know a thing or two.

I asked for prayer, because I want to feel spiritually confident in what I'm pursuing. I don't want disappointment to stop me from reaching my goals. I've been job searching a lot and it's a long and difficult process. Patience is definitely tested, and it can be frustrating waiting by the phone or email inbox hoping for a response. I always remind myself that I am not the only one applying to these jobs, so I understand it's going to take a while. My hope is it won't take too long. I've been applying for positions in teaching (of course), entry-level case work (to gain some experience in social work), writing (freelance mostly and news based positions), and administrative/clerical positions. I'm open to different employment opportunities, but focus on what I know I can do. I don't want to waste any one's time.

I've been told that one must take a leap of faith and to follow the heart. This may be one of those times. Wish me luck.