Reflecting on 9/11: Twelve Years Later

This is always a somber day for me. It's a somber day for New Yorkers, a somber day for our nation. 9/11 took the lives of so many here in New York City. Many have become ill after the terrorist attacks. Many cannot forget the trauma they endured while trying to get away from the chaos. My mom was one of many who ran from the billowing smoke and ash. Even after twelve years, I could still feel the somber mood in a city that never sleeps. I have not been to the memorial site in years. When I visited the area months after 9/11, I remember the strong smell from the smoke that lingered in the air. I remember the shell of what was once a tall building now reduced to rubble. In 2007, I re-visited the area where there were photographs of first responders helping people out of the towers, and personal items found in the rubble.

It still makes me sad to this day.

I think about the people who didn’t make it out alive. The horror they must of felt knowing they were trapped. I think about the people who were in the surrounding area, who felt helpless watching people scream for help or jump out of the burning buildings. I still remember the thick, black smoke hovering over Brooklyn. I remember calling my mom and there was silence on the other end. I stayed by the phone until she called. We were only able to say, “I love you,” before the phone went dead. My heart dropped. I was scared that would’ve been the last time I heard from her.   

I also remember the anger I felt during that time. “How could anyone be so cruel and so evil to commit such a catastrophe?” I said to myself. To this day, I still ask this question. I don’t understand how anyone could do such a thing. I always knew evil existed but 9/11 proved it true. I’m still upset by what happened. My mom survived that day. I’m blessed she is still here.  I know how lucky I am, because there are many who lost loved ones. My heart goes out to them. I feel for those who were diagnosed with illnesses. They are reminded of this horrible tragedy that has plagued their bodies.

Twelve years today, twelve years tomorrow, it won’t take away the impact it has left on us. Our country is still at war. Terrorism still exist, and evil is among us. I can only hope we maintain our strength and resilience in coping with this tragedy. I also hope we learn and remember, because in one way or another, 9/11 affects us all.

Hush! The Quiet Epidemic Called Suicide

USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.

This is a different kind of post. I will share a topic that is personal and not easy to discuss. However, in honor of World Suicide Prevention Day (9-10-13), I am going to share a story of a young woman who tried to commit suicide. I hope this story will not only bring awareness, but be inspiring as well.

“Just go on and do it. No one will care anyway,” an inner voice says as she lies in bed. No one is home. The TV is off. So is the radio. She lays there staring up at the ceiling. She could still hear the laughter from inner-city youth pointing at her calling her everything but her name. “My name is…,” she would tell them. The response, “Shut up you fat bitch!” She remembers the chain being snatched from her neck from a boy. He looked like he could be 17. As she gets on the bus, she sees him running alongside the bus, swinging the chain in the air, laughing at her. He wanted the gold chain her mother gave her. She wishes he took the gold chain instead of the one her grandmother gave her before she died. The next day, she told the teachers and security staff at the junior high school she despised. Since the incident happened not far from there, she figured something could be done. “These things happen,” a teacher told her nonchalantly. She didn't know that the kids in her class already knew about the incident. They laughed and called her “stupid” for not running after him. She hated that boy who stole her chain. She hated those kids and that teacher who said, “These things happen.”  A year later, she and her friends were held up at gunpoint. A bunch of puny seventh graders pointed a gun at her while threatening to kill her and her friends. A police report was filed. Nothing ever happened. She saw those same kids in the school she despised.

She remembered the first time she told a boy she loved him. He chuckled telling her, “I don’t date fat girls.” The next time she told a boy how she felt, he said he loved another girl. That girl didn’t love him, but that didn’t matter.  At 16, she felt she knew what love is, by 20, she knew what it felt like, and by 25, she understood what a relationship is. At 27, she experienced real heartbreak. “You know how much I love you. You know I didn’t do what you said I did,” he said to her after destroying her innocence. “No means no,” she said wiping away tears. His arrogance made him blind to the reality. He thought money would fix that reality and make it go away. The scars remain unseen. They will never go away.

The bottle of pills is on the nightstand. She begins to cry as she opens the bottle shaking out a handful of pills. She takes a gulp of water and begins to swallow. “Oh Lord, please forgive me. I just want the pain to go away,” she says. She begins to feel sleepy and closes her eyes. She felt someone shake her shoulder saying her name. When she opened her eyes, it was her mother.  As the mother asks about the woman’s day, she is confused. “How am I awake after taking those pills?” the woman says to herself. Later that night, the woman prays asking God for forgiveness. She vows to never think or attempt to take her life again. She knows how precious life is and believes there is a tomorrow. She wants to experience that tomorrow.

I have been ever since.

Suicide prevention is critical in our society. Thinking about suicide is just as serious as attempting it. Awareness and communication is important to prevent this epidemic from reoccurring.

Spread love instead of stigma.

Together we can help people cope with feelings of suicide through empathy, understanding, and taking the time to listen.

For more information about suicide prevention or how to raise awareness, please visit my school's (University of Southern California) campaign here: http://msw.usc.edu/mswusc-blog/suicide-prevention-and-awareness-blog-day-kick-off/

A Walk to the Seaport: How it will be missed

I went for a walk with my mom. I enjoy spending time with her, because we get to share ideas and have fun. We always have fun even in doing the simplest of things like having coffee (or chai latte) at Starbucks. I can talk to my mom about anything, which is great since she is the only person I truly trust. I appreciate her more than she knows. We took a walk to the South Street Seaport. I’m glad we did since we learned that it would close this Monday. Plans for redevelopment will be underway and it won’t be open until 2015. A nice man spoke to us as we passed by his jewelry and wallet table. He is from Turkey and his personality made me smile. He said it’s hard to meet nice people in New York City. “Everybody so rude, hard to be nice,” he said. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve lived here all my life and it’s not as nice as it appears to be. I don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I’m used to manners and pleasantry. Most people I meet think I’m from the south, because of my mannerisms. My family is from the south so it makes sense.

We visited the candy store, which was practically empty. The woman there was super nice. I could feel her energy the moment we entered the store. She is an artist and played her album for us. Her voice is beautiful. The music reminded me of my favorite jazz group, The Manhattan Transfer. One song really hit home, because it talked about believing and finding happiness. She sang along and my tears flowed. That hasn’t happened to me before so I was surprised. I explained to her how difficult times have been for me lately, and seeing my favorite place closing makes me sad. She said that what we say in the universe would come to fruition. If one believes and speaks what they want, it will come true. I told her I needed to hear that and thanked her. We got some candy, which she offered to us free. Although we offered to pay for it, she insisted we keep it. I gave her my card. I look forward to us keeping in touch.  

Seeing so many stores still closed since Hurricane Sandy is disheartening. However, knowing the Seaport will close completely makes me feel worse. This is one of my favorite places to visit, especially when I need to reflect. Before going to the waterfront in Brooklyn, the South Street Seaport was my favorite destination. Although it will reopen in 2015, it won’t be the same. I love the vendors and small shops. I’m not into high-end retail stores. I prefer simplicity. I’m happy mom and I had a chance to sit by the waterfront, took pictures, and admired the landscape. Seaport as we know it will be missed, especially by me.

Here’s my video report about the Seaport closing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ayEPYMADrw&feature=youtu.be

Here’s my article about its closing: http://www.examiner.com/article/seaport-closes-leaving-business-owners-the-dust

Preparing Me for 2014

It’s only September and I’m preparing for 2014. I figure I start early since I anticipate many changes in my life. My life has been interesting for some time, but I believe it’s going to become more interesting as time passes. I’m going to make sure of it. Being accepted into graduate school made me realize my potential in pursuing a career I want, social work. I’m confident I will do well and be effective throughout the process. However, I am prepared to leave room for my creativity and other interests. I’m willing to make sacrifices to accomplish this goal. It's not that I haven’t sacrificed already, but this time I will be more proactive with it. I don’t want anything to interfere in accomplishing this ultimate goal; I will be a social worker. Another reason I am pushing hard for this is that I would be the first in my family to obtain a Master’s degree. I would like to have that honor and make my family proud. My mom keeps telling me I am going to pursue a doctorate after the Master’s degree. I am still contemplating on that. “Dr. Dara K. Fulton” does have a nice ring to it!

So what is the preparation process? I already started organizing my workspace suitable to do my work. I’ve spent the year reading everything social work related, as well as networked with people in the field. I’ve taken a variety of training, volunteered, and still a member of the National Association of Social Workers (NASW). Yet, social work and graduate school aren’t the only things that will make 2014 a great year. I also set aside several fun projects to keep my ESL teaching skills up to par, and creativity fresh.  Although fun for me, I am aware all of these things I will be doing alone.

Socializing is something I hope to do more of in 2014. I have to approach it differently than I did this year. I hope to meet new, like-minded people who share similar interests as me. That has been lacking and would explain why I am alone most of the time. I have some ideas on how to approach this new territory. I am open to newness. I hope to travel as well.  Lastly, I would like to explore the dating scene. I blush just mentioning it! Sadly, this is scary territory for me since it’s been three years being in a relationship. I think this would be the most challenging thing to encounter since I don’t go out much, not savvy in flirting, and different from the norm. Majority of the women I know are involved or family bound. I don’t have many single friends. I will admit (this is embarrassing but whatever) I don’t like asking for advice when it comes to dating. The responses are usually too judgmental, sexual, or comments ranging from “Why are you still single?” to “There’s someone out there for your type.” My type? I’m still lost on that one. Yeah, this is going to be my biggest challenge yet!

Meanwhile in comfort zone, I continue to write and express myself. Self-expression is the one thing I have total control over. Recently I received an email from a reader of this blog who expressed a liking to reading my words here. She finds it to be inspirational. It’s going to be three years this December and to know I inspired someone by sharing my life on here means the world to me. It’s what keeps this blog going, and the inspiration behind writing a book. I thank her for reading.

Here’s to self- expression and to 2014.

September First

It’s September 1 on a Sunday evening. I’ve been home bound for two days unable to move around or stand up straight. It’s as if the body decided to go on strike at my expense. It’s one of the most agonizing experiences for me, since I don’t like being still for too long. Living with constant pain is hard. It’s as simple as that. Stubbornly, I still try to keep my mind occupied. I’ve been reading everything from articles on mental health, to stories about finding love. I went back to reading Fifty Shades of Grey with the goal to finish it by month’s end. I read the news, trends in publishing, writing, you name it I read it. When I’m not reading, I’m watching cooking shows. For someone who doesn’t cook, I’m surprised I care to watch these shows. The food looks delicious and who knows, I may try a recipe or two. My newest project besides writing my book is re-organizing my files. I have a lot of great material about social work. I’m excited to begin graduate school in January and want to be prepared. I haven’t talked much except to family, and go on social media to share an article I read.

As for creativity, I still create things using captions. I have a few ideas to explore when it comes to photography. I recently visited 5 Pointz, a warehouse filled with colorful graffiti art. I love art, especially graffiti so this was a joy to experience. Trying to capture every drawing was a challenge. My eyes made me dizzy from looking at all the details of words, pictures, sayings and more. I saw several people taking pictures. How can anyone go there and not want to capture such beauty? This is my opinion of course. This was my first time visiting 5 Pointz, which is in Long Island City, Queens. It’s different, which I like, and I was easily turned around trying to find the “nearby” waterfront. I ended up walking this long walkway along a highway. It felt surreal being one with traffic. While reaching the end of the walkway, my hip/leg began to cramp and I knew I had to turn back. I found a seating area with a water fountain. It was nice and I sat there for a while. I reflected and listened to music. I wrote some but let my thoughts roam instead.

I return to the doctor this month for a follow up. I had a hip injection and several tests. Tests results were good, hip injection didn’t help much.  Now, I’m back to square one. My hope is I will get clearer answers to solving this problem. I don’t want to live with pain for much longer.

Here is a poem I wrote about how I feel (8-30-13):

Anger

Sadness

Painful

Madness

Move today

Still tomorrow

Frustrated

Heart of sorrow

What ifs

Whys

Contemplating

Sighs

No answers

Many questions

Continuous

Doctor sessions

Hopelessness

Fears

Quiet

Tears