Everything Will Be Okay

I’ve been telling myself that everything will be okay for the past few days. I haven’t been feeling my best, and had to make some tough decisions. As a believer, I learned that sometimes God would put one in a difficult situation just to see how he or she deals with it. It’s as with every storm, it eventually passes. I think mine is starting to pass. I always write, “The sun is always near” for a reason. I do believe the sun is always around. It’s October, it’s the fall season, and the temperatures have been lovely. The sun is out and I smile.

New chapter

I decided not to attend graduate school. This was a difficult decision. I still want a Master’s degree, I still love social work, and I still want to help people. However, financially I cannot afford it. Health wise, I am not sure what the near future will look like for me. I am not ready to tackle such a huge responsibility. I love to learn, and will continue to do so on my own time. Recently, I discovered that with my 3 degrees, along with certifications, I could do what I want. Helping people is universal so I have no doubt I will be doing this for the rest of my life.  Career wise, I have many options I didn’t know I had. I will teach again. I am confident in knowing this, because of something I started years ago. Sometimes going back to old to do lists makes a difference. I have the tools to make my dream a reality. As for social work, I know I cannot claim the title “social worker,” without a degree in it. However, I have a degree in human services, another in liberal arts, and English. I’m going to be fine. Lastly, I am a volunteer with several organizations. I love to volunteer, and will continue to do more for the community.

The power of prayer is real.

I will see my hip doctor at the end of this month. I already know what to expect. I am ready for whatever, because I have so much to look forward to and accomplish. I don’t want anything to slow me down. Employment search is an on-going process. I know I am not alone in this prospect. I am confident I will be working again, especially when I’m physically better. Writing is also an on-going process. I don’t think I’ll ever stop writing. When I am not writing on here, I’m working on my book. I write in my journal as well. Maybe I’ll add some things from there in the book, never know!

Love

I am grateful to the people in my life that makes my days even brighter. I am grateful to the readers of this blog, because without you there would be no Dara’s Creative Corner. I promise to continue to aspire, inspire, and make a difference in this world one day at a time. There are no limits to what you want to do. Life is truly, what you make of it. I see that now and look forward to what’s to come!

Pebble

Someday wind will carry pebble away

Like sand from a dune on a windy day

Traveling to new and exciting places

Be greeted by colorful surfaces

Change of scenery welcomes small stone

No longer afraid of being alone

Hope and Motivation

“You need to be the voice for so many of us who are in need. This is your calling it is embedded in you. Follow your dream.”--Dad

My dad visited mom and I yesterday. I was quiet since I wasn’t feeling my best. I am always happy to see my dad, but felt bad I didn’t offer much conversation.  As mom and dad talked, I sat on the couch listening when the topic of motivation came up. I asked dad how one stays motivated when things aren’t going right. He simply said, “You take it one day at a time. You don’t focus on what’s bothering you, but stay occupied.” I brought up how I’ve been feeling regarding a possible second hip surgery, being out of work, graduate school, boredom, and me. I admit it is a lot to say in one breath, and even harder to analyze it all. For a moment, dad nodded his head and didn’t say anything. Mom said that I worry too much and need to let things take its course. Dad took a deep breath and said, “Well…” I knew he was going to saying something that will either make me feel confident or leave me wondering for answers.

“You need to go for your dream. I see it—you are meant to help people and be their voice. You need to be the voice for so many of us who are in need. You need to be their representative and be the change that is so desperately needed. It is embedded in you. Follow your dream. Don’t let this setback stop you from moving forward.”

I smiled. He went on to say that, he commends me for going for a second opinion about my hip and taking steps to getting better. However, he wonders if surgery is necessary. He doesn’t want me to have another one. 

I went to Brooklyn Hospital on Tuesday to see the orthopedic doctor for a second opinion. I had an X-ray done and an evaluation on my condition. The X-ray showed more than I anticipated. Sadly, it’s not just a labral tear in the hip (which was the cause of having surgery), but my bone is problematic. I have what is called Degenerative Arthritis of the Hip. It has gotten worse since my first MRI and there is no cure for it. The doctor told me that he doesn’t specialize in the surgery I had, hip arthroscopy, but did see that I had arthritis. The bone is not in place and as a result causes problems in walking, sitting, and standing. Since this is more pronounced than before the surgery, it is likely it will worsen over time. The concern is I may need hip replacement if the bone becomes worse, breaks, or more tearing occurs. Surgery will help, but it won’t completely stop the arthritis or the pain. I like the way he explained everything to me. I’m glad I read up on my condition. I was able to understand the medical terminology the doctor said. I made an appointment with my main doctor to discuss my options, but I have a feeling he is going to push for surgery since the hip injection I had in August didn’t work and now my bone is causing problems.

What a mess!

“I just want peace, that’s all.”--Me

I have been meditating a lot, reading, and trying not to think about anything. I know what I want to do in life. I know my passion. I know what I’ll be up against, both career-wise and health-wise. I am stubborn and don’t give up easily.

I have to do what I need to do. Stay tuned.

Walking through the Storm

Ahh! Okay now that I let that out, I can begin this blog post. I don’t know where to begin. I can say things have been difficult.  I can say I feel frustrated, upset, angry, sad, etc. etc. I can even say I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve cried more than needed, and my patience is being tested.

Yet, I am still here.

As a believer, I know life’s trials and tribulations are lessons as well as tests. I know God doesn’t allow things to happen without reason. He teaches us things that may not make sense at first, but eventually it all comes together. When I can wake up every morning, I feel it is a blessing. I believe it’s another chance to start over or try something new. I am grateful for that. 

 

Going to the waterfront makes me feel alive. I love the breeze felt on my face from the water’s waves. I like smelling the salty, seaweed smell from the river. Last Friday, I spent half the day by a west side waterfront in Manhattan daydreaming, listening to music, placing my thoughts in the water. I stood and sat by watching people join me. Some were doing exercise, walking their dog, or sunbathing on the grassy patch. I wanted to be as close to the water as possible. I felt stuck. I didn’t want to leave. My emotions varied.

The day before, I went to the Brooklyn waterfront where the moment I stood at my favorite spot I cried. The tears flowed like raindrops sliding down the window glass. I cried because I admitted to myself how much I changed since losing my job. I had to admit that since I stopped teaching, I felt I lost everything. I volunteered, took many online training classes, participated in events, but it didn’t fill the void I have in my heart. It still hurts that I am not teaching. It hurts that every teaching job interview I’ve been on is a bust. Although, I am aware of the budget cuts from ESL/adult literacy programs in NYC, I still wish I was a part of it some form or fashion. 

At the waterfront in Manhattan, I didn’t cry but reflected on everything I’ve been feeling. I prayed and thought about ways to move forward. I wrote too. I felt as if God was telling me that I still could do what I want, just differently. He also let me know that I still matter and I still can. My hip problem plagues me a lot. I’m in constant pain and believe that will be the case for a while. I’ve been back and forth with the doctors and no solution. The thought of a second surgery still lingers, and it’s still a possibility. I know that. I’m trying to avoid it. After leaving the waterfront, I visited the East Village where I sat in Washington Square Park, taking pictures of the flowers. I like this park, because it’s very artsy. I like how the people dress there too. It is home to New York University (NYU). Anywhere there’s a college, I feel happy. I then visited their bookstore where I saw a couple of books I want to read. They had teddy bears with the NYU school logo sitting on each bookcase. I felt like they were looking at me while browsing through books. Of course, you know which section I went to first, education, and psychology/social work. I really like the teddy bears.

I took a slow stroll to Astor Place where I saw Cooper Union School and some street art, which I love. I saw a homeless man who looked very sad. He wasn’t asking for money from anyone, but did have his hand out. He kept his head down most of the time. His body language showed that he was tired and needed rest. I went over to him putting money in his cup, which only had a dollar coin and two quarters. When I said, “Here you go,” he said thank you. I felt humbled and good knowing he could at least get a meal or something. I know that could easily be me. I rather give what little I have to someone less fortunate, than to be selfish. We are in hard times now, and since being out of work, I know that all too well.

I went to a panel discussion last night about volunteering during a disaster. I enjoyed it very much, because the panelists shared their personal experiences volunteering in disaster relief. I have an interest in mental health and disaster mental health as well. I met someone who works in disaster mental health, which is great. I have a feeling we’re going to have lots to talk about in the near future. I ran into someone I knew who was there. She is very nice and we have more in common than I thought. We talked for a long time after the event was over. It’s been a while having good conversation in a park at night. Many of the things she said, I could relate to on so many levels. I haven’t known her for long, but it felt like I did. It was nice to vent to someone who doesn’t know much about me. It’s no pressure or holier-than-thou attitudes. Instead, it’s mutual understanding and empathy. Empathy is so important when dealing with problems. It’s nice to receive that occasionally. One thing I did learn last night was the importance of asking for help and support.  My self-pride is going to get me in trouble! I don’t like asking for assistance, but I know I could use some support. Besides, my eyes are tired from crying.

I will walk through the storm. I know God is with me and I have to believe things will get better. I won’t give up on my dream or myself. I just can’t do that.

Hitting the Delete Button on Social Media, Maybe

 

“Wait! Perhaps you want to give it another chance?” I said to myself recently. I like what social media has to offer. However, I’m not too keen on some aspects. I joined Facebook on 2007 and Twitter around the same time. I mainly joined for the social aspect of it, to connect with friends and meet new ones. It took a while to build some presence on both places. Luckily, I connected with people I haven’t spoken to in years on Facebook. Twitter I didn’t use that much. Over time, my friend list grew on Facebook and I shamefully admit I felt special. When I decided to create the Creative Corner blog, I felt both Facebook and Twitter would help me promote it, along with my other writings. It did to a certain extent. I am grateful for that. After my hip surgery, I became more involved on Twitter participating in social work chat forums and debates. I met some cool people in the process. Overall, the experience being on social media has been positive with a few ups and downs.

So, why am I contemplating on leaving it alone?

As a writer (or for any artist), feedback is key to knowing if you’re heading in the right direction in your craft. Although I write for me, I wish I received more feedback on my writing. I post on Facebook and most of the time I get a “Like” or nothing at all. People have told me they read my words, but don’t comment. Comments help, whether they’re good or bad, because to a writer it allows one to improve or push the envelope a bit. I have one friend on Twitter who has been consistent in reading and commenting on everything I write. Whether it’s this blog or news stories, he offers feedback and support. I appreciate that so much. I know people are reading my work, I don’t doubt that. I just wish I received more feedback.

The other reason I thought about letting go of social media is the lack of connecting with people. I feel it’s taking away from the humanistic side of life. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind saying hello over a computer screen, but whatever happened to meeting in person to say hello? I notice the only time a person can see how one is doing is through a “Like” button or a Twitter message. Call me old-fashioned, but a personal letter, email, text, or phone call means more to me than just clicking a “Like” button on someone’s status.  It’s even hard to get people online to meet offline. I’ve tried. There have been times, I attempted to make plans or offer suggestions of meet-ups. It didn’t go too well. I think communicating through the computer is easier for some people. Maybe it’s insecurity or a great way to hide self from others. I’m not sure. Either way, it would be nice to meet in person, talk, and enjoy the environment than overworking the fingers on Smartphones.

Socially, life has become very boring for me. I need to get out more and be around people who are willing to go out, willing to laugh, and willing to enjoy life. I haven’t found that on social media and don’t think I will.  For now, it’s on to plan B.

I haven’t hit the delete button yet.