I wasn’t going to write tonight. I haven’t been up to
expressing how I feel, especially as of late. With the exception of writing in
my journal, I feel lost for words. I don’t want to sound melancholy, even
though that’s how I feel. I guess the
only way to write is to write. I will let my words do the talking.
Hip surgery again :(
I went back to my hip doctor on Monday for a follow up. We
had a nice conversation. He examined me as usual and like me, concerned by the
amount of pain I still have. I’ve been exercising, did the injections, always
taking painkillers, and of course had surgery. He sent me to get X-rays despite
showing him pictures of the X-rays I got on October 1. After the X-rays, my
doctor said in a low voice, “We’re going to go forward with surgery and hope it
will relieve the pain. It’s either that or hip replacement. You’re too young
for that.” I agree and honestly don’t want hip replacement. The thought scares
me. I simply said okay and “let’s get this over with so I can live again.”
I’m scheduled for December 12.
Save a life
I took a CPR class last Friday with the American Red Cross.
It was a lot of fun and challenging for both my hip and performing CPR. I’m
lucky I had a nice partner who’s been volunteering with the Red Cross for
years. The instructors were great. I especially liked practicing CPR on the mannequin,
and using the Automated External Defibrillator (AED). I had to stand doing it,
since kneeling was harder than I thought. I also learned how to help someone
who is choking by applying abdominal thrusts and back blows. I am now certified
in CPR. I will be receiving my
certification in the mail shortly. I’m very proud of this, because I’ve always
wanted to learn CPR. Maybe I’ll save a life someday.
Reflecting by the
seashore
I went to Coney Island on Saturday to reflect. I also went
to observe how it is since this is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Sandy.
It was very breezy, but happy the sun was out. There weren’t many people out.
The beach was practically empty. I was alone. I’m glad, because it gave me a
chance to pray aloud and be close to the shoreline. The waves were crashing
hard against the rocks, and suds from the water kept hitting my glasses. I didn’t
care. I released all my frustrations into the water. I prayed for self, family,
friends, and the world. At moments, I felt angry because I don’t like the way
things are going in my life. Then I felt sad for not having a better support
group of people I could express myself to, and not being able to trust the
process. I’m sad that I find myself standing in the same place, feeling the
same way, alone. I remembered how I prayed for love at this shoreline a year
ago (before the hurricane), and the year before that. Yet, I’m still standing
alone. I feel disappointed by so much that it’s sometimes hard to write it
down. Maybe I don’t want to be reminded of it. Now, there’s a second surgery
that is needed for me to “get well,” when in fact I will never be fully healed.
Am I ready for this process again? I pray for healing. I pray for healing of my
hip, my heart, my mind, and my spirit.
As I prayed this aloud, the waves became more forceful. The
wind was blowing so hard that I began to cry. I saw white rose petals blowing
near me. When I looked over, I saw long stemmed white roses bunched together
near the rocks. “A memorial perhaps,” I thought to myself. They were beautiful.
When I die, I hope someone will place roses (or sunflowers) by the shoreline in
my memory. I stood watching the petals float around in mid-air and in the
water. Out of respect, I didn’t touch them. Whoever left those roses had a
specific purpose. I just watched nature take its course. I walked away and saw
a congregation of seagulls flocking around further down the shoreline. For some
reason, I smiled. Those birds fascinate me!
Walking back towards the boardwalk,
I couldn’t help but pick up seashells and a rock that looked interesting. I’ve
been collecting rocks and seashells since I was a little girl. I haven’t
collected as much in years, but the thrill hasn’t left me. I guess some things
don’t change. While dusting off the rock and seashells, I didn’t feel so alone
anymore.
I walked along the newly built
pier that was destroyed last year from Sandy. How nice it looks! The winds were
really picking up so I couldn’t sit down for long. The sun was so bright and
close. I felt as if I could reach out and touch it. I walked down the pier
until the end. No one was around and I stood by the railing admiring the sun.
The light reflecting off the water was beautiful. I began thinking about those
I care about, those I love very much. I didn’t want to leave, but it got cold
and I wasn’t dressed for it.
I walked
away feeling disappointed.
I wanted to stay a little bit longer.
Peace and reflection are two things that I hold dear to my
heart, my being. With so many tragedies happening so frequently, I am grateful
to be here. No one is except from dying, and I know I am no different. I live
in an area where just recently two people lost their lives steps away from my
home. There is a lot of sadness, anger, frustration, killings, death, and
disbelief. I feel humanity has taken a back seat and evil has revealed itself
fully and completely. I still believe this world is beautiful, but it has its
flaws. We have flaws. The important thing is to focus on the positive things
life has to offer. I finally see that now. I am not fussy, nor do I look for
perfection. I accept people as they are even if I don’t agree with their
actions. I apologize when I’m wrong, and walk away when I am wronged. I focus
on helping people in an effort to make a difference in the world. I believe I
have and will continue to do so even if I’m standing alone. I am not afraid of
standing alone anymore. Sometimes that is necessary. Life is so short. I want
to live life to the fullest and be happy. Happiness creates change, and change
creates newness. Peace with self is everything. I don’t look for acceptance,
because I accept me. I don’t care if I am disliked, talked about, or
criticized. I am a simple woman who loves to love, smile, and be creative. I
make no apologies for that.
