Nighttime Reflecting (The Inner Voice Speaks)

11:25 PM

It's Tuesday night. It's quiet and I'm glad. I always enjoy the quiet time. It allows me to reflect and let my inner voice have her say. I tend to think a lot at night. Lately, I've been in a reminiscent mood. I go through old pictures of self and things I used to do. I read old emails or letters, and sometimes re-read journal posts. Since I write a lot, I always like to know what I was feeling at that time through words. I didn't call it reflecting then, but I've been reflecting all my life. I guess it's a part of me. Traditionally, I listen to a variety of music when I write. I do this to evoke or tap into any lingering emotion I may have. I always like to allow the inner voice to speak, her way. So what will she say tonight? There are so many things to express. Sometimes, I feel a blog post isn't enough to say all that I feel.

March is here which means spring is only days away. Spring is my favorite season. Next Sunday is daylight savings time. Longer days, more sun time, and hopefully warmer weather, it's great! Every month since January, I've created monthly goals to encourage self in pursuing the things I want. This month the goals are to continue working on my dream, to walk and explore in baby steps, network and build my brand, and lastly, to keep smiling. Sometimes that's hard to do when everyday feels the same. I try to make each day different by doing different things. Hip recovery this time around is a slower process, and me doing silly things like cleaning the house makes it even slower. Don't get me wrong, cleaning the house is a good thing, but not while recovering from hip surgery. I did this last Friday and now I'm paying for it big time. I wanted to feel useful. Now, I have to be on bed rest. Despite that, I am here blogging, and working on my book. 

I'm enjoying writing my story. Being able to go back during good and not so good times helps me tell my story the way I want. It also reminds me of how far I've come. I don't regret those times, because I needed that to happen in order for me to mature and learn. However, there is always that one time in life you wish you could erase. Writing that part of my story isn't easy. I have been asked why I am doing this. Honestly, writing a book is something I always wanted to do. This is for personal fulfillment. My hope is that this book, my story, will inspire or aspire people. The goal is to not just talk about me, but to share stories of hardship and triumph all in the process of reflection. It's the same goal in starting this blog. I hope sharing my experiences can be felt, and people can take something away from it. I strongly believe we are all on this journey together. Maybe my voice can be a voice for someone who cannot speak or express themselves. I am realistic, in that there may be some who read this blog or my book and think its trash. That's okay too. If one person reads anything I write, that's an accomplishment in itself. 

I have been spending a lot of time praying and thinking about how I want to live my life. I know how I want things to be career/job wise. That is never a worry or concern. God has given me direction and I no longer feel lost. It took many days at the waterfront, reflecting and sometimes crying, to listen and pay attention to what God has been trying to show me. I am grateful for the answer. I am grateful for the blessing. One of the things I want is to feel more fulfilled in my interaction with people. I want improvement in my social life. Frankly, I want a social life. I want to trust again. I want to know what it's like to receive love, the kind of love that doesn't have to be spoken about. The actions will speak for itself. I want to be appreciated for what I do for others, and have those actions reciprocated. I’m tired of being fooled to think I have a friend when he or she is really not. I’m tired of being dropped, because I can’t solve other people’s problems. I don't want the one-sided-ness anymore. I want to be happy with people who not only care about me, but know the true meaning of friendship. Someday, I want to meet my better half. It would be wonderful to have a man love me for me. It would be nice to not be the one to make the first approach, but to be approached. Every woman wants to feel wanted (men too). I don’t have a problem letting a man know I’m interested in him. I’m not shy. Loving someone comes easy for me. I can say, “I love you,” without hesitation because I truly mean it. I take love very seriously. I hope to experience that someday without false pretense. I want to experience love in its purest form.

I think about traveling a lot these days. I want to see the world. I know as a New Yorker, we pride ourselves to think we are the world. We have so much here. For me, I always felt there was more to see than just New York City. I visited other states, but never long enough to fully explore them. I want to go exploring. I want to travel abroad and live my dream in teaching ESL in another country. I will work towards that. I want to relocate. Only a few friends know my desire to leave New York City. Many of them get upset at me for feeling this way. I guess I could see it from their point of view. Why leave a place that has so much to offer? After all, we are the city that never sleeps right? This is true yet I want change. I was born and raised here. I am just now learning about my city, and finding the creative side of it. I love our waterfronts, and of course the street art. Although it's exciting to rediscover something that was once ignored, it hasn't changed my wanting to leave it. It's getting harder and harder to live here both financially and socially. I like the excitement NYC brings. However, I wonder if this lifestyle or environment is best for me. It's my home, but I feel so out of place here sometimes. This is my sad truth I suppose. 

So where do I go from here? 

For now, I have to be patient and have faith. I have to keep reflecting and stay focused on my dream. That may just be the answer. Only time will tell. 

Trying to Hold the Laptop Steady

Where are the words to create new thought?

The incomplete manuscript stares at me

Wondering what new ideas will be sought

Putting together the story of my life

Noise surrounds every inch of the room

A rush of anxiety travels through my fingertips

Concentration interrupted with every single boom

Holding the laptop steady as everything vibrates

With each sentence typed on the word document

Repetition begins to haunt my reality

Thinking about past events, a distracted moment

Deleting every sentence of useless babble

Crashing sounds, music, and lots of yelling

Time passes by as frustration elevates

Try to ignore it, determined to keep going

Still holding the laptop steady

Reflect and Be Silent

No longer want to be an agent

Of dismissal and rejections

I rather reflect and be silent

Reach out in love and care

Cold shoulders, cold stare

Don’t understand, left confused

I rather reflect and be silent

When told my friendship doesn't matter

I avoid the tears and anger

Wish I had said something

Instead I reflect and be silent

When efforts are pushed aside

Try to hold my feelings inside

Frustration sets in

I have to reflect and be silent

Express my feelings through words

While reflecting in silence

Wondering if the best outcome

Is remaining quiet by keeping distance

Blurred Distraction

Distracted by the sounds of booming house music

Try to memorize, singing every lyric

Sun shines in room creating prisms like disco lights

Daydream about dance and partying on Friday nights

Apple perfume fills the senses as it rests on the rugged table

Gaining ideas from things I can reuse and upcycle

Admire the once old bottles now flower vases all handmade

Freedom of expression, freehanded art that is unpaid

Blurred by the surrounding colors in my comfort bubble

Feeling satisfied and humble

Sunlight continues to bounce off the walls

Distorting my picture as the camera falls

February Thoughts on Crafting, Goals, and Love

Crafting

It's now February and a snowy one. New York City has been hit with snow storm after snow storm. It is winter after all. Luckily, I don't have to experience the slushy, slippery sidewalks and streets. However, I don't like the winter season. It's dark, gloomy, and cold. It always makes me feel melancholy. Spring can't come fast enough. I have to admit, this winter season hasn't gotten me down. I've been in good spirits despite the constant hip pain. Since crafting, I feel excited recycling and upcycling used items. I feel I see things differently more now than before. I'm sure I can be annoying taking out empty bottles and cans from my recycling can at home. I think my family understands what I'm doing even when I stop them from throwing things out. Don't get me wrong, I don't save or collect everything. I love cans, plastic bottles, beer bottles (even though I rarely drink beer or any alcoholic beverage), and cardboard. Cardboard is my favorite item to collect. I love paper too, especially maps and paper with lots of colors on it.

I recently made a handbag from magazine paper. I'm surprised how cool it came out. The handle is from a Victoria's Secret shopping bag. It got a lot of attention on social media and family. Maybe I have a hidden talent somewhere, never know. I'm told I should teach craft making, or sell what I make online. I appreciate the compliments, but I don't think I'm at that level yet. I craft for the love of it. If someone wants me to make them something, I'd do it for free. I love it that much. In making this bag, I had to fold a lot of paper. The day I made it I was in a lot of pain. I did a wrong exercise at physical therapy which caused me great pain and difficulty walking. However, I was determined to make this bag. Between Pandora radio listening to house music (my favorite type of music), and folding paper, it helped take my mind off the pain temporarily. The end result was worth it. I started a blog on Tumblr of my creations. It's called, Art by Sunbubbes at www.darasunbubbles.tumblr.com. I also started a Facebook group called Crafting R Us. There we create, share, and discuss crafting ideas. I'm surprised by the turnout but so happy people are getting into it.

Goals

When I'm not crafting, I focus on the goals I set for this year. So far I have accomplished some of those goals in January. I am purposely not mentioning what that is yet. I will when the time is right. It's big, and something I've always wanted to do. I'm half way there which is exciting. Another goal I can discuss is my writing. I am working on taking my writing to the next level. I'm still working on my book, and writing here on the Creative Corner and DaraSunSparkles blog on Wordpress. However, I want to do more freelance writing work. I still enjoy writing news articles, and would like to cover more stories for media outlets on and offline. I am researching that, as well as, trying to network with people in the freelance-journalism business. I've gotten critiqued by a journalist last Fall on one of my Examiner.com articles. He was straightforward, blunt, and helpful on the content I was presenting and grammar usage. I want more of that so I can perfect my writing skills. Also, I would like to get paid for my articles. I'm learning how to go about that. I read a lot on my down days. Down days are days when I'm not feeling well and cannot sit up to write or craft. I read everything I can about freelance writing, price setting, taxes, etc. I feel I'm on the right track.

February Thoughts

February is Black history month and is also the time we celebrate love on Valentine's Day. As a Black woman, I am particularly proud to be celebrating in a month where my ancestors are remembered for their contributions to society. If you're curious as to where my ancestors originate from, they are from Nigeria and the United States. I'm told that my grandmother on my mom's side was Native American and from the Seneca tribe. Maybe that's where I get my unique features from. I love it no less. Despite the hardship I've faced as a Black woman, it doesn't make me less proud of who I am. I don't care if my color bothers anyone. That's their ignorance and in many cases their stupidity. I will say that there is more to me than my skin color. I welcome anyone to get to know me; anyone willing to look beyond the color of my skin.

Love

Valentine's Day is a day I never really liked. Growing up, I always felt left out from the hearts and love notes. I only received that twice in high school from a special friend whom to this day I appreciate. We never dated, but he knew how to make a lady feel special. It was also nice to be told "I love you," instead of "I'm not interested in you." In my relationships, I had few moments where I smiled on that day, but it was never what I'd hoped it to be. I usually ended up disappointed. For years, I stopped caring and ignored the day all together. A few years ago, I grew to like it again. I didn't have a boyfriend, but I had a better attitude about it. I was teaching then so my focus was doing Valentine's Day crafts in class. This year, I am looking forward to it. I still don't have a boyfriend, but I have friends. I have a lot of love to share. What better way to share the love by making something for others? Recently, my mom and I made Valentine's Day cards for seniors as part of an initiative with DoSomething.org. I was so inspired that I decided to do that with friends. I shared on Facebook that we should do a Valentine's day card exchange. The goal is to hand make the cards and send to each other. Some people were interested so I have some cards to make. It's also a special day for me, because a few years ago I met a dear friend of mine. I guess I have a lot to smile about.

Love is beautiful whether it's in the form of friendship or a relationship. Someday I will have the relationship I desire, but friendship has always meant a lot to me. I rather have that than nothing at all. So here's to love today and everyday. Valentine's Day is just a day, but love should be celebrated always. I love always.

The Walk and My New Found Love for Crafting

On January 12, I took my first walk. It's been a month since surgery and despite my reluctance I decided to take a slow stroll up the block from my home. Once I got outside, I stood silently remembering the first steps I took after my first surgery in 2012. I did the same thing I did that year, I stood looking up at the sun and said thank you. It was a bit chilly for a Sunday afternoon. In 2012, it was March and the weather was much nicer. My mom accompanied me as we walked slowly to the corner. It was then I saw some new graffiti art. I had taken a picture of its original art on the side of a store. Apparently, its now different and more vibrant with colors. I will take pictures of it in due time. I love street art, particularly graffiti and murals. We walked to the store, a new discount store that had me smiling from ear to ear. Everything in it had things I needed, wanted, and brought memories of when I used to teach. It also had things I could use to craft things with such as rhinestones, seashells, and contact paper. This is the biggest one we've had in some time. I am happy it is here. In walking back home, I felt pain through my leg and foot. I wasn't surprised. I was just happy to be outside and under the sun. I missed it. I miss the waterfront. I will get there soon.

I began physical therapy on January 8. The place I go to is convenient since it's near my home. I still use an ambulette service to take me there. Soon I hope to return taking the bus. I don't miss the crowds on the infamous B38 bus! The physical therapists are very nice. They fully explained my condition and gave me an estimate as to when I should be back on my feet. They're predicting 3-4 months, however it will be a year (or more depending on my body) until I'm fully healed. Since this is the second surgery on the same hip and two different procedures were done, my recovery will be unique. The not so good news is this has affected my balance and walking tremendously. The physical therapist saw how my foot goes sideways when I walk and is concerned. I have noticed it in recent pictures of me standing up. I prepared for any changes to my walk before surgery. I am not alarmed but concerned as well. I will never be a model or walk the runway, so it is okay. The good news is I am making progress, but need to pace myself. As the therapist said, "After all, you just had surgery a month ago."

The Melancholy Effect

The one thing I still dislike about the recovery process is what I call the melancholy effect. It's when time seems to be passing you by, and you are still. It's the lonely feelings that creep up, as well as, missing to do the things you used to do. I am an independent person. It is hard for me to ask for help at times. I like to do things on my own. Being dependent is something I have yet to get used to. I may never get used to it. The lack of camaraderie can be difficult too, because you can't go out or do much. I'm not a homebody and enjoy being outside. I rarely invite anyone to my home. There are many reasons for that, but here's a few. I don't like where I live, I have trust issues, and don't like being indoors. There are few people I wouldn't mind visiting me, but my home isn't an open house. I like to keep some things private in my life, even though I don't have anything to hide, ironic!  Lastly, I become reminiscent during these down times. To avoid becoming depressed, I get creative. I also pray, read, and work towards my goals. In this month alone, I already accomplished 4 things. That's something to smile about.

My New Found Love for Crafting



My workstation



I have been crafting lately which helps me deal with the lonely moments. It also helps me think of more things to create. I love recycled art most, because not only you help save the planet, but reuse things for other purposes. Being creative makes me happy, and allows me to express myself more just differently. I have a long road ahead in my recovery, why not do something to make it less painful. I can list what I made but pictures speak louder than words. Here are a few examples. Enjoy!

Recycled cardboard box

Add an old light, some makeup mirrors and contact paper...

And a new jewelry box is born!

Must have some bling--an old brooch and some rhinestones makes the outside look divine!

A used cell phone box decorated with contact paper and stickers

Paper towel rolls decorated with recycled magazine paper, maps, and more

 

Put them together to create storage for pens, pencils, etc. 

Who says oatmeal has to be boring?

 

Re-create its container for storage--decorate using an old subway map

 

Happy New Year 2014 and Happy 3rd Birthday

New Year 2014

  

It’s day 7 of New Year 2014 and it is off to a good start! It’s been three weeks since surgery, and tomorrow I begin physical therapy. Despite our recent snowstorm and bitterly cold temps, I look forward to going out. As for recovery, I am still on crutches, but able to maneuver with them better than I did two weeks ago. Some days are better than other days. I was sick this past weekend and almost passed out. Luckily, I didn’t and realized my body needed more rest. There have been some housing issues, which caused a great deal of stress and aggravation. It hasn’t been easy, and I have not rested well. Despite this circumstance, I’m staying positive and believe things will get better soon. I am praying on it.

Otherwise, I am still making things with recycled items. I made what I’m calling a bubble bee vase out of an old plastic bottle. I painted another one that is storing the bottle tops I collected. I revised a box-bag by adding my own decorating touches to it. That now holds more art supplies such as contact paper, ribbons, and more. I enjoy making things it makes me happy. As I posted on Facebook, “When I craft (or do anything creatively), I forget about the world around me. It's like I'm in my own little bubble, and nothing else matters except for the newness being created by my hands. I smile.” I love paint, glue, and glitter the most. The things you can make with them are endless!

Happy Birthday Creative Corner (December 2010-December 2013)

It is my honor to still be writing on this blog, and sharing my thoughts with the world after its start in 2010. This has been a good three years, and I appreciate everyone who has read, shared, liked, disliked, commented, Tweeted, Googled, Facebooked, you name it, I appreciate you all. I humbly thank you for embracing this blog, and making it apart of your reading pleasure.

Here’s to continuing this journey through reflection, discovery, and creativeness.  

One final note, I am still working on my book. The goal is to complete it by the end of this year, maybe sooner. I will keep you updated.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.