No place of passing clouds

Throughout this journey of love

It moves slowly like clouds above

Lots of give and no take

Something precious is at stake

Entangled into web of seduction

Hidden answers leave one to question

This hold that you possess

Feelings not willing to express

Not worthy to be in the same presence

Yet unable to break free from your essence

Uncertain, confusing fable

With no morals brought to the table

Deep emotions rise to the surface

Snatched away like pearls from a necklace

Inexcusable madness

Causes such sadness

Desire to be seen from the crowd

Shouting love out loud

Walks away, ears deaf, eyes shut

Little bit of hope now cut

There are no clouds in the sky above

Leaving heart with unwanted love

Tears fall from the face

That still stands out of place

Learning about Me

Wednesday, 7/4/12: "Happy 4th, happy to be friends"

I don't usually celebrate the 4th of July. I'm either home watching TV or reading a book. I got a text message from a friend, someone I haven't seen in a year, asking to hangout. I said okay. After all, it beats being home all day. The sun was out, it was hot but I didn't mind. When I saw my friend Evelyn, we hugged saying how long it's been since seeing each other. Then the smiles turned to looks of disappointment; we both realized we had a lot to talk about. As we stood on line to see a movie, I knew this day was going to be more than having a few laughs and eating popcorn (which we didn't have). By the way, Madea's Witness Protection is a funny movie.

We headed to a diner, then to the waterfront where we talked. There were many questions, some answers all balling down to one simple response, "I'm sorry." Evelyn reminded me that in any friendship or relationship there will be ups and downs. As she puts it, "It's part of life, no one's perfect." I learned something about myself that day. Many who know me knows that I am loving, kind hearted, and love being there for people, but don't "reach out" to those who are reaching out to me. At times, through my own admission, I isolate myself from people when I feel alone or going through something. I've been told by others, and now Evelyn that even though it's understandable it's unacceptable to those who want to be there for me. I admit that there was a time when I was very open and shared myself with others. Sadly, that stopped after getting hurt and being misunderstood, criticized, and put down. After that I shut down and went within myself. My attitude was, "If I'm going to be alone so be it." I know that's not the way to be, because it's not fair to those who give a damn about me, and go out of their way to show it. I'm happy Evelyn and I made amends, we're back to being friends stronger now than before. We both agree that it's good things happened the way they did, because we wouldn't be where we're at now. We didn't stay for the fireworks, but enjoyed being by the waterfront. For the first time, I reflected with someone. I reflected with my friend. I thank her for being here for me.



Friday, 7/6/12: "I'm proud of you"

My brother and I always have good conversations about life, spirituality, goals, and much more. We've grown closer something I've wished for years. As we did our usual catch up, I discussed how I'm approaching certain things. He gave his input as always and said, "I'm proud of you Dara." When I asked why, he said he's happy I'm "finally" stepping out of my comfort zone. As I told him, I figured since there are many ways in going about pursuing what I want to do, I might as well just go with the flow. I don't want to limit myself so I decided to pursue and apply for everything (which I already started doing). One way or another I will find my way, but in the meantime I need to enjoy myself. I'm making it a priority to go out and do things that make me happy. The best part of this is I'm not going by it alone. I'm open to hanging out with people and having new adventures. It's new territory for me, but by being open to new friendships I'll be open to dating as well.

"Dara does belly dancing?"

Yes you read it right, I did belly dancing yesterday. I still can't believe it! There was a free belly dancing class at Brooklyn Bridge Park yesterday evening. It was free and open to the public. Secretly, I always wanted to learn how to belly dance but was too shy to try it. As I giggled by the idea of me belly dancing, I didn't hesitate to jump into the crowd. Next minute I know my hips were circulating and swaying back and fourth. I felt silly at first, but after a while I felt sexy. Ironically, my hip didn't hurt; I did have surgery six months ago! The instructor was nice and made me feel comfortable. My friend videotaped me shimmering around. Watching it I laughed, because this is one of the boldest things I've ever done. I didn't realize I have good rhythm! Now I usually would post video on this blog, on Facebook or my YouTube channel, but I'm shy about people watching me wiggle my hips around. Maybe I'll share with close friends. I think the pictures do the trick. The best part of this experience was watching the sunset, feeling the cool breeze as I followed the hip wiggling routine. The music was great too! I felt proud of myself for jumping into something without thinking about it. Maybe that's what God is trying to show me. When you want to do something, just jump in and do it. Some things don't require much planning. Sometimes you have to go into things blindly to see your abilities. In doing so, you step out of your comfort zone. I'm happy to be doing that.

Prepare for him

Dating. That's a word I've been pondering on lately. Sounds so simple, the process seems simple yet I find it difficult. I've opened up about being single on this blog, and some of my poetry reflects on my desire to being loved. This is no secret. However, I find it hard to express my reasons for not allowing myself to date. I want to date. I want to meet a nice guy to share my thoughts with, be my companion. More importantly, I want to fall in love. When I was in my 20s, dating seemed easy. I dated guys I met online until I got into two serious relationships. I was carefree then, threw caution to the wind, and was satisfied with any man showing some interest in me even if it was done in deceit. At that time, being noticed by the opposite sex was great despite the warning signals. When I became a girlfriend, I took that title seriously. I was loyal, loved wholeheartedly, and was dedicated to the relationship. I felt proud. Once I got hurt (physically, emotionally, and sexually), my carefree, proud, loving self became numb. I lost faith in men, lost faith in being in a relationship, and I stopped dating all together. Going on year two of being completely single, my desire to be loved has returned, just differently. I am no longer concerned about being noticed. I'm still loving just not as carefree, and have trust issues. Yet, I want to give love a chance. The problem? Me.

Fear has dominated my heart and I am afraid to go out there and try meeting someone. I believe there are good men out there. I know there's someone for everyone. I'd like to think there's someone for me. Love is universal, and I have love for people I care about, including men in my life. I still have love for one of my exes. We're still friends, have been for years. There's one man I love very much. I don't think he knows just how much I love him. Sadly, he doesn't love me back. We're friends that will probably never date. Which leads me to now, a 31 year old single woman who is allowing fear to stop her from meeting the man of her "dreams" (I use the word dreams loosely). Usually I have an inspirational hook to my blog posts, whether the topic is personal or not. I don't have any to offer. In fact, I could use some inspiration on this topic. I'm open to suggestions. What I am NOT open to are the "Girl you need to lose weight, show off skin, flirt with every man you see, hookup, blah blah blah" kind of comments. I will save those people the trouble by saying I am comfortable with my weight, I don't have to expose all my goodies to define my womanhood, I don't want to flirt with every man, and I don't do hookups. I am a lady. A friend recently suggested that I should "prepare for him," meaning spiritually prepare for the man who's right for me. I continue to do that through prayer. I also pray that fear will leave my heart so I can be ready for him.

Who knows...maybe the man of my "dreams" reads this blog. If so, I welcome him to leave a comment (smile).

Request

Last Friday, I made a request to my friends on Facebook. I asked for prayer. This is something I don't ask for unless it's for a loved one or for something in general. I usually don't ask for prayer for myself. I finally did on Friday night. Why did I make such a request? For the first time, in a long time, I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an "X." There are four different directions to go but unsure which path I should take. As I mentioned in my blog post, "A hmm moment" each direction is a good one. I think what's making me feel unsure is how I can pursue these things with limited resources. I am my worst critic and can be very hard on myself. This doesn't help when that inner voice keeps saying, "You could be doing better," or "Can I really do this? Can I really become a...?" Self-doubt is never good, but somehow it creeps up during the deciding process.

I have a burning desire to not only pursue the things I want, but to make a difference in the world. That means more to me than anything. So far I'm confident in the things I've been doing. I am proud to be able to stand before anyone associated in the news business and say "I'm a writer. I cover news stories. I write for Examiner.com." Or when I discuss my interest in social work to professional social workers and say, "I'm a member of the National Association of Social Workers and plan to pursue a MSW by 2013." I'm not a professional in these fields (yet), but feel confident I will be in the near future. This attitude is new for me. The only time I'm this confident is when I'm discussing ESL teaching or challenged by other ESL teachers. I never back down from a challenge, and can debate with the best of them. I'm no expert but with 7 years in the ESL teaching profession I know a thing or two.

I asked for prayer, because I want to feel spiritually confident in what I'm pursuing. I don't want disappointment to stop me from reaching my goals. I've been job searching a lot and it's a long and difficult process. Patience is definitely tested, and it can be frustrating waiting by the phone or email inbox hoping for a response. I always remind myself that I am not the only one applying to these jobs, so I understand it's going to take a while. My hope is it won't take too long. I've been applying for positions in teaching (of course), entry-level case work (to gain some experience in social work), writing (freelance mostly and news based positions), and administrative/clerical positions. I'm open to different employment opportunities, but focus on what I know I can do. I don't want to waste any one's time.

I've been told that one must take a leap of faith and to follow the heart. This may be one of those times. Wish me luck.

Standing by water

When I stand by the pier looking out at the water, I close my eyes feeling the cool breeze. When I open them, I can see the sun’s presence in the background. The horizon seems endless. I can’t see that far away. I can only imagine what lies behind it, if anything at all. I like to observe the water’s current. As it moves, I imagine it carrying away my thoughts. The water is my constant counselor. I can share anything and everything to “her” and it’s never revealed to anyone. The clouds, if present, are like pockets where I store ideas, goals, and wishes about things ranging from careers to love. The sun is interesting. Depending on the mood, she can be very hot, or warm enough to know she’s there. There are times she hides behind the clouds. When this happens, I imagine those ideas, goals, and wishes being processed and released back to the water. These are the things I daydream about when I’m by the pier or any type of waterfront. After this happens, I return to reality and focus on how I’m feeling at that moment. I always pray because I appreciate the time spent by the water. I allow my thoughts to roam and whichever one that lingers I focus on more. I think about my family, I think about my friends. I think about those I love. Then I think about me. I feel I’m reaching another crossroad where decisions have to be made. The irony is whichever way it goes it’s still something to smile about, thankfully. I hope water’s current will lead me into the right direction and carry me to where I need to be.  I trust she will provide me with an answer soon. For now, I will continue to go by the water and reflect. 

I made it to the boardroom

It's not every day the general public can go to MTA headquarters, especially their boardroom. I am one of the lucky ones. Today the MTA held a public hearing on their 5th floor boardroom, the same place reporters and members of the media congregate at press conferences. The room seems so big on TV but it's actually small. The board members look more stern on television than they do in person; they are friendly. The MTA chairman wasn't present at today's hearing but other board members were in attendance. Testimony from the public was given about proposed projects that will improve NYC Transit. The hearing lasted from 4:30 to 6pm. As I took notes, I remembered all the reports I watched my friend and PIX 11 reporter Greg Mocker did in the very same room. I imagined him being there and wondered what he would say if he had to give testimony. I smiled at the thought. I also remembered that a year ago I wanted to have the chance to do a story about the MTA, and visit their headquarters. I'm happy my wish came true.

Here's my story on Examiner: http://www.examiner.com/article/proposed-mta-projects-and-public-feedback

A "hmm" moment

For the past few days, I've been saying "Hmm" with thoughts of where I am in life, what I'm currently doing, and where I'm heading. Although I feel confident I'm going in the right direction, the question of how to bring all this[teaching, writing and social work] together has popped up in my head. I don't mind wearing many hats or at least pursuing them. I have my goals set and thankfully I'm working towards them all. But I often wonder if any of it will lead me to where I want to be. With the economy being such a mess (sorry but there's no other way to put it) and being unemployed, I have to think about taking care of myself financially. Money is something I don't like to focus on, because I don't want to lose sight on my purpose in life which is to help others and make a difference. Of course I need to take care of me, but I don't need to be rich to do that. It's hard living in a city of such high expense.

Rent is high, finding a job is difficult, and just to be comfortable may require two jobs and a roommate to make ends meet. I don't mind working, actually I enjoy it, but would like to work a job or jobs I enjoy, pays well, and can provide a roof over my head. With the constant cutting of ESL programs throughout the city, it's hard to land a full time job as an ESL teacher. The same goes for the social work profession, writing, just about every profession is going through some form of downsize. Patience and faith is definitely tested. I've been asked recently, "What are you going to do now?" and I haven't come up with an answer yet. All I know is to put everything in God's hands, and believe that opportunity will present itself in its due time. Despite my concerns, I'm stubborn. I won't stop what I'm doing. Every effort I make now will eventually pay off later.

I enjoyed my volunteer work last Saturday. Hearing my client express the many difficult obstacles she's faced and overcame is admirable. I helped her in job search, she helped me remember the importance of inner strength. She told me I'm a good listener. That made me proud. I know how important it is to be heard. I'm happy I gave that to her. Sunday I spent the day at my friend's house talking, and giggled over her cooking outfit. She cooked dinner for us and her husband. She looked adorable and the food was good too. Tuesday I went to an interview to apply for a volunteer grant writer position which I got. This is a skill I need to learn since I worked in non-profit for years, and I find it interesting.

So far so good. I will continue to try my best and keep going.