With Each Step I Get Closer

I believe that the first step one takes forward is closer to getting to where they want to be. It’s not always an easy step, but once it’s done, it’s done. Once that happens, it’s a great feeling of accomplishment. Everything I am currently striving for is a mission to self that I can do what I thought I couldn’t or was told I can’t. Skeptics are everywhere, so are haters. Luckily, I haven’t had to deal with people like that (unless they’re being quiet about it). I don’t care, because this is my journey and everything I work hard towards is for Dara. The goal is to better me so I can better others. We are all on this journey together. I aspire to inspire, and offer hugs when needed.

Monday, May 12, 2014: “Congratulations”

I’ve been accepted to the John D. Fellowship for Public Service! I will be a fellow for the Department of Aging beginning this September. I am honored and feel privileged to be part of such an opportunity. I am so happy I can dance, and eventually I will (hip permitting)! Thanks to the selection panel for selecting me to not only represent one of their city agencies, but the chance to work in emergency management. I look forward to making a difference and helping all of us be prepared for disasters.

First week as a grad student (May 5-9, 2014)

It feels good to be back in school. This time around feels different. Originally, I thought it was because it happened unexpectedly. Another thought was that I am actually pursuing a Master’s degree. Interesting enough, it’s neither of those things. It’s my approach. I am a student, but I’m approaching this as a training experience. I am being trained as a human service professional. In this approach, I feel more relaxed. The work is challenging and it will take a great deal of hard work, but I know I can do it. I like what I’m learning so far and the conversations with fellow classmates (that’s part of our assignments, discussing what we read and sharing our opinions). I like my professor and classmates. I appreciate their insight. So far, I am off to a good start. I’m striving for a high GPA!

Making time for hangout time: getting reacquainted

I have a confession to make. I don’t make time to go out. When I work, I work hard and try to complete every task right then and there. However, this has caused me to burn out, become frustrated, and lonely. I am learning to balance my priorities and have good time management. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to turn off the laptop or cell phone because I’m always writing, researching, or reading something. I promised self and God that when I walk again I will go out more. This is a challenge for me, not going out alone but with people. Sounds odd doesn’t it? I tend to put school, work, and career first, people second. It has worked to some extent. I have three degrees, more training than I can count, and great teaching and learning experiences. That in itself is priceless. What I don’t have is a lot of experience hanging out, mingling with people. I am alone most of the time. I decided I need to include people in the mix. I want to laugh and laughing to self can bring unwanted attention. There are events I’d like to attend, and it would be nice to go with friends. I am learning to get over any insecurities I have, such as, whether or not people can relate to me, would they be interested in what I’m doing or saying, will I bore them etcetera. I’ve gone out recently and enjoyed the experience. One thing that helps me not feel “different,” is focusing on the environment I’m in and the treasures around me. 

Depending on the company, the environment we’re in or the conversation we’re having puts my mind at ease. Laughter is always welcomed. The one thing that has always bothered me is being reminded of how different I am whether it’s culturally, racially, weight-class, or whatever it is. I try to avoid people like that. I really dislike it, because I go out with people to have a good time, not be judged or feel segregated. When that happens, I quickly tune out and leave. I like being in natural environments whether alone or with people, because it’s vast. It is what it is, and I am who I am. I am truly in my comfort zone no matter what’s being said or done by others. I am reacquainting myself with friendships, and learning to be free-spirited with people again. Here’s to the adventure.

Reflection

The sun is always near. I am still a child of Mother Earth and still learning about this journey called life. I don’t have all the answers, nor do I understand every situation. I just try to maintain, pace self, and do everything out of love. It gets harder as I get older. I try not to let life’s happenings or problems worry me. Sometimes they do. When I don’t know what to do, I just look to the sky and let the sun guide me. Then I take another step forward.

Hello May: Here's to the Adventure

There’s something I’ve been reading and learning lately during my travels. The importance of inspiration. Inspiration is around us all. From the hidden treasures we find or see, to the people we know and meet. We can also inspire those who are in our lives, or be inspired by those we do not know. It’s all part of this journey called life. My goal is to explore, laugh more, and inspire self and others. Welcome to May, a new month of happiness and adventure.

Thursday, May 1: “You are okay”

I went to the doctor to deal with the second health problem I’ve been having. The good news is I am okay. I have a follow-up appointment in three months, but so far everything looks normal. It was a sigh of relief. Afterwards, I went to the park and wrote a reflection piece. I took a picture of it so I can share it here. Shortly, after I wrote it, a flock of birds flew over me and gave me an unwanted gift. Thank goodness for hand sanitizer and a removable hoodie!

Friday, May 2: “She was great”

I went to my interview for the John D. Solomon Fellowship for Public Service at NYC Office of Emergency Management. I was interviewed by three different agencies all looking for a fellow to assist in their emergency preparedness projects. I was nervous at first, but having my mom walk with me to OEM made me feel calm. Not only she wanted to see where their building was, but the walk there was nice. It was a nice morning, sun shining bright, and the pink tree blossoms were beautiful. As we hugged, she wished me luck. Then she looked at me and said, “I am so proud of you. I know you’re going to win them over!” I thanked her. Before she walked away, she said, “You know, you just need to go on and get that doctorate Professor.” Professor is my nickname. I smiled, “Oh mom! I’m already going for the Masters.” She shook her head, “Yeah, and I know you’re going to get that doctorate, I already know. So I can really call you a professor.” As we waved goodbye, I smiled feeling a bit emotional. Even as an adult, I still appreciate having mom walk with me to work or somewhere important. As she insists on me pursuing a doctorate degree (which she has been saying since getting the bachelor’s degree), I feel moved. She believes in me, and has always done so no matter what I applied for or pursued. That means more to me than she may realize. I love her so much.

Having a selfie moment

I met some nice people at OEM, along with the interviewers, and applicants. There was breakfast served in their lounge giving us a chance to mingle. I spoke to everyone, and quickly realized I was the only native New Yorker applying for this fellowship. However, it was impressive meeting a firefighter, and grad students studying a variety of majors. It was also nice meeting some who were also pursuing their degrees online. The interviews felt more conversational than the traditional interview setup. I made some laugh, and spoke of my experience as a teacher and volunteer, particularly in hurricane Sandy relief. I was told I had “an outgoing personality,” and they liked my energy. I did feel happy. I liked everyone I met, and it felt great wearing a suit again. I love the corporate look! After finishing from one of the interviews, I overheard one of the interviewers tell his colleague, “She was great.” I walked out feeling on cloud nine.

I visited the park outside the OEM building taking pictures of the pretty trees, and sun. I reflected on the experience. I posted it on Facebook, “As I walked up the half curved path, I quietly prayed thanking God and my late grandmother for being with me. I smiled noticing the sun peek from behind the clouds. The breeze felt nice. I feel my path is now open for me to walk on. It's been a journey, one I'm grateful to continue.”  Whether I get accepted or not, I am appreciative I got this far. I am walking again, and I am pursuing my dream one step at a time. I’m humble by the blessing.

 

The weekend: Saturday, May 3

I took the train into Manhattan. This was my second train ride since surgery, but the first into the city. I was excited and happy to be taking the train again without any issues. I visited the West Village, a favorite place to visit since it is so artsy and different. I took pictures, as I always do. I believe there are hidden treasures around, sometimes it could be the most insignificant thing. One of my favorite treasures besides finding old Metrocards (I found plenty), is seeing old signs of the subway. I am fascinated by our subway system (thanks to a friend who inspired me years ago), and its history. When I see old signs, such as the one at the West 4 Street station, it makes me feel I stepped back in time. I love the art of the subway especially the old architecture. I’d love to own a piece of it, if possible. For now, I‘ll take pictures. I met a dear friend whom I always have a nice time with. It felt good just to be hanging out again. I even tried vegan cake and it was super delicious! Who knew?

Sunday, May 4: Exploring Grand Central

As a native New Yorker, there are still so many things I haven’t seen or explored. Grand Central terminal is one of them. I admire its marble architecture and now 100 year history. I encouraged my mom to come with me, and we pretended we were tourists for the day. We visited a stationary store where I got a lot of crafting ideas. Then we headed to the main concourse where the famous clock stands in the middle. We both stood looking up at the beautiful ceiling of carvings and sketches couldn’t take enough pictures! I wanted to visit Grand Central on a weekend since weekdays are very busy. I collected some maps, saw a Metro North train, and watched tourists take pictures of themselves or with family. There were people just hanging around eating, on their cell phones, or sitting on the floor. We had fun taking pictures of different parts of the terminal. I like to take funny pictures (as you can see here), and making mom laugh. Actually, anytime someone hangs out with me is guaranteed to laugh. I like to have fun.

After exploring the terminal and having yummy iced coffee at a bakery, I showed mom the MTA headquarters. I still remember when I attended their board meeting in 2012. I blogged about it here (June 2012). It was a nerve wracking yet cool experience. I hope to attend one again. Then we walked to PIX plaza where my favorite news station is, PIX 11 news. I looked to see if I saw my reporter friend and his colleagues. No one was there, but I’m glad I had a chance to see the building and imagine myself working there. That would be a dream job!

Monday, May 5: First day of class

I am officially a grad student at Concordia University. I started my class today. I feel excited and look forward to studying hard and learning a lot. My first class is MHS 500: History and Foundations of Human Services. The professor is also the director of the human services program. I am impressed. I definitely have my work cut out for me. This month has started off better than anticipated. I feel this is a transitional month for me, and so far I can feel it happening. I feel happier and more attractive. I like the positive attention I am receiving from people I know and complete strangers. I look forward to more happy days ahead.

Raindrop Thoughts

It's raining. I was rereading my recent posts on here and felt the need to write. This is a free-write, because I am allowing my thoughts to roam so it can be transcribed here. I become very reflective at night, sometimes melancholy. Tonight, I feel calm after taking a warm shower and wearing my favorite body spray. I am not thinking of anything in particular. Some people are crossing my mind, I hope they are doing okay. I hope everyone I love and care about is doing okay.

Tomorrow is April 30, the last day of my birthday month. It was a good month. I'm happy to be walking better than before, and that I had a chance to take the subway. I am getting there, one step at a time. I have been spending time sitting at a nearby plaza/park after physical therapy. It not only relaxes me, but I get lunch from my friends at the nearby food truck. The coffee is excellent! I like people watching, sometimes get lost doing so and end up daydreaming. I'm always listening to music when I do this. I think a lot in general, but lately I've been focusing on how to move forward in this recovery. I want to work again, I want to live somewhere else, and begin to socialize.

I feel May will be the month for transition. It's a gut feeling I have and I'm going with it. I believe life is changing around me little by little. I returned to reading inspirational books. One of the things I've been reading is the importance of adventure and discovering the treasures around. I feel blessed that I am seeing these treasures each day I go outside. I collect things from old Metrocards to bottle caps. I love taking pictures, but when I take pictures of flowers or the sun, it becomes a hobby. Sometimes walking in a different section of a park, or taking a new route home is a treasure because it's new. People watching is cool too. I see some interesting fashions, especially handbags that I would like to have someday. Being financially poor has its advantages, because it allows you to appreciate things more. It humbles you.

I have been thinking about the future of the Creative Corner. I may discontinue it. I'm just not sure when I will do that. In writing my book, I realize it's an extension to this blog with more details. When it's done, what will be next? I haven't made any decisions, it's only a thought. I love writing on here. I feel people are reading it, and I hope they are enjoying reading my thoughts and reflecting experiences. I know I have enjoyed expressing them here. We'll see what happens.

The raindrops have stopped, so I guess I'll stop here too. Here's to a good night. You're in my thoughts and thanks for reading.

Happy 33rd Year of Life

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I am 33 years old and I feel renewed. This month has been wonderful and full of accomplishments. I am walking better, taking the subway, and revisited the waterfront. I am also proud to mention that I am a graduate student. I am pursuing a Master’s in Human Services at Concordia University, Nebraska. I am part of their online program.  I feel proud, because it happened unexpectedly. I did not plan to go to grad school for some time and now I begin class next month. One of the things that I’ve learned is when I take a laid back approach, things seems to work in my favor. With grad school, I knew I wanted to pursue it but didn’t have a set time frame. I decided to study human services as opposed to social work, because I have many interests. I want to concentrate on a field that encompasses all of those interests which includes social work, adult education, and emergency management. I feel this is the best route for me.

I took the subway for the first time after surgery which was four months ago. I didn’t feel uncomfortable. It was a nice ride on the F train, a ride I’ve always enjoyed. I used to work in the Midwood neighborhood of Brooklyn and took that train there. Something about an elevated train ride makes me happy. I got off at Stillwell Ave, Coney Island station. I bought lunch at Dunkin Donuts and had their iced caramel latte. The guy who took my order was nice. His smile made me smile.  I didn’t mention my birthday. Maybe he already knew. I walked to the beach where a nice amount of people were out walking, or riding their bikes. I never mind that since I block all of that out and focus on the beach itself. Near the iconic parachute jump tower music plays. I think it’s coming from the tower itself. The music ranges from 80s to 90s era, and can be heard from the nearby pier and beach. The music was so good, I turned off my iPod. I sat by the pier and ate my lunch. I thanked friends on and off Facebook for the lovely birthday wishes. I watched the shoreline and felt the sun on my face. I felt at home.

I eventually made my way to the beach where I recorded a video. I expressed my happiness being 33 years old, and grateful I overcame the recent struggles I had over the past year. I then picked broken seashells and put them in a clear plastic bag. I love collecting seashells and rocks, but never have I collected broken shells. I like their jaggedness, and interesting colors. They’re good for crafting purposes as well as for display. Once I got to the shoreline, I took in deep breaths feeling the mist develop on my glasses. My lips felt salty and my eyes kept tearing from the oncoming breeze from the ocean. I sat on the sand, which felt warm, and began to reflect. I did this after taking numerous pictures of the shoreline, sun, and seagulls. Speaking of seagulls, they kept coming near me as I stared at the horizon. I feel like we have some kind of connection. They, like pigeons, tend to follow me when I’m nearby the water or at a park. I don’t mind, as long as they don’t poop on me!

I wrote down my feelings, and did a voice recording. The voice recording was the most personal, because I discussed my life when it comes to love. I’m still debating whether I want to share it publically or write about it in my book. We’ll see. I haven’t done a voice “reflection” in years. It felt good to release my feelings through voice, especially paying attention to changes in my tone as I talk about loving someone, wanting to be loved (by him or someone else), and the letting go process. As I write this, I realize just how personal that is to me. Again, we’ll see how I proceed with that. Staring at the horizon is where I get lost in thought. I don’t hear anything except the sound of the crashing waves and seagulls squealing. I recorded that too. 

The thing that hit home while reflecting is how much I desire living in a natural environment. I don’t want to travel to it anymore, but instead live in or near it. I recorded the sounds of the beach so I can listen to it when I’m not there. I don’t like my living environment. It’s the one thing that makes me very sad and something I don’t talk about often. I never liked my neighborhood and not very fond of the people who I live amongst. I have been feeling this way since 1990 when my family moved here. It’s been a long time. Going by the water, whether it’s the waterfront or the beach, it’s my escape from the foolishness I have to deal with at home (not with family). Sometimes, I cry just thinking about it. I think most people who know me feel I am happy all the time when in fact that isn’t always the case. I have my sadness, and at times feel empty inside when it comes to wanting certain things. I hide it by focusing on what makes me happy: God, school, work, helping people, writing, music, and nature. Love makes me happy especially when I love others. When it’s not reciprocated, that makes me sad. Working towards my goals and dreams is what keeps me going. If I didn’t have that, I don’t know where I would be. I think a lot when I’m by the water.

This birthday was more reflective than previous ones, because I was alone. I allowed myself to just be me.  It felt nice. Later, I saw my friend at the diner and she blessed me with a free slice of my favorite cake, strawberry shortcake. I saw my other friend at the discount store to buy some happy birthday balloons. Sadly, they only had “get well soon” balloons. I bought dinner from the Chinese takeout restaurant where I saw my other friend. I have friends everywhere! At home, I ate, had a little rum and coke, and thanked everyone for virtually sharing this day with me (I posted pictures of my travels on Facebook).

It was a nice day, and I look forward to what this new year of life will bring. Cheers!

Waterfront Visit after Surgery

Stepping outside feeling the early breeze

The sun rises on a Saturday morning

This spring season has been a real tease

Happy to experience the weather again

At the bus hub sun pierces through the glass

The rays highlight pigments of my makeup

Gray sweater dress, blue tights, a lady with class

On a self-esteem high with music in my ears

Arrive downtown of rugged ground

Farmer’s market begin to set up shop

It is nice to see so many people around

Walking through the busy Borough Hall

Take another bus to go to my favorite place

Older gentleman says hello walking by me

Courtesy always put a smile on my face

An empty bus ride adds to the smile

Walking pass street art and history

Stopping to capture every moment

Feeling excited by what I see

Balancing the cane, camera and chai latte

Scent of the water draw me closer

Four months away from the flowing current

I am the reflective daydreamer

Finding self through every visit

Kids, a carrousel, and giant eggs on display

I sit idly watching the busy activity

Thanking the universe to see this day

The baby steps it took just to get here

Eventually standing at my favorite spot

Breathing in the air coming off the waves

The metal railing is not that hot

Lean forward as I begin to reflect

Thinking about the recovery process

Tiring and painful experiences

Appreciate it all and the success

Two surgeries down and I’m still here

Everyone is in their own bubble

Take comfort being in mine

Each of us go through our own cycle

That determines our return or departure

Embrace the bubbles that still remain

Releasing the ones that choose to float away

The friendships that continue to grow and sustain

May we find our way on this journey called life

Slowly walk away as the current moves

Feeling refreshed and happy

Change the playlist to another set of grooves

Smile as the sun guides my steps

Dara Takes The Bus: my adventure begins

April is off to a great start. As promised, I am celebrating me for the month, and doing all things that make me smile. I have been smiling, mainly because I accomplished a major goal. I took the bus and it felt great.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

The bus ride

I missed the infamous B38 bus, the same bus I’ve written articles about, and spoke at transit hearings regarding its service. There is something nostalgic in revisiting something you haven’t been to in a while. That was the feeling when I walked outside Saturday afternoon and was greeted by the sunlight. As I walked up the block to the B38 bus hub, it didn’t take long for a bus to pull up. Thankfully, I had my Metrocard in hand. Getting on the bus wasn’t difficult as I anticipated. I found a seat and that was it. I was riding on the bus. I couldn’t help but smile.

I would like to thank the Academy...

I went to a flea market. It was the first day to their season. It was crowded, many vendors selling both vintage and modern day items, as well as food. It was windy and my hair kept flying up. I didn’t mind. I felt pretty with my colorful outfit and makeup. I love wearing eye shadow, I always feel pretty wearing it. Yep, I’m back to my old self again. 

I enjoy going to flea markets, because I am a collector and I can get crafting ideas. I love collecting many things, most notably rocks and minerals. However, I love collecting metal objects, buttons, keys, and more. The more unique it is, the more I love it. I met some nice merchants who not only made me smile, but shared their experience being a merchant. I also enjoyed their positive energy. I admired what they were selling, from vintage clothes, skeleton keys, vinyl records, and my favorite, vintage milk and soda crates. The man selling them offered to drive them to my home upon sale. That’s good to know and I will be back. The same man had a replica of an Oscar award. So you know I had to take a picture.

I took the bus back home where I was standing for some time. I was concerned with the jerking motion of the bus, but I was fine. A lady allowed me to sit down which I appreciate. Being at the flea market confirmed my thought that there are hidden treasures everywhere. One never knows what he or she will find. That excites me, and I look forward to discovering more.

On Sunday, I relaxed and spent time with the family. Monday I received my new bed. I am happy but more humbled by that, because for years I’ve been sleeping on an old bed. I was literally sinking. How I survived sleeping on it with two surgeries is beyond me. It’s the little things we take for granted. Sleeping on a comfortable bed is priceless. I thank my Dad for this great gift. Now my hip and I can rest easy.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Physical Therapy Update: health pros and woes

Pros: I went to physical therapy, and was told I am progressing well. I still need to work on my balance and walk. Otherwise I am doing well. Climbing upstairs is still a challenge, and that will take time. It felt good to tell my physical therapist I took the bus. She was happy for me. I have two therapists. Depending on the day, either one will work with me. After the stretching exercises, I did my own stretches looking at myself in the mirror. “Have I lost weight?” I said to myself. I know my family said I did, but I laughed it off. In looking at myself, I think they are right. My favorite, “Love the Hustle,” t-shirt is looking less snagged on me. Hmm…if I did lose weight, I am glad. I haven’t been eating much lately. I have little appetite and no desire for any specific food. I do PT at home almost every day along with basic stretches. l like the exercises at physical therapy, but riding the bike is my favorite. I always go into a daydream while riding. I tend to think of the waterfront which motivates me to work harder so I can go there. I miss it. Also, I want to take the subway. Baby steps, baby steps.

Woes: Recently, I went to my family doctor for pain I’ve been having in another part of the body. It’s personal so I won’t go into details. During examination, my doctor said she saw something. “This concerns me,” she said, as I tried not to get nervous. I am going to a specialist next month (unfortunately that’s the earliest appointment I could get). I have some tests to take. The pain continues and makes me feel uncomfortable. Ironically, I’ve had this problem dating back in 2010, and doctors couldn’t find anything at the time. I took some medicine and that was it. It left, came back, left again, and now it’s here. I don’t like this, but remaining positive. I don’t want this to upset me too much, because it will interfere with my happiness. I remain in prayer.

Reflection: After physical therapy, I bought a Metrocard and found some extra ones laying around. I collect them in general. They make cool crafting projects. I took a walk through Borough Hall, downtown Brooklyn and admired the sunset. I like the area. Earlier, I received some good news via email. I will share once everything is finalized, but the possibility is not only likely but exciting. I thank God for the blessings. Despite the ups and downs of recovery, the lonely times, and sometimes painful moments (physically), I am still here. I am still trying. My dream lives on, and I will keep working at it one step/bus ride at a time.