Dara's Voice blog: 6-10-14 Reflection on Love

What is love? I attempt to answer that and share what love means to me.

https://soundcloud.com/dara-kirstene-fulton/6-10-14-reflection-on-lovewma

Dara's Voiceblog: Updates and Reflection 6-9-14

Due to my right hand/arm being out of commission, I decided to do a voice blog. Good news, bad news, my thoughts on teaching, being unemployed, and reflection...this is my voice blog via Soundcloud. Hope you enjoy the sound of my voice, or at least my message :)

https://soundcloud.com/dara-kirstene-fulton/6-9-14-voice-blog-daras-updates-and-reflectionwma

Two Years Unemployed--The Difficult Journey Continues

It's June and so far this year has been a good one. There have been some progress in how I pursue things, and some of those things came true. I am appreciative for that. School is going well, I am receiving 100% for discussion posts and received an A on my first paper. I didn't expect to be doing this well since this is grad school. It's much harder than undergrad, and yes I am modest. I surprise myself in how well I'm doing. I like the class, and assigned readings. I am learning more about myself while learning more about the human services profession. It's truly interesting. Here's an example of an assignment I had to analyze, a case study of a woman, including her husband and their two children. I had to assess this case as a human service professional and list the steps taken to help the client. Strength-based approach and problem-solving techniques had to be displayed. The case is fictional. 

Case study: Susan

Susan, who is married to Ted, is now a single mother of their two young sons, Justin and Matthew.

The mindset of Susan is a sense of abandonment, confusion, and uncertainty of how she will be able to financially take care of the household after Ted left the family.

The problems:

·         Susan drops out of school and relies on Ted for financial stability while pregnant with their first child, Justin

·         Ted abuses drugs and alcohol

·         Susan is both physically and sexually abused by Ted during her pregnancy

·         Justin is born with many health problems

·         Ted leaves family leaving Susan to rely on her parents to take care of Justin

·         Susan feels she needs to be like her mom and be the “good wife” despite Ted’s abuse

·         Susan doesn’t talk about their financial and emotional issues with her husband, and is afraid of his reaction

Ø  Subproblem: The varying of emotions Susan face daily and how she may or may not cope with them

Susan’s strengths:

·         Susan finds work after Ted abandons her and their son Justin, and again with their second child, Matthew

·         Susan continues to take care of her sons that have health problems and with special needs

·         Susan makes a list of the issues she faces

·         Susan is patient with her husband despite all that he puts her through

The Problem-Solving process:

·         As Susan’s case worker, I would help her identify her strengths through the problems she’s facing. I would assure her that she is doing a good job maintaining a household despite the struggles she has with Ted, financial burdens, and her sons’ poor health. I would encourage her to continue writing that list of issues, but to also keep a journal. The journal will allow Susan to express her feelings about herself, her relationship with Ted, her being a mom, her ideals of being “the good wife,” or anything she wants to express. I believe this will allow Susan to not only identify the problems, but deal with the emotions that follow. It will also help build her confidence as a mother, and empower her to recognize her inner-strengths.

·         I’d recommend substance abuse counseling and anger management for Ted if he decides to return to the family. This will depend if Susan wants to work things out with her husband. If Susan feels threatened by Ted’s abusive behavior, I’d refer her to a domestic abuse organization that help battered women.

·         I would ask Susan about her living environment, the community in which she lives in. Does she like it? Does she have neighbors? Does the community have local resources to help Susan in job development, childcare, or housing? Environment plays a role in how clients cope with personal problems. It can be supportive or detrimental.

·         I would work with the physicians and healthcare facilities where her sons go for treatment to see if there are ways they can be better helped. I’d like to know their conditions, what medicines they’re taking, if any, or whether Susan has insurance to cover their medical expenses. I’d like to know if Susan is going to the doctor too. If not, I’d make referrals. This will be for both physical and mental health.

·         Depending on Susan’s living environment, I’d like to know the public health concerns her community is facing. This may contribute to some of the health problems her sons are having, particularly Justin. Justin has difficulty breathing. I’d like to know the nature of air quality in her neighborhood, and who is overseeing these communal health problems, if any.

·         I would work as a liaison with medical professionals, public health officials, and other human service professionals to help Susan cope with these complex problems.

·         Through this process, I would assess her strengths and weaknesses and revise them as we move forward. We would work together to help Susan and her family live better lives. 

I like doing these kinds of assignments. Maybe someday I will have an opportunity to help a client like Susan. I wonder at times how I'd assess myself. 

When I am not doing school work (which is what I do most of the time), I am searching for part-time work, or working on my book. I make it a priority to go to the waterfront or hang out with friends at least once a week. I force myself to do this to avoid burnout. I reflect a lot, which helps me put things in perspective. It's been hard lately dealing with family health woes, housing issues, and being financially poor. Despite my efforts in staying positive, it hits home. Sometimes I don't know the way or the path to take to improve these circumstances. I just don't like how it makes me feel when I can't take care of responsibilities. 

I'm probably feeling this way, because this month makes two years I've been out of work. I am not happy about this, and tried to avoid this from happening. I guess everything happens for a reason. I will not complain, because I still have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a bed to sleep on. It could be worse. This experience has been humbling, and I had to swallow my pride more times than I can count. I am a proud person and don't like asking for help, especially help in personal matters. However, I'm learning that humbling self makes a difference. I am not the only one going through tough times. We have to remain strong and help one another. No one is better than anyone. We are all on this journey called life together. 

My goal for this month is to continue to stand tall no matter what happens. It's getting harder, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I will be strong and ride through this storm. After all the sun is always near. 

With Each Step I Get Closer

I believe that the first step one takes forward is closer to getting to where they want to be. It’s not always an easy step, but once it’s done, it’s done. Once that happens, it’s a great feeling of accomplishment. Everything I am currently striving for is a mission to self that I can do what I thought I couldn’t or was told I can’t. Skeptics are everywhere, so are haters. Luckily, I haven’t had to deal with people like that (unless they’re being quiet about it). I don’t care, because this is my journey and everything I work hard towards is for Dara. The goal is to better me so I can better others. We are all on this journey together. I aspire to inspire, and offer hugs when needed.

Monday, May 12, 2014: “Congratulations”

I’ve been accepted to the John D. Fellowship for Public Service! I will be a fellow for the Department of Aging beginning this September. I am honored and feel privileged to be part of such an opportunity. I am so happy I can dance, and eventually I will (hip permitting)! Thanks to the selection panel for selecting me to not only represent one of their city agencies, but the chance to work in emergency management. I look forward to making a difference and helping all of us be prepared for disasters.

First week as a grad student (May 5-9, 2014)

It feels good to be back in school. This time around feels different. Originally, I thought it was because it happened unexpectedly. Another thought was that I am actually pursuing a Master’s degree. Interesting enough, it’s neither of those things. It’s my approach. I am a student, but I’m approaching this as a training experience. I am being trained as a human service professional. In this approach, I feel more relaxed. The work is challenging and it will take a great deal of hard work, but I know I can do it. I like what I’m learning so far and the conversations with fellow classmates (that’s part of our assignments, discussing what we read and sharing our opinions). I like my professor and classmates. I appreciate their insight. So far, I am off to a good start. I’m striving for a high GPA!

Making time for hangout time: getting reacquainted

I have a confession to make. I don’t make time to go out. When I work, I work hard and try to complete every task right then and there. However, this has caused me to burn out, become frustrated, and lonely. I am learning to balance my priorities and have good time management. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to turn off the laptop or cell phone because I’m always writing, researching, or reading something. I promised self and God that when I walk again I will go out more. This is a challenge for me, not going out alone but with people. Sounds odd doesn’t it? I tend to put school, work, and career first, people second. It has worked to some extent. I have three degrees, more training than I can count, and great teaching and learning experiences. That in itself is priceless. What I don’t have is a lot of experience hanging out, mingling with people. I am alone most of the time. I decided I need to include people in the mix. I want to laugh and laughing to self can bring unwanted attention. There are events I’d like to attend, and it would be nice to go with friends. I am learning to get over any insecurities I have, such as, whether or not people can relate to me, would they be interested in what I’m doing or saying, will I bore them etcetera. I’ve gone out recently and enjoyed the experience. One thing that helps me not feel “different,” is focusing on the environment I’m in and the treasures around me. 

Depending on the company, the environment we’re in or the conversation we’re having puts my mind at ease. Laughter is always welcomed. The one thing that has always bothered me is being reminded of how different I am whether it’s culturally, racially, weight-class, or whatever it is. I try to avoid people like that. I really dislike it, because I go out with people to have a good time, not be judged or feel segregated. When that happens, I quickly tune out and leave. I like being in natural environments whether alone or with people, because it’s vast. It is what it is, and I am who I am. I am truly in my comfort zone no matter what’s being said or done by others. I am reacquainting myself with friendships, and learning to be free-spirited with people again. Here’s to the adventure.

Reflection

The sun is always near. I am still a child of Mother Earth and still learning about this journey called life. I don’t have all the answers, nor do I understand every situation. I just try to maintain, pace self, and do everything out of love. It gets harder as I get older. I try not to let life’s happenings or problems worry me. Sometimes they do. When I don’t know what to do, I just look to the sky and let the sun guide me. Then I take another step forward.

Hello May: Here's to the Adventure

There’s something I’ve been reading and learning lately during my travels. The importance of inspiration. Inspiration is around us all. From the hidden treasures we find or see, to the people we know and meet. We can also inspire those who are in our lives, or be inspired by those we do not know. It’s all part of this journey called life. My goal is to explore, laugh more, and inspire self and others. Welcome to May, a new month of happiness and adventure.

Thursday, May 1: “You are okay”

I went to the doctor to deal with the second health problem I’ve been having. The good news is I am okay. I have a follow-up appointment in three months, but so far everything looks normal. It was a sigh of relief. Afterwards, I went to the park and wrote a reflection piece. I took a picture of it so I can share it here. Shortly, after I wrote it, a flock of birds flew over me and gave me an unwanted gift. Thank goodness for hand sanitizer and a removable hoodie!

Friday, May 2: “She was great”

I went to my interview for the John D. Solomon Fellowship for Public Service at NYC Office of Emergency Management. I was interviewed by three different agencies all looking for a fellow to assist in their emergency preparedness projects. I was nervous at first, but having my mom walk with me to OEM made me feel calm. Not only she wanted to see where their building was, but the walk there was nice. It was a nice morning, sun shining bright, and the pink tree blossoms were beautiful. As we hugged, she wished me luck. Then she looked at me and said, “I am so proud of you. I know you’re going to win them over!” I thanked her. Before she walked away, she said, “You know, you just need to go on and get that doctorate Professor.” Professor is my nickname. I smiled, “Oh mom! I’m already going for the Masters.” She shook her head, “Yeah, and I know you’re going to get that doctorate, I already know. So I can really call you a professor.” As we waved goodbye, I smiled feeling a bit emotional. Even as an adult, I still appreciate having mom walk with me to work or somewhere important. As she insists on me pursuing a doctorate degree (which she has been saying since getting the bachelor’s degree), I feel moved. She believes in me, and has always done so no matter what I applied for or pursued. That means more to me than she may realize. I love her so much.

Having a selfie moment

I met some nice people at OEM, along with the interviewers, and applicants. There was breakfast served in their lounge giving us a chance to mingle. I spoke to everyone, and quickly realized I was the only native New Yorker applying for this fellowship. However, it was impressive meeting a firefighter, and grad students studying a variety of majors. It was also nice meeting some who were also pursuing their degrees online. The interviews felt more conversational than the traditional interview setup. I made some laugh, and spoke of my experience as a teacher and volunteer, particularly in hurricane Sandy relief. I was told I had “an outgoing personality,” and they liked my energy. I did feel happy. I liked everyone I met, and it felt great wearing a suit again. I love the corporate look! After finishing from one of the interviews, I overheard one of the interviewers tell his colleague, “She was great.” I walked out feeling on cloud nine.

I visited the park outside the OEM building taking pictures of the pretty trees, and sun. I reflected on the experience. I posted it on Facebook, “As I walked up the half curved path, I quietly prayed thanking God and my late grandmother for being with me. I smiled noticing the sun peek from behind the clouds. The breeze felt nice. I feel my path is now open for me to walk on. It's been a journey, one I'm grateful to continue.”  Whether I get accepted or not, I am appreciative I got this far. I am walking again, and I am pursuing my dream one step at a time. I’m humble by the blessing.

 

The weekend: Saturday, May 3

I took the train into Manhattan. This was my second train ride since surgery, but the first into the city. I was excited and happy to be taking the train again without any issues. I visited the West Village, a favorite place to visit since it is so artsy and different. I took pictures, as I always do. I believe there are hidden treasures around, sometimes it could be the most insignificant thing. One of my favorite treasures besides finding old Metrocards (I found plenty), is seeing old signs of the subway. I am fascinated by our subway system (thanks to a friend who inspired me years ago), and its history. When I see old signs, such as the one at the West 4 Street station, it makes me feel I stepped back in time. I love the art of the subway especially the old architecture. I’d love to own a piece of it, if possible. For now, I‘ll take pictures. I met a dear friend whom I always have a nice time with. It felt good just to be hanging out again. I even tried vegan cake and it was super delicious! Who knew?

Sunday, May 4: Exploring Grand Central

As a native New Yorker, there are still so many things I haven’t seen or explored. Grand Central terminal is one of them. I admire its marble architecture and now 100 year history. I encouraged my mom to come with me, and we pretended we were tourists for the day. We visited a stationary store where I got a lot of crafting ideas. Then we headed to the main concourse where the famous clock stands in the middle. We both stood looking up at the beautiful ceiling of carvings and sketches couldn’t take enough pictures! I wanted to visit Grand Central on a weekend since weekdays are very busy. I collected some maps, saw a Metro North train, and watched tourists take pictures of themselves or with family. There were people just hanging around eating, on their cell phones, or sitting on the floor. We had fun taking pictures of different parts of the terminal. I like to take funny pictures (as you can see here), and making mom laugh. Actually, anytime someone hangs out with me is guaranteed to laugh. I like to have fun.

After exploring the terminal and having yummy iced coffee at a bakery, I showed mom the MTA headquarters. I still remember when I attended their board meeting in 2012. I blogged about it here (June 2012). It was a nerve wracking yet cool experience. I hope to attend one again. Then we walked to PIX plaza where my favorite news station is, PIX 11 news. I looked to see if I saw my reporter friend and his colleagues. No one was there, but I’m glad I had a chance to see the building and imagine myself working there. That would be a dream job!

Monday, May 5: First day of class

I am officially a grad student at Concordia University. I started my class today. I feel excited and look forward to studying hard and learning a lot. My first class is MHS 500: History and Foundations of Human Services. The professor is also the director of the human services program. I am impressed. I definitely have my work cut out for me. This month has started off better than anticipated. I feel this is a transitional month for me, and so far I can feel it happening. I feel happier and more attractive. I like the positive attention I am receiving from people I know and complete strangers. I look forward to more happy days ahead.

Raindrop Thoughts

It's raining. I was rereading my recent posts on here and felt the need to write. This is a free-write, because I am allowing my thoughts to roam so it can be transcribed here. I become very reflective at night, sometimes melancholy. Tonight, I feel calm after taking a warm shower and wearing my favorite body spray. I am not thinking of anything in particular. Some people are crossing my mind, I hope they are doing okay. I hope everyone I love and care about is doing okay.

Tomorrow is April 30, the last day of my birthday month. It was a good month. I'm happy to be walking better than before, and that I had a chance to take the subway. I am getting there, one step at a time. I have been spending time sitting at a nearby plaza/park after physical therapy. It not only relaxes me, but I get lunch from my friends at the nearby food truck. The coffee is excellent! I like people watching, sometimes get lost doing so and end up daydreaming. I'm always listening to music when I do this. I think a lot in general, but lately I've been focusing on how to move forward in this recovery. I want to work again, I want to live somewhere else, and begin to socialize.

I feel May will be the month for transition. It's a gut feeling I have and I'm going with it. I believe life is changing around me little by little. I returned to reading inspirational books. One of the things I've been reading is the importance of adventure and discovering the treasures around. I feel blessed that I am seeing these treasures each day I go outside. I collect things from old Metrocards to bottle caps. I love taking pictures, but when I take pictures of flowers or the sun, it becomes a hobby. Sometimes walking in a different section of a park, or taking a new route home is a treasure because it's new. People watching is cool too. I see some interesting fashions, especially handbags that I would like to have someday. Being financially poor has its advantages, because it allows you to appreciate things more. It humbles you.

I have been thinking about the future of the Creative Corner. I may discontinue it. I'm just not sure when I will do that. In writing my book, I realize it's an extension to this blog with more details. When it's done, what will be next? I haven't made any decisions, it's only a thought. I love writing on here. I feel people are reading it, and I hope they are enjoying reading my thoughts and reflecting experiences. I know I have enjoyed expressing them here. We'll see what happens.

The raindrops have stopped, so I guess I'll stop here too. Here's to a good night. You're in my thoughts and thanks for reading.

Happy 33rd Year of Life

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I am 33 years old and I feel renewed. This month has been wonderful and full of accomplishments. I am walking better, taking the subway, and revisited the waterfront. I am also proud to mention that I am a graduate student. I am pursuing a Master’s in Human Services at Concordia University, Nebraska. I am part of their online program.  I feel proud, because it happened unexpectedly. I did not plan to go to grad school for some time and now I begin class next month. One of the things that I’ve learned is when I take a laid back approach, things seems to work in my favor. With grad school, I knew I wanted to pursue it but didn’t have a set time frame. I decided to study human services as opposed to social work, because I have many interests. I want to concentrate on a field that encompasses all of those interests which includes social work, adult education, and emergency management. I feel this is the best route for me.

I took the subway for the first time after surgery which was four months ago. I didn’t feel uncomfortable. It was a nice ride on the F train, a ride I’ve always enjoyed. I used to work in the Midwood neighborhood of Brooklyn and took that train there. Something about an elevated train ride makes me happy. I got off at Stillwell Ave, Coney Island station. I bought lunch at Dunkin Donuts and had their iced caramel latte. The guy who took my order was nice. His smile made me smile.  I didn’t mention my birthday. Maybe he already knew. I walked to the beach where a nice amount of people were out walking, or riding their bikes. I never mind that since I block all of that out and focus on the beach itself. Near the iconic parachute jump tower music plays. I think it’s coming from the tower itself. The music ranges from 80s to 90s era, and can be heard from the nearby pier and beach. The music was so good, I turned off my iPod. I sat by the pier and ate my lunch. I thanked friends on and off Facebook for the lovely birthday wishes. I watched the shoreline and felt the sun on my face. I felt at home.

I eventually made my way to the beach where I recorded a video. I expressed my happiness being 33 years old, and grateful I overcame the recent struggles I had over the past year. I then picked broken seashells and put them in a clear plastic bag. I love collecting seashells and rocks, but never have I collected broken shells. I like their jaggedness, and interesting colors. They’re good for crafting purposes as well as for display. Once I got to the shoreline, I took in deep breaths feeling the mist develop on my glasses. My lips felt salty and my eyes kept tearing from the oncoming breeze from the ocean. I sat on the sand, which felt warm, and began to reflect. I did this after taking numerous pictures of the shoreline, sun, and seagulls. Speaking of seagulls, they kept coming near me as I stared at the horizon. I feel like we have some kind of connection. They, like pigeons, tend to follow me when I’m nearby the water or at a park. I don’t mind, as long as they don’t poop on me!

I wrote down my feelings, and did a voice recording. The voice recording was the most personal, because I discussed my life when it comes to love. I’m still debating whether I want to share it publically or write about it in my book. We’ll see. I haven’t done a voice “reflection” in years. It felt good to release my feelings through voice, especially paying attention to changes in my tone as I talk about loving someone, wanting to be loved (by him or someone else), and the letting go process. As I write this, I realize just how personal that is to me. Again, we’ll see how I proceed with that. Staring at the horizon is where I get lost in thought. I don’t hear anything except the sound of the crashing waves and seagulls squealing. I recorded that too. 

The thing that hit home while reflecting is how much I desire living in a natural environment. I don’t want to travel to it anymore, but instead live in or near it. I recorded the sounds of the beach so I can listen to it when I’m not there. I don’t like my living environment. It’s the one thing that makes me very sad and something I don’t talk about often. I never liked my neighborhood and not very fond of the people who I live amongst. I have been feeling this way since 1990 when my family moved here. It’s been a long time. Going by the water, whether it’s the waterfront or the beach, it’s my escape from the foolishness I have to deal with at home (not with family). Sometimes, I cry just thinking about it. I think most people who know me feel I am happy all the time when in fact that isn’t always the case. I have my sadness, and at times feel empty inside when it comes to wanting certain things. I hide it by focusing on what makes me happy: God, school, work, helping people, writing, music, and nature. Love makes me happy especially when I love others. When it’s not reciprocated, that makes me sad. Working towards my goals and dreams is what keeps me going. If I didn’t have that, I don’t know where I would be. I think a lot when I’m by the water.

This birthday was more reflective than previous ones, because I was alone. I allowed myself to just be me.  It felt nice. Later, I saw my friend at the diner and she blessed me with a free slice of my favorite cake, strawberry shortcake. I saw my other friend at the discount store to buy some happy birthday balloons. Sadly, they only had “get well soon” balloons. I bought dinner from the Chinese takeout restaurant where I saw my other friend. I have friends everywhere! At home, I ate, had a little rum and coke, and thanked everyone for virtually sharing this day with me (I posted pictures of my travels on Facebook).

It was a nice day, and I look forward to what this new year of life will bring. Cheers!