Reflective experience, endless circumstance

The past few days have been reflective. I’ve been thinking a lot about the next steps in what I’m doing now, and what I want to do by the end of this year. I like thinking ahead, but try not to plan. I rather live for the moment.  Lately, my moments have been quiet. Some moments are filled with sadness and loneliness. I find myself alone most of the time. Part of this is a choice and part of it is not.  The sadness comes from environment, stigma, and current health problem. In other words, I’m always in pain from my hip and lower back, people stare and make me feel uncomfortable when taking mass transit, and I don’t like where I live. I wish I lived in nature, and be around people who are friendlier and less negative.

Sometimes, I feel so out of place. I don’t follow trends, I’m not skinny, and I don’t have rude characteristics. I like to smell good and dress comfortable. I like to be neat. I’m not interested in working in entertainment, finance, or fashion. I care about working in the helping profession.  I care about people. I’m not a drinker and not into the bar scene. I don’t mind having a drink or two, but not interested in getting drunk or falling off a barstool.  I’m clueless about dating here, simply because I haven’t had the experience. I feel different from most.  I think I either intimate men (well at least those I came across), or don’t fit the societal image, whatever that is.  I feel I have a different kind of pretty, the kind that would take a special person to see. The loneliness is from disappointment I have with some people in my life. When I let my guard down and open my heart, it’s taken for granted. It seems the more I do for others, the more expectations. The more expectations, the less appreciation, and the less appreciation dismissal happen. I’m tired of being dismissed. I don’t express myself to others as much as I used to, because of this reoccurrence. I pray instead.

I sit by the waterfront (or water fountain) to reflect. I have a notebook in hand and music in my ears. Sometimes, I write, sometimes I don’t. Often times, I just sit there. I pray a lot which helps because I know my words won’t go in vain. God always listens. My hope is for change to occur soon. I believe it will, and it’s something I strive for all the time. Someday I will be able to walk away from this circumstance, and regain happiness. For now, I have work to do.