Having Some Me Time

“I am appreciative to all things that happen in life, because it's those things that make me a better person.”

I've been reflecting a lot on so many things. I'm always thinking, I'm always reflecting. Between that and listening to music, as I am now, they give me solace. I work a lot too. It may not be in the traditional sense. I'm still unemployed. I haven't landed a 9 to 5 yet, but I work on other things such as this blog. I'm taking an online class on mental health, online trainings from the American Red Cross, FEMA, and the New York State Department of Health.  I've decided to write a book so I'm working on that. I try to write as much as I can for Examiner, but lately I haven't been able to get out covering news stories. I prefer to be out there gathering information for my story than simply look for it online. For me, it takes away from the story. I hope when I'm better, I get to cover more things happening in the city. I work a lot for many reasons. It allows me to be preoccupied and to focus on my dreams. It helps me ignore things that bother me, and gives me a sense of accomplishment. I love striving for something and actually reaching the goal. I love school and I love to learn.

Aside from working, I've taken on a task, one I tend to neglect. I've started working on me. Since I'm creative, I've been writing and creating things that makes me happy. I found a new hobby, photography. I love taking pictures of nature and street art. I created a mini album on Facebook of street art pictures. I hope to expand on that. I love taking pictures, because when I do it's always at random. I never think about it, I just snap away. I like captions and have fun putting certain pictures together to create a story. I need to learn how to Photoshop. I've been getting back into my childhood hobby, which is collecting rocks and seashells. I've found some cool seashells recently from Coney Island beach. I went back to journaling and expressing my innermost emotions, too deep to share here. I think a little mystery is good sometimes. I like to read but haven't been reading as much as I'd like to. I used to read romance novels like every three weeks. I stopped for some unknown reason. I miss it. I started a novel just the other day. So far, it's suspenseful and sexy! 

I'm learning not to drown myself into academia too much. It has always been my outlet to dealing with problems but I don't think it's healthy. Life is a balance, and with this pending hip problem, I have no choice but to balance myself. I'm having more "me" time and understanding my emotions better. I still keep my dreams alive. I still want to be a social worker; I still want to continue being a freelance journalist, and most of all I want to return to the ESL classroom. I know these things are possible, and as long as I believe in them, they will happen. A bestseller book would be icing on the cake! Honestly, I just want an ISBN number. I don't care if I make money off my book or not, having something published is the greatest accomplishment. I must admit, I do fantasize what my book signing would be like and who would be there. I smile at the thought.

I’m going to be all right, me, myself, and I.

An Update on the Walking Dilemma

It’s 4pm and I’m trying to stay cool in this heat wave. The AC and fan are blowing warm air, which defeats the purpose. I’m listening to my favorite band, Incognito and their song, “There will come a day.” I love this song, because it talks about how change will happen someday. I think about that for my life—change. Someday things will be different and I’ll be back to my new and improved self again.  Here’s an update on my walking dilemma.

Monday, July 15, 2013: “Hmm…this isn’t good.”

I went to see my hip specialist at the hospital. I wanted to let him know about the increasing pain I’ve been having since late May. I also mentioned the fall I had in January. As I told him, I don’t know if that plays apart in my current situation but its good that it’s noted. As he examined me, he knew how much pain I had just lifting up my left leg. Once he pressed into my left hip, there was a loud “Ouch.”  My doctor said, “Hmm, this isn’t good, too much pain. Let’s get you an X-ray.” I got the X-ray and left with not only the CD but also the slides of the X-ray. They are huge pictures of my hip. I think they’ll make a nice picture on my wall, maybe. The doctor wasn’t available to look at my X-ray, but scheduled me for a MRI next Friday. I have a follow-up appointment on July 29.

I was fine until I got on the downtown 6 train. A woman was nice enough to offer me her seat. Once I sat down trying to maneuver the large envelope of my X-ray slides, I felt worried. The playlist in my ears wasn’t helping. No song could take away the “whys” and “again,” thoughts roaming through my head. I’m not a fan of MRIs. The closed in capsule feels weird, and the loud noises from the test makes me feel nervous. This would make the fourth MRI I had in a three year period. The first one was in 2010 and the other two were in 2011. I should be used to it. I’d hoped that the last one would’ve been it. I guess I’m wrong. The biggest worry is hearing my doctor say I need another surgery. I don’t want that, because it’s painful and the recovery time (for me) is three months. The train pulled into Canal Street station and I noticed the woman, who gave me her seat, was looking at me intently. She was sitting across from me. The woman looked at me with concern. It could’ve been my face expression. I don’t do well in hiding my emotions, especially on my face. As I looked away, I looked at my cane. “Will you be a part of my life for the rest of my life? Is this my fate?” I said to myself. My stopped arrived and I got off to transfer to another train. I stopped thinking about this walking dilemma. I don’t want to think at all.

Return of the Walking Dilemma

Wonder what will become of me
Pain adds to this struggling journey
Walking has become more difficult
Unexpected hip condition is at fault
Steps taken towards future dream
Seems to fade away plaguing self-esteem
Quietly hide the doubts and insecurities
Didn’t think this would happen in my thirties
Hope someday this dilemma will go away
Returning to the hospital on Monday

"Thank You Mother Nature for Loving Me"

Water

If water could speak, what would it say? Water's current fascinates me. I try to imagine myself floating along the waves. How would it feel to travel where ever water goes? Where would I end up? Since I can't swim, I may never know. I like watching how water moves. It's a calming element that doesn't judge its surroundings. It moves how it wants, where it wants. I like that. I often go to the water when I'm trying to figure out things, people, or both. I quietly ask my questions and symbolically throw them into the water. I let go of unhappy emotions or things that caused me pain into the water. I throw some people in there too, not literally of course! When it comes to people who have hurt me, I always say this prayer when releasing them, "May they find their way and find happiness. May they live well and prosper." You may wonder why I do this. My belief is, despite what's been done I never want to wish anyone harm. There's always a chance for new beginnings. I don't want to hold on to hurt. I've done that and it only leads to bitterness.  I feel no one is worth becoming bitter over. Sometimes I cry by the water. I imagine my tears falling into the waves and my sorrows are carried away. I'm not sure where my tears land, but I do feel better once they are released. The air that comes off the water's current is rejuvenating. I like this the most. It relaxes the mind and my spirit feels free. I appreciate water and how it affects my life. It's comforting.

Sun

I love the sun. I love the way it looks, and the colorful variations it gives the sky. Sun not only provides warmth but happiness. It makes me smile. Sunsets are my favorite. The way its light bounces off the clouds and water is magnificent! Sun is my guide. At times when I'm not sure where to go in this journey called life, sun seems to direct my steps. Since I was a little girl, I looked to the sun for guidance. I used to talk to it. It provides light when my vision is clouded, and warms my heart when it feels sad. It makes my days happier. I like being under it.

I love clouds too, especially when the sun hides behind them. I feel this is me sometimes. There are moments I want to hide from the world. It doesn't mean something is necessarily wrong. I may want to hide from what's expected of me or relied on to make others happy. I can't when I'm feeling emotional or going through my own storm. The sun gets tired and hides. I believe the clouds are its pillows shielding it from the world for a moment. Sometimes I want to be shielded too. I love sun's strength. I gain strength from the sun.


Traveling observation 

One of the things I enjoy doing is traveling on a bus, or an elevated train. I like looking out the window and observe life's happenings. I focus more on nature's movement. I observe the weather and scenery taking in each moment. I enjoy this most when listening to music. I listen to songs that reflect my mood. If I'm feeling happy, I listen to house music. A sad mood, I listen to R&B or jazz. When reflective, I listen to soft rock or easy listening. This doesn't happen often, but if I'm frustrated or angry I listen to rock or something loud. Usually when riding the bus or train, I feel reflective. I think about current events in my life, maybe a goal or something I'm working on. Sometimes I daydream about people I want to meet (in my professions), or events I'd like to attend. This may sound funny, but I even think about how I'd like to look in the future. I imagine the clothes I would wear, hairstyles, makeup, and much more. I imagine being successful and living somewhere nice, preferably by the water. I think about the man I hope to meet. I read somewhere that if you want to meet your "match," simply think about him. Imagine how your man would be, and what you'd hope for in him. I like thinking about "my guy," because I know he is possible. He is simple, loving, handsome (in my eyes), ambitious, and has a heart of gold. He would be right for me and I to him. I smile thinking about "him."

 

When it rains, I like the way raindrops scatter on the window of a bus or train. It's like nature saying, "Here you go." Clouds
are interesting to look at too. The way they change within seconds is amazing. They seem to be bigger when it rains, and fluffier when the sun is out. Traveling at night is just as pretty. It's interesting to see the way car lights bounce off the dark road, or station lights  make a train station glow. I like how the sky turns into a rich blue color as night arrives. Sometimes a lonely cloud will hang around giving the sky more beauty. I get so lost observing the scenic route that I forget I have to eventually get off.

When I get to be one with nature, like on a beach, I always feel grateful. I don't live in a natural environment so I appreciate the times when I'm in one. The beach is special to me for many reasons. It makes me feel more connected to God. I feel safe and content. I thank God for loving me despite my flaws or shortcomings. Thank you Mother Nature for loving me.