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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Nighttime Reflecting (The Inner Voice Speaks)

11:25 PM

It's Tuesday night. It's quiet and I'm glad. I always enjoy the quiet time. It allows me to reflect and let my inner voice have her say. I tend to think a lot at night. Lately, I've been in a reminiscent mood. I go through old pictures of self and things I used to do. I read old emails or letters, and sometimes re-read journal posts. Since I write a lot, I always like to know what I was feeling at that time through words. I didn't call it reflecting then, but I've been reflecting all my life. I guess it's a part of me. Traditionally, I listen to a variety of music when I write. I do this to evoke or tap into any lingering emotion I may have. I always like to allow the inner voice to speak, her way. So what will she say tonight? There are so many things to express. Sometimes, I feel a blog post isn't enough to say all that I feel.

March is here which means spring is only days away. Spring is my favorite season. Next Sunday is daylight savings time. Longer days, more sun time, and hopefully warmer weather, it's great! Every month since January, I've created monthly goals to encourage self in pursuing the things I want. This month the goals are to continue working on my dream, to walk and explore in baby steps, network and build my brand, and lastly, to keep smiling. Sometimes that's hard to do when everyday feels the same. I try to make each day different by doing different things. Hip recovery this time around is a slower process, and me doing silly things like cleaning the house makes it even slower. Don't get me wrong, cleaning the house is a good thing, but not while recovering from hip surgery. I did this last Friday and now I'm paying for it big time. I wanted to feel useful. Now, I have to be on bed rest. Despite that, I am here blogging, and working on my book. 

I'm enjoying writing my story. Being able to go back during good and not so good times helps me tell my story the way I want. It also reminds me of how far I've come. I don't regret those times, because I needed that to happen in order for me to mature and learn. However, there is always that one time in life you wish you could erase. Writing that part of my story isn't easy. I have been asked why I am doing this. Honestly, writing a book is something I always wanted to do. This is for personal fulfillment. My hope is that this book, my story, will inspire or aspire people. The goal is to not just talk about me, but to share stories of hardship and triumph all in the process of reflection. It's the same goal in starting this blog. I hope sharing my experiences can be felt, and people can take something away from it. I strongly believe we are all on this journey together. Maybe my voice can be a voice for someone who cannot speak or express themselves. I am realistic, in that there may be some who read this blog or my book and think its trash. That's okay too. If one person reads anything I write, that's an accomplishment in itself. 

I have been spending a lot of time praying and thinking about how I want to live my life. I know how I want things to be career/job wise. That is never a worry or concern. God has given me direction and I no longer feel lost. It took many days at the waterfront, reflecting and sometimes crying, to listen and pay attention to what God has been trying to show me. I am grateful for the answer. I am grateful for the blessing. One of the things I want is to feel more fulfilled in my interaction with people. I want improvement in my social life. Frankly, I want a social life. I want to trust again. I want to know what it's like to receive love, the kind of love that doesn't have to be spoken about. The actions will speak for itself. I want to be appreciated for what I do for others, and have those actions reciprocated. I’m tired of being fooled to think I have a friend when he or she is really not. I’m tired of being dropped, because I can’t solve other people’s problems. I don't want the one-sided-ness anymore. I want to be happy with people who not only care about me, but know the true meaning of friendship. Someday, I want to meet my better half. It would be wonderful to have a man love me for me. It would be nice to not be the one to make the first approach, but to be approached. Every woman wants to feel wanted (men too). I don’t have a problem letting a man know I’m interested in him. I’m not shy. Loving someone comes easy for me. I can say, “I love you,” without hesitation because I truly mean it. I take love very seriously. I hope to experience that someday without false pretense. I want to experience love in its purest form.

I think about traveling a lot these days. I want to see the world. I know as a New Yorker, we pride ourselves to think we are the world. We have so much here. For me, I always felt there was more to see than just New York City. I visited other states, but never long enough to fully explore them. I want to go exploring. I want to travel abroad and live my dream in teaching ESL in another country. I will work towards that. I want to relocate. Only a few friends know my desire to leave New York City. Many of them get upset at me for feeling this way. I guess I could see it from their point of view. Why leave a place that has so much to offer? After all, we are the city that never sleeps right? This is true yet I want change. I was born and raised here. I am just now learning about my city, and finding the creative side of it. I love our waterfronts, and of course the street art. Although it's exciting to rediscover something that was once ignored, it hasn't changed my wanting to leave it. It's getting harder and harder to live here both financially and socially. I like the excitement NYC brings. However, I wonder if this lifestyle or environment is best for me. It's my home, but I feel so out of place here sometimes. This is my sad truth I suppose. 

So where do I go from here? 

For now, I have to be patient and have faith. I have to keep reflecting and stay focused on my dream. That may just be the answer. Only time will tell. 

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