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Friday, November 2, 2012

Letter to my grandma

Dear Ma-Ma,

I took a walk today. It's been a few days since that horrible hurricane named Sandy. The clouds are still thick and the air crisp. We're in November. The buses were running sporadically and fares were waived. The crowds were enormous and people are acting crazy just to get on the bus! I've never seen nothing like it. Traffic was bad too. I went to the nursing home. It looked different inside. It's darker and not as welcoming as it was when you were there. I signed up to volunteer. I had a tour of the facility. I tried to remember what room you were in. I remember when Brother and I would visit you after school and keep you company. I remember you telling Mom how much you loved us because we were your babies. The residents today looked so unhappy. Many are very ill. I remember Mom explaining to us how you didn't feel well. To me you looked the same. Your face a little smaller, but your smile still big and bright.

Walking down the hallways, seeing patients sit in wheelchairs looking uncomfortable bothered me. Watching a nurse attend to a woman, whose hair reminded me of yours, moved me. As I left walking through the double doors, the air was chilly. The clouds were blueish gray and thick. I stood there for a moment looking down the block. I could hear the loud cries from children whose dad told them their grandmother had passed. I remember falling to the ground yelling your name. I had just seen you on a Thursday. Friday you were gone. I should've known something was wrong that late afternoon when Mom didn't pick us up. I remember feeling happy giving Dad a big hug and asking to see you.

As the wind blew, my eyes began to well up. I felt your spirit there with me.

I miss you Ma-ma. I'm about to do something that's emotionally challenging. I don't know if I'll be good at being a volunteer working with seniors. I don't know if I'll be a good social worker. In the wake of this horrific storm, I feel more determined to help people. I'm more stubborn because I'm willing to risk things in order to make a difference. I guess I take after you. You was never one to back down from a challenge. I guess this is mine. I wonder what you would say to me regarding this matter. I wonder what it would be like to sit with you and just talk. At the time I wasn't old enough to drink coffee. How nice if we had a chance to drink coffee together now. I appreciate your presence today. Would you hold my hand? I am not as brave as many think I am. Sometimes I want to go back to being the little girl playing in your backyard, knowing you are there whenever I need you. As an adult Ma-ma, I feel alone. I make decisions that I don't always know if they're right. I get angry when I'm mistreated, I cry when I don't understand it. I wish you could be here to guide me along the way. Things haven't been easy as of late.

There I go with my burdens! I apologize. I'm grateful everyday I had the chance to know you, to bond with you, to love you. I miss you so much and you are always in my heart. I know you are in good hands. Heaven must be a wonderful place.

Love always,


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