Let Go, Let God

It's no secret that I've had my share of ups and downs in the past few months. Some of those things I cannot explain. I don't understand it myself. However, I do know how I like to feel. I know what I want to do. The only thing I haven't practiced enough yet is to let go and let God. When someone says, "Let go, let God," what does that mean? For starters, it means to let go of anything or anyone that is causing you discomfort in your life. The "let God" part can be interpreted in different ways. For me, it means to let God take control, giving all your worries, concerns, things you may not understand to Him.

One of the struggles I've had is knowing how to do that. I like to be in control of what I do. I'm a proud person, I think independently, and don't always ask for help. I like to take care of things on my own. The problem with this, although positive, is the stubborn behavior that follows those traits. When you always want to be in charge, it's difficult to surrender when you've lost that control. With my recent fall, I realized that always wanting to be in control has gotten the best of me. It has affected my health as a result. My problem is trying  to do everything. I have many interests and I'm inquisitive. I like to challenge myself in doing all the things I want (career wise), be successful at them all, and still have time to help others (volunteerism, friendships). I love it and strive to continue at it. Sadly, I tend to learn the hard way that I can't do that, because with gain there's loss. I lose in not enjoying myself in recreational things. I lose by not taking care of my needs. I lose by not making myself the focus. What's the solution? Let God.

For the first time in a very long time, I am not worrying about anything. I am not concerned about protocol, rules, the he says and she says, nothing. It's to the point that I don't even think about it. I still care and still strive for what I want. That will never change. However, I don't want to run the rat race. I just want to daydream. I want to meditate. I want to sing even though I can't, and dance under the sun. I want to stare at the water, and watch the boats pass by at the waterfront. I want to take pictures. I want to drink chai latte and go to Starbucks just to smell the coffee brewing. I want to walk through neighborhoods I haven't seen, and return to those I admire. I want to write on my notepad at an outside seating area and watch people interact with each other. I want to download every song I love, and create cool playlists that I'll listen to forever. I want to visit an art store, buy some paint and create a masterpiece, my masterpiece. I want to continue making things out of lanyard and re-learn how to sew. I want to smile and laugh for no reason. I want to be around people who are free-spirited and don't mind being silly. I want to have fun. What's the solution? Let go.

To let go and let God is a learning process.  I'm learning as I continue in my journey one day at a time.