December 1st: 11 Days until Surgery and My Mental Process

I remember when it was December 2011 and I was preparing (mentally) for surgery. I was

so scared and cried a lot. I just wanted to get through it. January 2012 arrived and I had the procedure done. I recuperated until March when I took my first steps outside. I anticipate the same this time around. I have a better attitude about it than I did in 2011, and look forward to getting better. I am still scared even when a part of me feels I shouldn’t. I haven’t cried, yet my nervousness has increased some. I feel a little disappointed. I have finally started to enjoy myself by going out more, and appreciating the treasures life gives us. I know this will be a minor setback, but I will miss my scavenger hunting for recycled things for my art project. I am worried about the outcome. Hip replacement is always in the back of my mind. When that happens, I focus on my future endeavors. I focus on what I will create from all the things received and collected. Music and daydreaming helps too.

November was a nice month. Thanksgiving was nice too. A simple dinner from my mom, laughter from bro, and receiving free cardboard boxes from a local store, made the day nice. Simple pleasures are priceless! I already started painting and making a mess with glitter. That is the best part. I still love browsing the internet and watching YouTube. It has great how-to videos. Online webinars and classes continue to cross my email. I take note of them. Graduate school program offers cross my email too. I take note of that as well. I admit I miss school. It’s my comfort in many ways. I promised to give myself a break from academia and allow self to have fun, creatively. New Year 2014 is just around the corner; one never knows what the year will bring. I smile at the thought. I look forward to the New Year, because I have so many things I want to do and finish doing, such as my book. I didn’t reach the 50,000-word mark for National Novel Writing Month, but I did reach 25,178 words. Reaching that amount is a milestone in itself and I am proud. I will continue working on my book and pursue publication.  I also want 2014 to be the year I find employment, a new home, and love. Again, the possibilities are endless.

Peace and reflection are two things that I hold dear to my heart, my being. With so many tragedies happening so frequently, I am grateful to be here. No one is except from dying, and I know I am no different. I live in an area where just recently two people lost their lives steps away from my home. There is a lot of sadness, anger, frustration, killings, death, and disbelief. I feel humanity has taken a back seat and evil has revealed itself fully and completely. I still believe this world is beautiful, but it has its flaws. We have flaws. The important thing is to focus on the positive things life has to offer. I finally see that now. I am not fussy, nor do I look for perfection. I accept people as they are even if I don’t agree with their actions. I apologize when I’m wrong, and walk away when I am wronged. I focus on helping people in an effort to make a difference in the world. I believe I have and will continue to do so even if I’m standing alone. I am not afraid of standing alone anymore. Sometimes that is necessary. Life is so short. I want to live life to the fullest and be happy. Happiness creates change, and change creates newness. Peace with self is everything. I don’t look for acceptance, because I accept me. I don’t care if I am disliked, talked about, or criticized. I am a simple woman who loves to love, smile, and be creative. I make no apologies for that.

Tomorrow is my pre-operation doctor's appointment. The countdown continues. Here's to a good week.