Another Surgery and Reflecting by the Seashore

I wasn’t going to write tonight. I haven’t been up to expressing how I feel, especially as of late. With the exception of writing in my journal, I feel lost for words. I don’t want to sound melancholy, even though that’s how I feel.  I guess the only way to write is to write. I will let my words do the talking.

Hip surgery again :(

I went back to my hip doctor on Monday for a follow up. We had a nice conversation. He examined me as usual and like me, concerned by the amount of pain I still have. I’ve been exercising, did the injections, always taking painkillers, and of course had surgery. He sent me to get X-rays despite showing him pictures of the X-rays I got on October 1. After the X-rays, my doctor said in a low voice, “We’re going to go forward with surgery and hope it will relieve the pain. It’s either that or hip replacement. You’re too young for that.” I agree and honestly don’t want hip replacement. The thought scares me. I simply said okay and “let’s get this over with so I can live again.”

I’m scheduled for December 12.

Save a life

I took a CPR class last Friday with the American Red Cross. It was a lot of fun and challenging for both my hip and performing CPR. I’m lucky I had a nice partner who’s been volunteering with the Red Cross for years. The instructors were great. I especially liked practicing CPR on the mannequin, and using the Automated External Defibrillator (AED). I had to stand doing it, since kneeling was harder than I thought. I also learned how to help someone who is choking by applying abdominal thrusts and back blows. I am now certified in CPR.  I will be receiving my certification in the mail shortly. I’m very proud of this, because I’ve always wanted to learn CPR. Maybe I’ll save a life someday.

Reflecting by the seashore 

I went to Coney Island on Saturday to reflect. I also went to observe how it is since this is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Sandy. It was very breezy, but happy the sun was out. There weren’t many people out. The beach was practically empty. I was alone. I’m glad, because it gave me a chance to pray aloud and be close to the shoreline. The waves were crashing hard against the rocks, and suds from the water kept hitting my glasses. I didn’t care. I released all my frustrations into the water. I prayed for self, family, friends, and the world. At moments, I felt angry because I don’t like the way things are going in my life. Then I felt sad for not having a better support group of people I could express myself to, and not being able to trust the process. I’m sad that I find myself standing in the same place, feeling the same way, alone. I remembered how I prayed for love at this shoreline a year ago (before the hurricane), and the year before that. Yet, I’m still standing alone. I feel disappointed by so much that it’s sometimes hard to write it down. Maybe I don’t want to be reminded of it. Now, there’s a second surgery that is needed for me to “get well,” when in fact I will never be fully healed. Am I ready for this process again? I pray for healing. I pray for healing of my hip, my heart, my mind, and my spirit. 

As I prayed this aloud, the waves became more forceful. The wind was blowing so hard that I began to cry. I saw white rose petals blowing near me. When I looked over, I saw long stemmed white roses bunched together near the rocks. “A memorial perhaps,” I thought to myself. They were beautiful. When I die, I hope someone will place roses (or sunflowers) by the shoreline in my memory. I stood watching the petals float around in mid-air and in the water. Out of respect, I didn’t touch them. Whoever left those roses had a specific purpose. I just watched nature take its course. I walked away and saw a congregation of seagulls flocking around further down the shoreline. For some reason, I smiled. Those birds fascinate me!

Walking back towards the boardwalk, I couldn’t help but pick up seashells and a rock that looked interesting. I’ve been collecting rocks and seashells since I was a little girl. I haven’t collected as much in years, but the thrill hasn’t left me. I guess some things don’t change. While dusting off the rock and seashells, I didn’t feel so alone anymore.  I walked along the newly built pier that was destroyed last year from Sandy. How nice it looks! The winds were really picking up so I couldn’t sit down for long. The sun was so bright and close. I felt as if I could reach out and touch it. I walked down the pier until the end. No one was around and I stood by the railing admiring the sun. The light reflecting off the water was beautiful. I began thinking about those I care about, those I love very much. I didn’t want to leave, but it got cold and I wasn’t dressed for it.  I walked away feeling disappointed.

I wanted to stay a little bit longer.

 

Time Separation

The clouds begin to thicken as the wind blows across my face

He walks down the empty road at fast pace

Suddenly everything moves in slow motion

I no longer hear the surrounding commotion

Except for the beating of my heart

Knowing that time has again pulled us apart

Everything Will Be Okay

I’ve been telling myself that everything will be okay for the past few days. I haven’t been feeling my best, and had to make some tough decisions. As a believer, I learned that sometimes God would put one in a difficult situation just to see how he or she deals with it. It’s as with every storm, it eventually passes. I think mine is starting to pass. I always write, “The sun is always near” for a reason. I do believe the sun is always around. It’s October, it’s the fall season, and the temperatures have been lovely. The sun is out and I smile.

New chapter

I decided not to attend graduate school. This was a difficult decision. I still want a Master’s degree, I still love social work, and I still want to help people. However, financially I cannot afford it. Health wise, I am not sure what the near future will look like for me. I am not ready to tackle such a huge responsibility. I love to learn, and will continue to do so on my own time. Recently, I discovered that with my 3 degrees, along with certifications, I could do what I want. Helping people is universal so I have no doubt I will be doing this for the rest of my life.  Career wise, I have many options I didn’t know I had. I will teach again. I am confident in knowing this, because of something I started years ago. Sometimes going back to old to do lists makes a difference. I have the tools to make my dream a reality. As for social work, I know I cannot claim the title “social worker,” without a degree in it. However, I have a degree in human services, another in liberal arts, and English. I’m going to be fine. Lastly, I am a volunteer with several organizations. I love to volunteer, and will continue to do more for the community.

The power of prayer is real.

I will see my hip doctor at the end of this month. I already know what to expect. I am ready for whatever, because I have so much to look forward to and accomplish. I don’t want anything to slow me down. Employment search is an on-going process. I know I am not alone in this prospect. I am confident I will be working again, especially when I’m physically better. Writing is also an on-going process. I don’t think I’ll ever stop writing. When I am not writing on here, I’m working on my book. I write in my journal as well. Maybe I’ll add some things from there in the book, never know!

Love

I am grateful to the people in my life that makes my days even brighter. I am grateful to the readers of this blog, because without you there would be no Dara’s Creative Corner. I promise to continue to aspire, inspire, and make a difference in this world one day at a time. There are no limits to what you want to do. Life is truly, what you make of it. I see that now and look forward to what’s to come!

Pebble

Someday wind will carry pebble away

Like sand from a dune on a windy day

Traveling to new and exciting places

Be greeted by colorful surfaces

Change of scenery welcomes small stone

No longer afraid of being alone

Hope and Motivation

“You need to be the voice for so many of us who are in need. This is your calling it is embedded in you. Follow your dream.”--Dad

My dad visited mom and I yesterday. I was quiet since I wasn’t feeling my best. I am always happy to see my dad, but felt bad I didn’t offer much conversation.  As mom and dad talked, I sat on the couch listening when the topic of motivation came up. I asked dad how one stays motivated when things aren’t going right. He simply said, “You take it one day at a time. You don’t focus on what’s bothering you, but stay occupied.” I brought up how I’ve been feeling regarding a possible second hip surgery, being out of work, graduate school, boredom, and me. I admit it is a lot to say in one breath, and even harder to analyze it all. For a moment, dad nodded his head and didn’t say anything. Mom said that I worry too much and need to let things take its course. Dad took a deep breath and said, “Well…” I knew he was going to saying something that will either make me feel confident or leave me wondering for answers.

“You need to go for your dream. I see it—you are meant to help people and be their voice. You need to be the voice for so many of us who are in need. You need to be their representative and be the change that is so desperately needed. It is embedded in you. Follow your dream. Don’t let this setback stop you from moving forward.”

I smiled. He went on to say that, he commends me for going for a second opinion about my hip and taking steps to getting better. However, he wonders if surgery is necessary. He doesn’t want me to have another one. 

I went to Brooklyn Hospital on Tuesday to see the orthopedic doctor for a second opinion. I had an X-ray done and an evaluation on my condition. The X-ray showed more than I anticipated. Sadly, it’s not just a labral tear in the hip (which was the cause of having surgery), but my bone is problematic. I have what is called Degenerative Arthritis of the Hip. It has gotten worse since my first MRI and there is no cure for it. The doctor told me that he doesn’t specialize in the surgery I had, hip arthroscopy, but did see that I had arthritis. The bone is not in place and as a result causes problems in walking, sitting, and standing. Since this is more pronounced than before the surgery, it is likely it will worsen over time. The concern is I may need hip replacement if the bone becomes worse, breaks, or more tearing occurs. Surgery will help, but it won’t completely stop the arthritis or the pain. I like the way he explained everything to me. I’m glad I read up on my condition. I was able to understand the medical terminology the doctor said. I made an appointment with my main doctor to discuss my options, but I have a feeling he is going to push for surgery since the hip injection I had in August didn’t work and now my bone is causing problems.

What a mess!

“I just want peace, that’s all.”--Me

I have been meditating a lot, reading, and trying not to think about anything. I know what I want to do in life. I know my passion. I know what I’ll be up against, both career-wise and health-wise. I am stubborn and don’t give up easily.

I have to do what I need to do. Stay tuned.