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Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Another Surgery and Reflecting by the Seashore

I wasn’t going to write tonight. I haven’t been up to expressing how I feel, especially as of late. With the exception of writing in my journal, I feel lost for words. I don’t want to sound melancholy, even though that’s how I feel.  I guess the only way to write is to write. I will let my words do the talking.

Hip surgery again :(

I went back to my hip doctor on Monday for a follow up. We had a nice conversation. He examined me as usual and like me, concerned by the amount of pain I still have. I’ve been exercising, did the injections, always taking painkillers, and of course had surgery. He sent me to get X-rays despite showing him pictures of the X-rays I got on October 1. After the X-rays, my doctor said in a low voice, “We’re going to go forward with surgery and hope it will relieve the pain. It’s either that or hip replacement. You’re too young for that.” I agree and honestly don’t want hip replacement. The thought scares me. I simply said okay and “let’s get this over with so I can live again.”

I’m scheduled for December 12.

Save a life

I took a CPR class last Friday with the American Red Cross. It was a lot of fun and challenging for both my hip and performing CPR. I’m lucky I had a nice partner who’s been volunteering with the Red Cross for years. The instructors were great. I especially liked practicing CPR on the mannequin, and using the Automated External Defibrillator (AED). I had to stand doing it, since kneeling was harder than I thought. I also learned how to help someone who is choking by applying abdominal thrusts and back blows. I am now certified in CPR.  I will be receiving my certification in the mail shortly. I’m very proud of this, because I’ve always wanted to learn CPR. Maybe I’ll save a life someday.

Reflecting by the seashore 

I went to Coney Island on Saturday to reflect. I also went to observe how it is since this is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Sandy. It was very breezy, but happy the sun was out. There weren’t many people out. The beach was practically empty. I was alone. I’m glad, because it gave me a chance to pray aloud and be close to the shoreline. The waves were crashing hard against the rocks, and suds from the water kept hitting my glasses. I didn’t care. I released all my frustrations into the water. I prayed for self, family, friends, and the world. At moments, I felt angry because I don’t like the way things are going in my life. Then I felt sad for not having a better support group of people I could express myself to, and not being able to trust the process. I’m sad that I find myself standing in the same place, feeling the same way, alone. I remembered how I prayed for love at this shoreline a year ago (before the hurricane), and the year before that. Yet, I’m still standing alone. I feel disappointed by so much that it’s sometimes hard to write it down. Maybe I don’t want to be reminded of it. Now, there’s a second surgery that is needed for me to “get well,” when in fact I will never be fully healed. Am I ready for this process again? I pray for healing. I pray for healing of my hip, my heart, my mind, and my spirit. 

As I prayed this aloud, the waves became more forceful. The wind was blowing so hard that I began to cry. I saw white rose petals blowing near me. When I looked over, I saw long stemmed white roses bunched together near the rocks. “A memorial perhaps,” I thought to myself. They were beautiful. When I die, I hope someone will place roses (or sunflowers) by the shoreline in my memory. I stood watching the petals float around in mid-air and in the water. Out of respect, I didn’t touch them. Whoever left those roses had a specific purpose. I just watched nature take its course. I walked away and saw a congregation of seagulls flocking around further down the shoreline. For some reason, I smiled. Those birds fascinate me!

Walking back towards the boardwalk, I couldn’t help but pick up seashells and a rock that looked interesting. I’ve been collecting rocks and seashells since I was a little girl. I haven’t collected as much in years, but the thrill hasn’t left me. I guess some things don’t change. While dusting off the rock and seashells, I didn’t feel so alone anymore.  I walked along the newly built pier that was destroyed last year from Sandy. How nice it looks! The winds were really picking up so I couldn’t sit down for long. The sun was so bright and close. I felt as if I could reach out and touch it. I walked down the pier until the end. No one was around and I stood by the railing admiring the sun. The light reflecting off the water was beautiful. I began thinking about those I care about, those I love very much. I didn’t want to leave, but it got cold and I wasn’t dressed for it.  I walked away feeling disappointed.

I wanted to stay a little bit longer.


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