It's been a while since I updated you on the Creative Corner. So where should I begin? The good or the bad? The improvements made or the mistakes? I'll sum it up this way, I no longer care of what I cannot control. I just have to live my life as I see fit. I have many wants and wishes. I once had expectations of how I wanted things. How nice it would be to know I matter. How nice it would be to be somewhere I could truly feel content and happy. How nice, how nice. I won't make this post into a venting showcase. Instead, I'll just speak from the heart. The true me that many will never see, because they're caught up in what they perceive me to be. I wish them luck in reading this.
The cane returns
As some of you may know, I have a hip condition. I had surgery last January. It's only until recently that the same symptoms I had before surgery have now returned. At first, I didn't think much of it but when I realized I couldn't stand up straight, I knew something was wrong. I began using my cane last week. Surprisingly, walking with it didn't bother me. In fact, I feel relieved to have something to help keep my balance. I'm not looking forward to the stigma that comes with it, or the questions of "what happened to you," or "again?" My response to that, "As long as I can walk, that's all that matters." I will see my hip specialist if this continues. I just pray it's nothing serious.
Keeping busy in my own little way
I'm still looking for employment. The sad part is there are not many, if any, jobs in ESL teaching. The budget cuts really hit us hard in New York City. It's difficult to even find part-time work. So I've been taking the advice I used to give my students; use your transferable skills when applying for employment. I've been applying to administrative positions, writing/journalism gigs, and even some retail (even though I don't have any real experience). I haven't gotten any responses yet, but I'm keeping a positive attitude. I'm still volunteering and taking free trainings (in-person and online). I love to learn, and would still do this even if I was working. I'm such a school-minded person!
It's usually hard for me to fully express how I feel to others, especially things that really bother me. Lately, I let my guard down and started talking. I've met up with some friends to share how I've been feeling. It hasn't been easy and I won't pretend otherwise. It's always nice to have someone there to listen, and care enough to be of support. I appreciate the non-judgmental, "you just need to..." or " why don't you have..." type of responses. Sometimes I just wanna lose myself and yell, "Hey! Who are you to tell me what I should and should not do? Who died and made you God?" We all have insecurities and no one is perfect. Why are my flaws the subject of your universe? And I'll say this, me being single isn't a choice and having a man doesn't complete me. I want a relationship like the next, but is it my fault I'm not being approached? Is it my fault that the men I love don't love me back? I don't believe in chase, and definitely don't want to get hurt again. So yes, I am careful and have to be my own protector. If that makes me square, then so be it. There I said it.
Although I am a nice, considerate, and always-there-for-others type of person, I have my frustrations too. I get angry, I hurt, and I cry. Sometimes I curse too. I take friendship very seriously, and it's hard when those around you may not feel the same. A simple, "How are you?" can make such a difference. The only step I can now take is keeping distance, and value those who do care. Those who don't, I simply leave alone. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to ask how I am. To those who do listen without judgement, who cry with me, or let me yell, cuss and fuss, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I promise to continue being true to self and to let go of any burdens that plague my soul. I will continue being me, and loving this world and the people in it. I will not tolerate disrespect or behavior from anyone that's out to hurt me. As a believer in Christ, I would rather stand alone with God than to have an entourage with an empty soul. I choose to be happy.