Reflective experience, endless circumstance

The past few days have been reflective. I’ve been thinking a lot about the next steps in what I’m doing now, and what I want to do by the end of this year. I like thinking ahead, but try not to plan. I rather live for the moment.  Lately, my moments have been quiet. Some moments are filled with sadness and loneliness. I find myself alone most of the time. Part of this is a choice and part of it is not.  The sadness comes from environment, stigma, and current health problem. In other words, I’m always in pain from my hip and lower back, people stare and make me feel uncomfortable when taking mass transit, and I don’t like where I live. I wish I lived in nature, and be around people who are friendlier and less negative.

Sometimes, I feel so out of place. I don’t follow trends, I’m not skinny, and I don’t have rude characteristics. I like to smell good and dress comfortable. I like to be neat. I’m not interested in working in entertainment, finance, or fashion. I care about working in the helping profession.  I care about people. I’m not a drinker and not into the bar scene. I don’t mind having a drink or two, but not interested in getting drunk or falling off a barstool.  I’m clueless about dating here, simply because I haven’t had the experience. I feel different from most.  I think I either intimate men (well at least those I came across), or don’t fit the societal image, whatever that is.  I feel I have a different kind of pretty, the kind that would take a special person to see. The loneliness is from disappointment I have with some people in my life. When I let my guard down and open my heart, it’s taken for granted. It seems the more I do for others, the more expectations. The more expectations, the less appreciation, and the less appreciation dismissal happen. I’m tired of being dismissed. I don’t express myself to others as much as I used to, because of this reoccurrence. I pray instead.

I sit by the waterfront (or water fountain) to reflect. I have a notebook in hand and music in my ears. Sometimes, I write, sometimes I don’t. Often times, I just sit there. I pray a lot which helps because I know my words won’t go in vain. God always listens. My hope is for change to occur soon. I believe it will, and it’s something I strive for all the time. Someday I will be able to walk away from this circumstance, and regain happiness. For now, I have work to do.

Random Sunny Day

Just a random sunny day

Looking out at the water’s bay

Hear trains go by on the bridge

Squeaking sound makes the body cringe

Tourists gather around taking pictures

Pointing to each landmark asking questions

A married couple stands with their photographer

Hoping this will be their happily ever after

Boats of every size and type pass by

Man walks on cell phone saying hi

Across the water, a city busy as usual

Wonder where you are in that bubble

A song plays as you enter the mind

Wishing the world treats you kind

Imagine your everyday hustle and bustle

The daily routine, uncompromising cycle

Curious how you maintain that stoic stance

When every day presents a new circumstance

Worry when quiet, sad when not around

Reflect in silence, tears hit the ground

Love smiles, love hurts in the distance

Aware of this realistic imbalance

Friendship holds dear to the heart

Never wanting it to fall apart

Continue to stand by the water’s bay

On this random sunny day

Still think of you and pray

Always hoping that you are okay

Shredding the Before to Meet the After

It is good to do some reorganizing and cleaning

Remembering the moments, revisit that feeling

The long hours spent to earn each piece of paper

Uncontainable nervousness when arriving in Denver

Three weeks of stares and uncontrollable tears

Arriving back to New York with all new fears

Court reporter job leads to a Queens school

Advised to drop out, left feeling like a fool

Miserable at new Brooklyn college but determined

Graduating forgetting about what had happened

Years of regret, redeeming self from the before

Finding new interests in a college brochure

Proudly serving as an AmeriCorps member

Moving on to part-time ESL teacher

A bachelor’s meant full-time for me

Returned to school for a second degree

Found newsletters with pictures of a smile

My smile, each experience was worthwhile

Shredding old bills came across an old pay-stub

Remembering the co-worker meets at local pub

Old letters of recommendation from previous bosses

Certifications later, still advocate for several causes

Filing away the past into several folders

They are the quiet storytellers

Preparing for the next chapter

Making room for the now and after

The Book Project

The time has come that I write a book. I am excited by this new project, because it’s been a dream of mine to have something published. I’ve already began the process of writing things I may or may not put into my book. I did some revisions and organizing. Yet, I’m left with the question, what kind of book am I writing? I think this is the hardest part of the book writing process. I have all these ideas and thoughts I want to share with the world. Except there’s one concern, will people be interested in what I have to say? What can I write about that will be of interest to the consumer. Gosh, I sound like a salesperson! I’ve been researching on the book writing business, and found that writers must be concerned in what people want to read. The target audience is very important. The subject matter is important as well as presentation.

Okay, I have my work cut out for me.

I’ve been writing for years and have pages of stuff. I am not sure if that “stuff,” is going to make someone pick up my book and buy it. I should note that I am not writing a book to make money. This is more for personal fulfillment. It would look great on a resume to say I’m a published author. Oh the thought makes me happy. However, I still want to give it my best just in case my book can actually sell itself. I still have my homework to do. I am just excited to be tackling something I’ve put off for years because of fear. I no longer fear rejection or criticism. I am ready to have my thoughts read.

The YouTube experience

I like YouTube. I like it for the instructional videos they have to offer. It’s been a helpful tool for me lately on a variety of levels. I appreciate the experts willing to share their experiences and how-to techniques in doing a variety of things. I spend a lot of time self-learning on my careers, ESL teaching and social work. I even do this for journalism. However, I haven’t done this for writing until now. Like any interest, I don’t mind exploring it further. I am motivated by self-learning. There are many great resources out there to pursue writing as a career, or in writing a book. In a few days, I’ve learned more about the writing business than taking a college course. YouTube is all right with me.

Blank page, many questions

This question is for the writers out there. Have you ever turned on your computer, open up Microsoft Word to a blank document, excited to jot down your great ideas and nothing happens? If so, don’t feel bad. I’ve had those moments too, too many times to count. Another question I’d like to ask a writer is, how do you sort through all your writings and decide what you want to use in your book? This is my challenge. One-step I’ve taken is creating an outline and weekly to do lists. This helps keep me motivated and organized. I know I could write about anything and post a hundred million blog postings, but would that make people want to read my work? Probably not. So here is challenge number two, what genre will I focus on? That is a work in progress. Thankfully, I gain inspiration from many things. I’ll figure this out one day at a time.

Here’s to more writing, hard work, perseverance, and personal satisfaction.

My Candid Truth and Silent Voice

I realized I haven’t written on here for a few weeks. My health is to blame, along with endless doctor appointments.  I created two videos on YouTube about this issue, but wanted to express it in written form.

My candid truth

What do you do when you’ve done all you could? Cry. Get angry. Sit in silence. My body is having its own party, which I didn’t know about. It’s a real pain in the backside! There are many theories as to why I am having so much pain, especially in my hip and lower parts of my body. I could blame it on the fall I had in January where I fractured my elbow. I could blame it on weight or lack of exercise. I will take responsibility for that one. Otherwise, I am not sure. The worst part of this experience is not being able to sit or stand for a long period (or in my case short period) of time. I’ve taken the “don’t take things for granted” saying more seriously.

The other worst part of this experience is what it does to you both mentally and emotionally. The constant worry of “what ifs” can drive one crazy. Wonder if this “condition” will worsen over time or otherwise. The feeling of disappointment saturates the soul. It makes you feel like you’re not moving forward the way you want. In three years, I’ve been at more doctors’ offices than I can count. I’ve endured bad attitudes, bad service, little answers, countless exams, and surgically tampered with. That’s a lot. Not to mention feeling the same way I did before this fiasco happened. This has also been a lonely experience. It’s sad and I don’t like saying this, but when one gets sick (some), people stay away. I feel like that, because (some) people only know me when I’m well. When I’m not, it’s a different story. I feel forgotten about, especially to those I’ve been there for in their time of need. Sometimes it feels unfair. In the past, this used to bother me. Now, I don’t care. I’ve become accustomed to being alone so it’s okay. I appreciate those folks who check in on me every day (you know who you are), or send encouraging messages. It means a lot.  The so-called “You know I care about you” types can just keep telling themselves that. There’s no need to be so transparent.  

The silent voice

 

My actions help speak for how I feel. Writing is one of them. I admit I don’t always like to express myself. In situations like my health woes, I don’t like to speak on it often. This is because I don’t want pity or comments about my weight. Since weight is usually the “cause” for my troubles, from what I’m told, I don’t like to be put on a platform of criticism and jokes. When that happens, I just want to yell, “Yeah, I’m fat, so what! Have you looked in the mirror lately? Don’t throw stones unless you live in a glass house!”  Silence prevents me from responding like that or worse. In fact, it keeps things in perspective since I try to understand where people are coming from. I still don’t like the criticism or fat jokes.

I’ve taken some time to reflect and be more creative. I focus more on my happiness and well-being. I love art and enjoy tapping into my artistic side. Creating funny pictures and captions is my own entertainment. Shooting videos of me talking about life’s happenings, or random things I see is also fun. I love the apps cell phones have nowadays. It definitely allows a person’s creativity soar; it does for me. Taking walks and listening to music is and has always been a favorite of mine. I gain inspiration from what I hear, see, smell, and feel. I’m inspired by other people’s creativity, and sometimes personality. I’m lucky to be inspired by someone who is not only creative, but encourages me to stay creative. Although my voice is quiet, my mind never takes a break. There’s always something new to experience, something new to do. I’m excited by this newfound attitude. I believe my creativity will take me to new heights and be my new voice.

 

My Candid Truth 7-23-13: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnTZHdEkzn8

The Latest on My Latest 8-5-13: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xY-XfBV9gyY