I realized I haven’t written on here for a few weeks. My health is to blame, along with endless doctor appointments. I created two videos on YouTube about this issue, but wanted to express it in written form.
My candid truth
What do you do when you’ve done all you could? Cry. Get angry. Sit in silence. My body is having its own party, which I didn’t know about. It’s a real pain in the backside! There are many theories as to why I am having so much pain, especially in my hip and lower parts of my body. I could blame it on the fall I had in January where I fractured my elbow. I could blame it on weight or lack of exercise. I will take responsibility for that one. Otherwise, I am not sure. The worst part of this experience is not being able to sit or stand for a long period (or in my case short period) of time. I’ve taken the “don’t take things for granted” saying more seriously.
The other worst part of this experience is what it does to you both mentally and emotionally. The constant worry of “what ifs” can drive one crazy. Wonder if this “condition” will worsen over time or otherwise. The feeling of disappointment saturates the soul. It makes you feel like you’re not moving forward the way you want. In three years, I’ve been at more doctors’ offices than I can count. I’ve endured bad attitudes, bad service, little answers, countless exams, and surgically tampered with. That’s a lot. Not to mention feeling the same way I did before this fiasco happened. This has also been a lonely experience. It’s sad and I don’t like saying this, but when one gets sick (some), people stay away. I feel like that, because (some) people only know me when I’m well. When I’m not, it’s a different story. I feel forgotten about, especially to those I’ve been there for in their time of need. Sometimes it feels unfair. In the past, this used to bother me. Now, I don’t care. I’ve become accustomed to being alone so it’s okay. I appreciate those folks who check in on me every day (you know who you are), or send encouraging messages. It means a lot. The so-called “You know I care about you” types can just keep telling themselves that. There’s no need to be so transparent.
The silent voice
My actions help speak for how I feel. Writing is one of them. I admit I don’t always like to express myself. In situations like my health woes, I don’t like to speak on it often. This is because I don’t want pity or comments about my weight. Since weight is usually the “cause” for my troubles, from what I’m told, I don’t like to be put on a platform of criticism and jokes. When that happens, I just want to yell, “Yeah, I’m fat, so what! Have you looked in the mirror lately? Don’t throw stones unless you live in a glass house!” Silence prevents me from responding like that or worse. In fact, it keeps things in perspective since I try to understand where people are coming from. I still don’t like the criticism or fat jokes.
My Candid Truth 7-23-13: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnTZHdEkzn8
The Latest on My Latest 8-5-13: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xY-XfBV9gyY