The Bedroom

The night is still on a July Thursday

Trying to write with not much to say

Channel NYC drive is on the TV

Traffic and city lights glow from what I can see

Fascinated by smoke from the burning incense

Creating shapes moving around in the distance

A room that’s filled with past, present, and color

Each aspect having its own traveler

Changing pace as time goes

Emotions left behind while the room froze

Locking in every memory and experience

Holding on to purpose and its unique essence

The incense can no longer burn

Another moment must take its turn

Remember the smoky fragrance

Still lingering in my absence

A Seat at the View

Light raindrops fall onto the notebook

Blue ink smears the recycled brown paper

The words run off the page

Perhaps they already served their purpose

The rain becomes steady

Notebook is put away

The metal table becomes wet

The umbrella remains in my bag

Raindrops fall on my brows, down my eyes and cheeks

I don’t care

The water’s current moves the same

As a man walks to the corner of the pier’s railing

He begins taking pictures of the Brooklyn Bridge

He is unmoved by the steady rain

I am moved by his actions

Glasses become slightly foggy

The man leaves

The raindrops stop falling

Clouds move aside, the sky opens

Sun peeks out

The bridge becomes a shadow in the distance

And I remain sitting there

Pages

Standing by the water’s edge

Quietly making a silent pledge

Letting go of past afflictions

Looking to see my own reflection

The current moves in my direction

Take a step forward without caution

Dip feet into the shallow water

My mind goes into a blur

Suds gathers the ankles

Creating mini circles

Take in a deep breath

Desire life more than death

Stand still for a moment

Element poses no judgment

Clouds take in my thoughts

Nearby seagulls walk like robots

Walk back onto the shoreline

It’s a little past nine

The fresh morning breeze

Puts my mind at ease

 Sit down on the soft sand

With pen and notebook in hand

Jot down my inner emotions

And unresolved burdens

Wind picks up suddenly

Continue to write freely

Blowing through the many pages

Seeing self in different stages

Contemplate what’s next for me

As an overcast approaches the sea

Listen to the ocean speak

My hand becomes weak

Light rain begins to fall

Feeling ever so small

Alone and unaware

That God was always there

Summer moods

This has been a reflective summer thus far. The transition continues, teaching me something new each day. I've been quiet on this journey called life. I haven't talked to too many people, nor have I posted much on social media. For the first time, my mind and heart won't allow me to express myself. I feel many things yet I can't seem to find the words. Maybe I am not supposed to. I spend most of my days either home working on school work, which by the way is going very well. I passed my first class, Intro to Human Services with an A, and I’m now in week 3 of my second semester/class, Intercultural Communication. I got an A on my first paper. I am proud of these accomplishments, because I didn't anticipate doing this well in grad school. I am enjoying this process and what I'm learning. When I'm not doing school work, I am crafting. I still love to collect stuff, recycle, and recreate them into something new. Since I love the beach, I am trying to bring the beach home by creating beach-themed decorative art. 

I took a mini hiatus from Facebook and the response was surprising. Many wondered what happened to me. I am honored by their concerns, but taken back by the amount of response received while away. I left because I needed to and still need to focus on me. I am always there for everyone, but rarely there for self. Also, I haven't been feeling my best about some things. Since my mind and heart isn't allowing me to share, I pray instead. I write also. The more I write, the better I feel releasing my feelings and thoughts. Carrying a notebook everywhere I go has become routine for me.

I went to Coney Island beach to reflect. I love going to the beach. I picked seashells, collected some sand (I plan to use it for a crafting project), wrote, videotaped the shoreline, and did a voice recording. I plan to transcribe all my voice recordings to add them to my book. The video recordings of the water is for my own relaxation. I’ve made several videos of the water’s current both at the beach and waterfronts. Anytime I feel I need an escape, I play back the videos. Listening to the water’s current is soothing. At the beach, I had a chance to walk into the water (ankle deep) without my cane. This was a gift to self, entering the water freely without any assistance. It’s been a long time I could do that since my hip surgeries. I always listen to music when I’m at the water reflecting. That day I listened to a cassette tape I made 10+ years ago of house music. It’s special to me, because I used to listen to it a lot when I would visit Rockaway beach by myself. I traveled a lot by myself in the early 2000s. The music helped me not to feel nervous and instead liberated. Listening to it that day felt liberating!

I spend a lot of my days at the waterfront at Brooklyn Bridge Park. I enjoy sitting or standing watching the water’s current, and the boats that pass by. I like listening to music and daydream. Most of the time I just think about anything and everything. I pray as well as reflect on self. I try to understand my emotions more. Loneliness is something I struggle with most of the time. I despise it. Even at the waterfront I feel alone. Most of the time I don’t mind it, but there are those times when it bothers me. It’s not being alone that bothers me, it’s not having anyone to share the time with together. When I say “anyone,” more specifically I mean a man that I am dating or in a relationship. I could invite people to the waterfront with me, yet I tend not to because it’s my special place. It is my escape from reality. It’s not the whole park that I am attached to, only a section of it.

I have finally reached the “Why am I still single,” stage. I’ve heard people go through it in different ways. It’s the stage when (it seems) everyone around you is either married, dating, or in a relationship. I dreaded this stage to find me. I don’t like talking about it. In my many attempts in talking to people about it, I tend to get the generic “It will happen for you someday,” or having to hear how blissful their relationship is with whomever. The “one day you will be lucky to find someone like my so and so” comment is something I don’t want to hear. I rather just be with my own so and so.  I am always happy for those who found their love. Unfortunately, I can’t express it now especially when I am feeling so alone, and sad about being single at 33. It’s been nearly 4 years since I’ve dated/been in a relationship. Also, I am not convinced that those who found their love can relate to me. Why should they. I can’t relate to my single friends, because some of their ways in going about dating is not my style. Sigh. So, I remain silent. Silence is not something I always embraced. In fact, I tried to avoid it. I realized as of late that being silent is helpful when putting things in perspective. This process continues.

I was almost in a bus accident this evening. A man purposely walks in front of the B38 bus as it pulls out onto a busy intersection. The bus driver stopped suddenly to avoid hitting him. I was seated, yet my body forcibly jerked forward as people tumbled on and around me. The bus was inches away from the man. He walks across slowly as if he did nothing wrong. He smirked as the people on the street and bus yelled and cursed at him. I felt shaken up and upset. The way that man looked was evil. He knew exactly what he was doing, and knowing that bothered me the most. As we proceeded, one of the passengers who fell stood up and began praying. She spoke of the importance of God and believing in Him. She also expressed how precious life is and how close we almost lost it. I almost cried. I agreed with her. As she said, “God bless you all,” I said “Amen,” and watched her get off at her stop. I had planned to stop at the store to get some dinner. I lost my appetite and just wanted to go home. My hip hurts from the impact, yet I am thankful to be here. I know life is short. I am not ready for my life to end.

I am nowhere near fully understanding this transition I am in, but through patience and faith it will come to full circle. As of now, the notebook has become my best friend. 

The Duck (A short short story free-write)

The waves are crashing against the rocks

Seaweed on the rocks are basking in the sun’s glow

An overcast of clouds appear

The water’s tide shifts and begins to rise

A duck peeks its head out

His webbed feet paddles him along the current

He ducks disappearing under the cloudy, green, murky water

Eventually he reappears this time with fish in its beak

The small silver fish didn’t stand a chance

The duck swallows it whole and paddles its way towards the current

He disappears again

Sun peeks in and out of the clouds

Clouds blend in with the gray sky

The breeze picks up as boats go by

Water’s current swiftly moves along

The duck has yet to return

Author's note: Written at the waterfront at Brooklyn Bridge Park (DUMBO)

The Sign

“I see eternity”

Really?

Still wondering about my destiny

Who I am and where I belong

Roaming around like lyrics to a song

Always observing the morning skies

Taking endless bus rides

Asking many whys

Countless sighs

Loneliness sets in

A battle without win

Lost waiting to be found

Wonder if anyone will come around

Mirror less reflection only my eyes see

Trying to be a better me

How can I see eternity

When I don’t understand my reality?

The sign is misleading

I walk away without feeling

Author's note: Written on 7/10/14 while waiting to be called in for jury duty.