Summer moods

This has been a reflective summer thus far. The transition continues, teaching me something new each day. I've been quiet on this journey called life. I haven't talked to too many people, nor have I posted much on social media. For the first time, my mind and heart won't allow me to express myself. I feel many things yet I can't seem to find the words. Maybe I am not supposed to. I spend most of my days either home working on school work, which by the way is going very well. I passed my first class, Intro to Human Services with an A, and I’m now in week 3 of my second semester/class, Intercultural Communication. I got an A on my first paper. I am proud of these accomplishments, because I didn't anticipate doing this well in grad school. I am enjoying this process and what I'm learning. When I'm not doing school work, I am crafting. I still love to collect stuff, recycle, and recreate them into something new. Since I love the beach, I am trying to bring the beach home by creating beach-themed decorative art. 

I took a mini hiatus from Facebook and the response was surprising. Many wondered what happened to me. I am honored by their concerns, but taken back by the amount of response received while away. I left because I needed to and still need to focus on me. I am always there for everyone, but rarely there for self. Also, I haven't been feeling my best about some things. Since my mind and heart isn't allowing me to share, I pray instead. I write also. The more I write, the better I feel releasing my feelings and thoughts. Carrying a notebook everywhere I go has become routine for me.

I went to Coney Island beach to reflect. I love going to the beach. I picked seashells, collected some sand (I plan to use it for a crafting project), wrote, videotaped the shoreline, and did a voice recording. I plan to transcribe all my voice recordings to add them to my book. The video recordings of the water is for my own relaxation. I’ve made several videos of the water’s current both at the beach and waterfronts. Anytime I feel I need an escape, I play back the videos. Listening to the water’s current is soothing. At the beach, I had a chance to walk into the water (ankle deep) without my cane. This was a gift to self, entering the water freely without any assistance. It’s been a long time I could do that since my hip surgeries. I always listen to music when I’m at the water reflecting. That day I listened to a cassette tape I made 10+ years ago of house music. It’s special to me, because I used to listen to it a lot when I would visit Rockaway beach by myself. I traveled a lot by myself in the early 2000s. The music helped me not to feel nervous and instead liberated. Listening to it that day felt liberating!

I spend a lot of my days at the waterfront at Brooklyn Bridge Park. I enjoy sitting or standing watching the water’s current, and the boats that pass by. I like listening to music and daydream. Most of the time I just think about anything and everything. I pray as well as reflect on self. I try to understand my emotions more. Loneliness is something I struggle with most of the time. I despise it. Even at the waterfront I feel alone. Most of the time I don’t mind it, but there are those times when it bothers me. It’s not being alone that bothers me, it’s not having anyone to share the time with together. When I say “anyone,” more specifically I mean a man that I am dating or in a relationship. I could invite people to the waterfront with me, yet I tend not to because it’s my special place. It is my escape from reality. It’s not the whole park that I am attached to, only a section of it.

I have finally reached the “Why am I still single,” stage. I’ve heard people go through it in different ways. It’s the stage when (it seems) everyone around you is either married, dating, or in a relationship. I dreaded this stage to find me. I don’t like talking about it. In my many attempts in talking to people about it, I tend to get the generic “It will happen for you someday,” or having to hear how blissful their relationship is with whomever. The “one day you will be lucky to find someone like my so and so” comment is something I don’t want to hear. I rather just be with my own so and so.  I am always happy for those who found their love. Unfortunately, I can’t express it now especially when I am feeling so alone, and sad about being single at 33. It’s been nearly 4 years since I’ve dated/been in a relationship. Also, I am not convinced that those who found their love can relate to me. Why should they. I can’t relate to my single friends, because some of their ways in going about dating is not my style. Sigh. So, I remain silent. Silence is not something I always embraced. In fact, I tried to avoid it. I realized as of late that being silent is helpful when putting things in perspective. This process continues.

I was almost in a bus accident this evening. A man purposely walks in front of the B38 bus as it pulls out onto a busy intersection. The bus driver stopped suddenly to avoid hitting him. I was seated, yet my body forcibly jerked forward as people tumbled on and around me. The bus was inches away from the man. He walks across slowly as if he did nothing wrong. He smirked as the people on the street and bus yelled and cursed at him. I felt shaken up and upset. The way that man looked was evil. He knew exactly what he was doing, and knowing that bothered me the most. As we proceeded, one of the passengers who fell stood up and began praying. She spoke of the importance of God and believing in Him. She also expressed how precious life is and how close we almost lost it. I almost cried. I agreed with her. As she said, “God bless you all,” I said “Amen,” and watched her get off at her stop. I had planned to stop at the store to get some dinner. I lost my appetite and just wanted to go home. My hip hurts from the impact, yet I am thankful to be here. I know life is short. I am not ready for my life to end.

I am nowhere near fully understanding this transition I am in, but through patience and faith it will come to full circle. As of now, the notebook has become my best friend.