Being home sick for 3 weeks have been difficult both physically and emotionally. It has especially taken its toll emotionally. Not sleeping and in constant pain is difficult. It's even more difficult trying to explain "why" and "how" this happened in the first place. I am no doctor, I am not God, so I cannot say how or why this happened. All I know is it's here, it's daunting, and it's been making me feel miserable. I'm starting to accept walking with a cane, although I'm working on feeling pretty. I'm still worried about what's to come in the near future. Will I get better? Do I need surgery? Will I need a cane for the rest of my life? Will I lose my job, again? Will this affect my self-esteem? Will I feel confident to date? These are questions I ask myself often. I don't have answers to any of them yet.
The road ahead: I saw the hip specialist today. It seems my hip is in worse shape than it was a year ago. My doctor's exact words were, "I'm concerned. We need to get to the bottom of this asap." I will need a MRI to determine if I need surgery. I have a strong feeling I will need it. The pain, however, is stuck with me until it's completely rectified. *Sigh* In all of this drama, I feel I'm losing a sense of self. I don't feel normal as I did before. In fact, I feel very disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated, and so on.
Last night, I opened a tote-bag that had my notebook of lesson plans, pencils, markers, smiley stickers, and copies of students' writing assignments. This was the first time I looked inside it since June. On my last day of class (and work), I came home and dropped this bag on the floor near my closet. I refused to look at it. I didn't want to be reminded of the layoff, or the ending of my class. When I looked through everything, I wiped away tears and remembered each student in my class. I miss them very much. I miss teaching.
As I headed home today, I saw an art display titled, "Before I die..." and people's writings in colorful chalk. I became inspired, grabbed a piece of chalk, and wrote "Make others smile" drawing a smiley face. Before I die, I hope to make others smile. To me, a smile is a great gift one can give to someone. It gives hope. I read the other messages. I feel I needed to see this today.
The truth is, I am not where I want to be right now. I'm not in the career I want to be in, I wish I was in grad school. I miss having purpose to go to work in the morning. I miss the smiles and warm welcome from students who looked forward to my teaching. I always thank them for allowing me to be myself. I even miss teaching grammar! Haha. I miss being a girlfriend. I would love to date but don't feel confident with my current situation. I don't like feeling lonely. It's hard to love someone who's hurt you. It's even harder to love someone who doesn't notice you. I'm dealing with both. I don't like being broke. I miss being able to take care of my bills without worrying about missing a payment. Money is something I can't seem to have enough of. Lastly, I miss Me. I miss the Dara who ignored all these things and lived life freely. She didn't let anything hold her back. She always did the impossible.
I'm trying to find Dara. I know she hasn't left me.