And so I realized

"Someday my words will carry into the hearts of many, may even amend or create new friendships. All I have, all I know are my words. They are me."

I posted this quote on Twitter today. It's been a week since I posted on Twitter and Facebook. It's been a long and very reflective week. I'm now in week 3 of recovering from surgery. I've been asked how I am, how I feel. The truth is it depends on the day. Some days are harder than others, both physically and emotionally but more physically. With continuous physical therapy, pain medication, and the use of crutches, I’ve adapted to this new reality. I haven’t felt down despite the fact I cannot go outside or walk well. In fact, I’ve used this time to not only reflect (as I always do), but pray, write in my journal (it’s been a while), and read the Bible. I also spent time reading books, listening to inspirational CDs and music. TV bores me, with the exception of the news (I love watching PIX 11 News) and my favorite show, Storage Wars. An important thing I’ve discovered by being quiet is learning how to forgive. For some time, I was upset with certain people about unresolved issues. I used to think it was easier to stay away and not face the hurt I feel. Sooner or later it must be done.

I’m learning to forgive all who have hurt me, and make amends with them. I recently made amends with someone I’ve known practically my whole life. Despite our rocky times, the years we’ve known each other are priceless. We both realized how important it is to maintain our friendship, and move forward on a positive note. I’m happy that has finally happened, because I truly love and care about this individual and he feels the same about me. I pray more consciously of what I want in my life and the people in it. I try not to expect anything from anyone. I’m learning to accept people truly as they are their flaws and all. I realized that being angry is a vice and something that shouldn’t be held on to. In fact, it stumps one’s growth and causes bitterness instead of happiness. I’d rather be happy. The books I’m reading have helped in this quest, as well as, explore further what I want to pursue once I’m healed. I’m learning a lot about a career I admire, the importance of self-care, helping people effectively, and being true to self. I always felt I needed people to validate who I am in order to help others. Thankfully, I no longer feel that way.

As for my Twitter quote, I feel my words define who I am one sentence at a time. It’s the reason why I started this blog and share my thoughts with the world. I believe words are what we make them to be; we create our own definition. When I’m alone, I feel all I have are my words because they are the things I can always go to when I need to express, or create something on paper. I feel they are the universal tools in getting a message across, and can affect how others feel. I believe it can make a difference to people in some form or fashion. I hope my words make a difference.

Keep going

To wait or not to wait

For you to come around

Obvious it won’t happen

Selfishness has no sound

No warning when it occurs

Honestly I prefer

To hide and disregard

Seems to be the thing to do

When needed most

You ask, “Who are you?”

Keep going, I say

Why pretend or amend?

If you weren’t a friend before

You’re not a friend at all

The Surgery

Thursday, January 12, 2012

8:35 pm After the surgery: “Hi Mom, where’s Dad? Are they preparing me for surgery?” Mom smiles over me and says, “They took care of that already. Dad will be right back. How are you feeling?” As fast as I tried to reply, I moaned in pain and fell back to sleep. All I remembered was seeing bright lights, a nurse asking how bad the pain from zero to ten was, and feeling incredibly groggy and sore. When I told the nurse the pain was an eight, she gave me more medication and out I went. This lasted for a while until I felt okay enough to go home. I remember every one’s voice was loud and I saying “okay” a lot, as well as feeling cold. I don’t remember much of the ride home, but apparently I sent a Facebook message saying surgery went well. Getting out the car was tough; I began to cry in trying to walk with the crutches. As Mom held me saying, “Its okay baby, don’t cry,” Dad helped me up the stairs imitating the voice of my favorite wrestler, Bret Hart. That always makes me laugh. Before I knew it, I was home with a leg brace I hadn’t noticed before, felt sleepy and nauseous. Mom made tea with lemon, warm bread and apple sauce. I took one bite of the bread, barely touched the apple sauce and drank most of the tea. I lay down and went to sleep. 

8:15am Morning of the surgery: I woke up feeling nervous but ready to get the day going. Mom, who I think was more nervous than me, didn’t say much but asked how I felt. I felt quiet too. Dad met us downstairs at 9:30am where we wished each other a happy New Year. Before I got into the car, the sun peeked out of the clouds. I had to take a picture. I felt that was God’s way of giving me hope. The drive to the hospital was nice, some small talk, and eventually Dad played some jazz. I took pictures along the way. Once we found parking (which was hard) near the hospital, my legs felt weak. 

As we walked inside, the security guard (He was handsome, although that wasn’t a focal point) was nice and pointed us to the Ambulatory Surgery area. The doctor/receptionist, whom I’m sure, could see the nervousness on my face, smiled and said with a burst of energy, “I know why you’re here! Not to worry, I’ve been here many times for broken bones…sports!” We laughed as I signed in and went to the waiting area. Moments later, I had to go upstairs to get my crutches and learn how to use them. When I arrived back to the waiting area, it wasn’t long until I was called in. I hugged my parents and went inside as they said, “Good luck Professor” (Professor is my nickname). 

Its afternoon, the wait continues: I didn’t have my watch so I had no idea what time it was. I met the nurse, who was also nice, and she explained what would happen next. I cried. I promised myself I wouldn’t and apologized for doing so. The nurse was understanding and told me that was normal. Eventually, I was sent to another waiting area where Mom and Dad could sit with me. I was scheduled to go in at 1pm, but wasn’t seen until after 4pm. When I went into the surgery room, it looked like a spaceship. All the equipment and gadgets were cool to see but the operating table made me nervous. The anesthesiologist was kind and made me laugh. I figured it would take a while for me to fall asleep. I was wrong. I remember being moved and holding on to the railing of the stretcher moaning, “Ooh this hurts,” and someone saying “That’s because you just had surgery.” My eyes were closed. The next thing I remember was feeling the breathing tube in my nose, and saw the clock say 8:35pm. 

The Aftermath: This was an interesting experience. Although the pain is no joke and recovery will take a while, I’m glad this two year nightmare is over. I feel renewed knowing I survived this procedure, and I will walk well again. That was my wish. I feel God has washed away any lingering bad things that surrounded me prior to surgery. I’m grateful for Him and my parents for being there with me. It meant a lot and I love them for it. I feel Life will be different going forward, I feel different in a good way. I’m on the road to being completely healed, and that makes me smile.

The day before

There are those times when I feel confident in what I do or about to face. I thrive on inspiration and in helping others feel better in dealing with their situations. Today I'm not confidant, and I don't feel happy. In fact, I am scared. Tomorrow is my surgery. I received a call from a nurse stating the time I need to be at the hospital. In speaking with her, I felt my voice crack and stated I feel nervous. She replied, "If you weren't nervous something would be wrong." I knew this day would come, and I psyched myself believing I would feel confident when it did. Instead I feel afraid, nervous, and been crying for most of the day. I feel silly, because I know I'm in good hands and I'm going to a good hospital. My parents will be with me. I know God will see me through but I'm still afraid. It makes me sad that it has come to this, surgery. Apart of me was hoping it didn't have to, but the body has it's own agenda. There are other things that contribute to this sadness, but I cannot talk about it yet. This is one blog post I cannot offer anything inspirational, because I don't feel inspired.

Tomorrow is another day. Wish me luck. 

Vamos! Let's go!

Vamos! Let’s go!

A New Year awaits

Don’t be nervous or hesitate

Just go with the flow

It’s time to take center stage

Show the world who you are

Turn a new page

Your chapter, your memoir

Feel good, be proud

Always stand tall

Don’t change for anyone

True to self is always allowed

Don’t worry or stress

Cry if necessary

Speak your mind

No one’s worth the depress

Love self, love others

Remember your worth

No need for dedication

If there’s no appreciation

Smile because you can

Be the leader of your own band

Ignore the haters, the naysayers

Life’s too short for phony actors

Be your own friend

Don’t be defined

By people or circumstances

You are your own trend

Happy New Year 2012

A new year, a new journey to embark on, welcome back to my corner. As January rolls in, I feel renewed and ready to experience a new year. I’m also curious to see what’s in stored for 2012, where will I go, what will I become, what new trails will this Creative Corner take? It’s exciting to think of the possibilities! Of course the most important thing I’m grateful for is to see another year. Life is so short and many weren’t fortunate to see this New Year. I’m one of the lucky ones. Usually, resolutions are made for the New Year, and as fast as they’re made, they’re broken. I rather say that I have goals instead of resolutions, because I know I will work hard to accomplish them. I have many goals and dreams, but first things first it’s time to walk again.

Countdown to Surgery: Pre-operation examinations

As you know, I’m having surgery for my left hip. It’s an outpatient surgery and won’t require me to be admitted into the hospital. However, the recovery time will depend on how my body takes the procedure along with physical therapy. It’s a long road ahead but I’m ready for it. I went to two pre-operation examinations. The doctors want to make sure I’m fully prepared for surgery, and since this is my first time it’s crucial everything is done right. The first exam was hard since it required balancing activities which is hard for me to do. The second exam was EKG, X-rays, and blood work. I’m thankful to the physical therapists, nurses, and doctors for their dedication in helping me get well. It’s been a 2-year journey in finding doctors who actually care about their work and their patients. 

 

Reflections

After my doctor’s appointment, I decided to take a walk. I knew I should’ve headed straight to the train station, but I wanted to soak in some sun and reflect. Of course I couldn’t start without having a cup of coffee first! I took a slow stroll on a busy Manhattan street. The sun was big and bright. I smiled knowing she was following me. I began to reflect on how far I’ve come in the past two years. I remembered my students and the classroom I adored. I remembered their smiles and dedication. I also remembered the message I told them when we found out classes was ending due to budget cuts. I said, “No matter what happens in the future, always be confident in yourself and remember to stand tall.”  I must admit, I almost forgot that during the past year when I allowed people and my health woes to depress me. I now know I cannot retract on those words, I cannot let my students down, I can’t let myself down. 

I reflected on my emotions and asked God to strengthen that. I have a big heart and love many, but I've learned that some people don’t deserve your love or your heart. I know I have to step back and be more observant. I’ve seen people’s true colors during this ordeal, and as much as it hurts to see I’m thankful of the revelation. A true friend is one who is there for you no matter what condition or situation you’re in. A true friend is honest and doesn’t deceive. A friend is just that, a friend. Someday I will have that, I have to be patient. Lastly, I reflected on my inner strength and God. I’m so grateful He has been my rock in handling medical staff, the ups and downs of tests, attitudes, prejudices, and persistence. I’m grateful He saw me through all of this. God is my best friend. I approached the train station. The walk seemed short even though I walked 7 blocks. I even learned a new route coming home. I never took this train home before. This is a big city. One may get lost getting to their destination, but you can always find your way back home.