My dying rose

Usually I write about things that makes one happy or inspired. But sadly this post will be a little different. One of my challenges, as a writer, is writing about things that upset me. I always like to be happy and positive. However, this week has been an emotional roller-coaster for me and it's only fair I express those feelings. I believe a true writer has to talk about the good and bad things in life. So here's my "bad" so to speak.

I've noticed that I am trying too hard to pretend things don't bother me when they do. I drown myself into work and school to erase how I feel inside. Sadly, this is not healthy because it will come out eventually. I have to confront these feelings and deal with them head on. For starters, I feel frustrated that I am unable to meet someone who is interested in me. I am trying to ignore this feeling, but for almost 10 years, I haven't had any success in my relationships, nor have I been able to meet someone who likes me...romantically. I have always been called the "friend," "sister," or "confidant." Don't get me wrong, I like being these roles because I love being there for others. I love people. However, I desire to be loved in a romantic way, one that will make me feel complete. It's the one thing lacking in my life which makes me very sad. And although I have a lot of great friends, family, and students, I still feel lonely. It's a struggle I've dealt with for years and it doesn't seem to go away.

Another frustration is when I like someone; I don't know how to approach him, or how to express myself. I am not confident in this category. I know I hate rejection and the feeling I get when someone tells me they're not interested. I know this is apart of life but it still hurts deeply. What's worse is when I think that someone likes me and later find out they don't. That's very sad. This week I faced two challenges: confronted an ex and developing feelings for someone. My ex, who is a friend I dated before, broke my heart. Although he is sorry and I appreciate his apology, I don't think I could ever forget what happened. I am willing to bury the hatchet and forgive. The new person I like is a new experience. I don't know what will happen with that, but I do know I like him a lot. Sometimes I want to say I "love" him, but love is a strong emotion. I don't know if I feel this way just yet, but the feelings I do have are strong. This may sound petty, but watching someone you like openly express his like or interest towards another makes me feel bad. I think to myself, "what about me? Am I not worth the interest too?" I shouldn't feel this way, because everyone is entitled to like who they want, but it's hard for me to see that. It would be easy to say, "I don't care," but I'll only be lying to myself.

I feel like I'm standing outside the world looking in. At times I don't feel apart of it, because I am unique and feel different. And sometimes I don't feel I'm meant to have a man love me, because it's always a problem: he's married, he's gay, he's confused, he doesn't know what he wants, he has a "situation," he doesn't like "plus size" women, he's not into "Black" women, etc etc. I've heard it all! People tell me all good things come to those who wait. I'm not that patient, so this is something I'm working on. I am trying not to look for anyone, and let someone come to me. But as I'm approaching 30 and can't seem to get my "foot in the door," so to speak, it doesn't make me feel good.

A rose is bright and red. It's also vibrant and happy. Over time it begins to wither and crumble, turns dark. It begins to hang over. The rose still holds its form, just stiff and dry.

I feel like a rose sometimes...

The Shadow of my Existence

I'd like to think there are many dimensions to me...actually I know there are. I have many things that make Dara who she is. My way of thinking is creative, I'm friendly, I enjoy things that are different from many, I am different. I feel there's a shadow that follows me everywhere I go. Who is she? She is my inner-self. The one who knocks sense into me when I feel impulsive. She is my confidant, my advisor, my advocate. She never leaves my side. I could write a book about myself, but will I? If I did, where would I begin? I believe that we all have many sides to us, so many that it'll be hard to capture them all to fully express the true self.  I feel I am learning more about me each day. I am saying and thinking things I never knew lay quietly in my head. I surprise myself sometimes! I guess this is the beauty of growing up. You learn about yourself. Your shadow makes more of an appearance, and guides you to places you never knew existed.

Creating this blog is something I didn't know I could do. Seems simple, but in fact it's a huge step for me to share my inner-self to strangers. Why should anyone be interested in what I have to say? I'll never know the answer to that. That is not my concern. I just desire to be heard, and allow my emotions to come out and play. Since I love to talk, I enjoy being expressive. Writing allows me to be expressive in a way where I'm not saying much, but the impact is left. Through this blog, I am able to leave an impact on people I know personally, or those I never met. Either way, I am sharing my creativity with the world which makes me happy.

I am the shadow of my existence. At 29 years old, I have a lot more to learn. I am no where near knowing everything (if that is even possible), or educated enough to understand every theory, philosophy, methodology, psychology, or any "ology" of life. I am excited on this new "trail" I'm taking (thank you my friend for utilizing such a great word to best describe our many journeys). This trail of writing, promoting, taking pictures and videos, teaching, lesson planning, advocating, loving, hugging, smiling...all of these and so much more are part of my trail. I am proud of it. As for my shadow, she is there with me on this trail. I believe she will help me stay on the trail when I feel doubtful, sad, or frustrated. Who said this trail would be easy? My shadow will smile at me when I don't, and she will hug me when I'm alone. This path we share is something that will continue for many years to come. I look forward to the new possibilities and surprises that comes along the way.

Sun! How I love thee

Here are a couple of pics to express how much I love the sun. Its warmth makes me feel alive, and its brightness makes me feel euphoric. This is one of the reasons I call myself "sunbubbles" on Twitter. I am a bubble that never bursts; I travel bringing light to everyone in my path (I'd like to think this is true). Enjoy!

The best Valentine's Day a girl could have

Today, I woke up like any other day when I realized it's Valentine's Day. Instead of my "Oh I don't have a Valentine" routine, I said my prayers, took in the bright sun (it was bright today), and began my day. I even cooked breakfast (something I don't usually do!). I was planning to observe a class today but something told me not to go. So I rescheduled for tomorrow. I was putting on my perfume when I received an email. The email was from my friend. He was doing a story about a new idea from the MTA to track bus schedules via text messaging. One of the buses using this new "tracking" system is a bus I take, the B63 in Brooklyn. I take this bus to go home from work and not only it's slow, but takes me a long time to get home. When he said he wanted to meet with me, I was so happy. "Is it possible I'm going to meet someone I admire so much...on Valentine's Day of all days?" I thought to myself. I must have ran from my room to the living room many times preparing my bags, putting on my shoes, even picking out what coat to wear! I began my journey.

Luckily, the bus and train were running fast (this is definitely luck), and I didn't feel as nervous as I thought I would. I felt calm and confident. Once I got to my destination, I saw my friend with his camera man walking across the street. I yelled out his name. He looked towards me and said "Hi, Dara." This is the first time meeting my friend, which is something I prayed about for a long time. We hugged, talked, and began the story. I always wanted to be on TV. To experience my dream with someone I admire (more than words can express), was one of the best things that could happen to me. He is so charming, funny, and just himself. He seems larger than life on TV, but in person, he is like all of us. Working hard, making a difference, staying on the trail of something different. I had the pleasure of telling him how much I care about him. This is so personal for me to share, because of how I feel towards him. Although there is so much I wanted to say, I wanted to take in every moment, every word, every smile we gave each other. That was more important to me.

After we finished the story about the bus, we took pictures and talked some more. One of the many moving things he shared with me is his appreciation of my Facebook group (which honors him). Also, he expressed that when I get down, don't let it get to me. Stay strong and continue staying on the trail. He must of read a recent note I wrote on Facebook where I expressed my sadness as of late. Knowing he reads my work does my heart wonders. An inspiration, creative, funny, and kindhearted individual I've admired for a long time, I had the chance to meet face to face. I will forever love this Valentine's Day, and will forever love him.

Thank you for making this woman feel special and beautiful.

Happy Valentine's Day 2011

Dara Day 2011

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Every so often I like to have a “Dara Day” where I explore new neighborhoods, drink a latte, and take pictures of what I see. It’s also a time that allows me to reflect, think about the future, and be one with myself.  I explored the downtown area and Sunset Park neighborhoods of Brooklyn. The weather was nice, in the mid 40s, and even with ice on the ground, the sun was bright. When I have these “Dara Days,” I like to have a drink from Starbucks. I love going to Starbucks! Their drinks, warm or cold, and ambiance makes me feel euphoric. I bought a hot caramel macchiato. Yum! What I found funny was the way they misspelled my name from Dara to “Bara.” I laughed. Then I headed to the Promenade where I took in the clear blue sky, bright sun, and slipped on some ice. Don’t worry, I didn’t fall…just skated! I found an empty bench and stared at the skyline of Manhattan. No matter how difficult life can be in New York City, I’ll always love its skyline. As the wind blew, I closed my eyes listening to Queen Latifah’s “Nature of a Sista” album. Every time I listen to her music, I feel like queen. I began daydreaming about the summer and what I would like to do. For instance, I want to take the Circle Line around Manhattan. I want to party at the South Street Seaport. I want to revisit Harlem and buy some sweet incense oils to wear.  I began to smile. Then I thought about visiting Rockaway beach and collecting some seashells. I may even wear a bathing suit instead of shorts and a T-shirt. I was awakened from my daydream when I heard someone slipping on the ice near me. As I looked, a couple stood. The man was helping his girl from falling on the ice. How sweet, I thought. 

I decided to leave the Promenade having a desire to go to the park. The ice didn’t intimidate me. At this point, I took one last gulp of my caramel macchiato and headed out.  I ended up going to Sunset Park, which is one of my favorite neighborhoods. I want to live there someday. The wind picked up speed, and I had to use the bathroom. I knew I couldn’t stay out there long. As I walked towards the center of the park, there were huge pockets of ice and slush. Not to mention I was wearing sneakers. I wasn’t sure if I could reach the center where a flagpole stands. There is a nice view of Brooklyn and the water (“Gowanus” I believe it’s called). I wanted to get there to take some pictures. So I took a step. “This isn’t so bad!” I thought.  I took another step until I walked midway to my destination. The following step was…well…”squish!” I couldn’t move. My foot got stuck in a pocket of ice. “Oh no! How am I going to get back?” I said aloud. A few kids were around, but not close enough to help me. The few who saw me started to laugh at me. I can’t blame them; I would’ve laughed at myself too. “Well I’m not leaving here without my picture!” I thought to myself.  I took out my camera phone and took some pictures. As I looked back, I didn’t realize how far I’d walked on the ice. I gently moved my foot out of the ice pocket and stepped onto some slush. To my relief, I was able to walk…somewhat. Once I got to dry land, I smiled and left the park. 

The sun was setting. It was beautiful. I headed to a nearby diner where I ate, rested, and of course used the restroom. 

This was a good Dara Day. 

On my creative path--here's where you can find me

For the past few days, I've been thinking of ways to promote my writing and connect with more people. I feel writing is a great way to make friends. So here's what I've been up to. I am going to list some of the places you can explore my creativity. Check them out, leave a comment, or feel free to say hello. I don't bite :)

On Facebook I have a writer's page called Kirsten's Horizon. This is a page dedicated to my writing. Here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/dara.k.fulton#!/pages/Kirstens-Horizon/171205499582881

I've also been writing 6 word stories from an online magazine called Smith Magazine. There you will find 6 word stories varying from different topics such as life, love, heartbreak, etc. Here's the link to my bio and stories: http://www.smithmag.net/community/people.php/crystalizedsunsmile

Today I created a You Tube channel called DKirstene Creative TV. This is a new project. Not only I plan to promote my writing, but to test my video recording skills. It's still a work in progress. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/user/DKirstene

Lastly, I am on Twitter. I've started a "Twitter" story which is a line by line story of a woman who has a hidden love for someone she has yet to meet. This is a continuous story which I hope will become a complete manuscript. www.twitter.com/sunbubbles28 Feel free to follow me :)

So there you have it! I am bouncing along my creative path. I look forward to more creative muses and make more connections.  Happy reading! :)

Xin yin kuai ler!

What did I just say??? Let's see if you can figure it out by the time you finish reading this blog. Tonight, I attended a party with my students. There were lots of food, the color red, smiley faces, and music...that weren't in English. I dressed up for this party to show my appreciation of a culture I've been experiencing for 6 years. Pictures were taken, lots of them, and applause when guests arrived. We talked about our goals, things we wanted to accomplish, and even some wishes for our families. The food was colorful, from different regions within the same country, and tasted oh so good! Or I should say, "ho mei" (yummy). I felt proud by the reception I received from the students, and loved the hugs more. When done, everyone left with a plate or tray of food to take home. I had my share packed in shopping bags! They were happy and so was I. It was an honor to attend this party, and I am more honored to be their teacher.

Can you guess what type of party this is? I'll give you a hint. It's something "new" and is celebrated in China.