Usually I write about things that makes one happy or inspired. But sadly this post will be a little different. One of my challenges, as a writer, is writing about things that upset me. I always like to be happy and positive. However, this week has been an emotional roller-coaster for me and it's only fair I express those feelings. I believe a true writer has to talk about the good and bad things in life. So here's my "bad" so to speak.
I've noticed that I am trying too hard to pretend things don't bother me when they do. I drown myself into work and school to erase how I feel inside. Sadly, this is not healthy because it will come out eventually. I have to confront these feelings and deal with them head on. For starters, I feel frustrated that I am unable to meet someone who is interested in me. I am trying to ignore this feeling, but for almost 10 years, I haven't had any success in my relationships, nor have I been able to meet someone who likes me...romantically. I have always been called the "friend," "sister," or "confidant." Don't get me wrong, I like being these roles because I love being there for others. I love people. However, I desire to be loved in a romantic way, one that will make me feel complete. It's the one thing lacking in my life which makes me very sad. And although I have a lot of great friends, family, and students, I still feel lonely. It's a struggle I've dealt with for years and it doesn't seem to go away.
Another frustration is when I like someone; I don't know how to approach him, or how to express myself. I am not confident in this category. I know I hate rejection and the feeling I get when someone tells me they're not interested. I know this is apart of life but it still hurts deeply. What's worse is when I think that someone likes me and later find out they don't. That's very sad. This week I faced two challenges: confronted an ex and developing feelings for someone. My ex, who is a friend I dated before, broke my heart. Although he is sorry and I appreciate his apology, I don't think I could ever forget what happened. I am willing to bury the hatchet and forgive. The new person I like is a new experience. I don't know what will happen with that, but I do know I like him a lot. Sometimes I want to say I "love" him, but love is a strong emotion. I don't know if I feel this way just yet, but the feelings I do have are strong. This may sound petty, but watching someone you like openly express his like or interest towards another makes me feel bad. I think to myself, "what about me? Am I not worth the interest too?" I shouldn't feel this way, because everyone is entitled to like who they want, but it's hard for me to see that. It would be easy to say, "I don't care," but I'll only be lying to myself.
I feel like I'm standing outside the world looking in. At times I don't feel apart of it, because I am unique and feel different. And sometimes I don't feel I'm meant to have a man love me, because it's always a problem: he's married, he's gay, he's confused, he doesn't know what he wants, he has a "situation," he doesn't like "plus size" women, he's not into "Black" women, etc etc. I've heard it all! People tell me all good things come to those who wait. I'm not that patient, so this is something I'm working on. I am trying not to look for anyone, and let someone come to me. But as I'm approaching 30 and can't seem to get my "foot in the door," so to speak, it doesn't make me feel good.
A rose is bright and red. It's also vibrant and happy. Over time it begins to wither and crumble, turns dark. It begins to hang over. The rose still holds its form, just stiff and dry.
I feel like a rose sometimes...