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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Stop and surrender


I took a break from writing, job searching, waiting for a response from grad school, people, and me. I stressed myself out trying to do everything at once. It was to such an extent that I gave myself a headache, literally! I cried and got aggravated by this waiting process hoping for something good to happen. I questioned my path and wondered if I will ever reach my dream. Family and financial woes didn’t help the equation either. This was a danger zone for me, and I knew I needed to take a break to sort things out. I stayed home, snacked on some junk food and watched comedies. My favorite comedies are Living Single, Martin and The Steve Harvey Show. There was a marathon of NY Undercover on cable. I could watch that show all day, I love it that much! I listened to music and daydreamed of how I want my life to be when I’m older. I always believed that life becomes adventurous at 40. Why? I feel, at that age, one no longer cares about the little stuff we young people focus on. They’re set in their ways, do what they want when they want, and have fun as they see fit. I like that. I hope when I’m 40, I’m successful in my career, either married or have a boyfriend, have tons of friends, and go out dancing every other weekend. Thinking of that makes me smile. I didn’t go online or turned on my laptop. I kept my phone on vibrate and only answered it if my dad was calling me. I did no reading or researching. I simply stopped everything.


The hardest thing to do is to surrender self. I’m used to having control of things. Lately, this control has become frustrating. The things I’ve been pursuing takes time, some problems cannot be solved, and not everything can be changed by self. I need to surrender. I went to the waterfront and the beach. Both experiences felt great. I listened to music from my walkman (yes I still own one!), music I haven’t heard in a long time. I wrote in my notebook and drank water. Watching the sun and clouds interact in the sky was beautiful. I took many pictures. The breeze from the water felt great. I wrote another to-do list, a simple one focusing on things I can do now, as opposed to the future. I daydreamed watching different kinds of boats passing by. At the beach, I watched how people were playing in the water. Some were like me sitting near the shoreline. I had no chair or towel; I just sat on God’s earth and stared into the horizon. As music played in my ears, I allowed my feet to feel the sand and drank coffee. Eventually, I stepped into the water watching my jeans get wet with each crashing wave. I didn’t care. I made footprints in the sand writing “On the trail,” and took a picture of it. I laughed to myself doing this, because it’s been years since I’ve done that.  I saw a woman nearby sitting against the huge rocks. I think she was praying. Like me, she got her pants wet too and I saw her smile. Maybe she was also reflecting.

Later, I walked to the pier and observed the elders fishing or sitting alongside their fishing equipment. They looked contented. For a moment, I envied them, because I feel I should be contented too. I found an empty spot and began talking to God. As I prayed, the sky opened up in a way that was beautiful. I felt like God was standing right next to me. I didn’t feel sad anymore, but comfortable. Watching the water’s current was relaxing, and the sun felt good. I recited the serenity prayer which reads: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” I absolutely love this prayer and believe in its words. I know I have to let go and let God, because He is in control not me. I cannot isolate myself from the world anymore, because that doesn’t solve anything. Lastly, I can’t let my pride dictate what I want to become. I need to trust my instincts and learn to trust people again. Not everyone is out to hurt me. I posted a picture on Facebook of me on the beach with the caption “Hello.” I received a lot of “hellos.” I know my friends missed me, I missed them too.

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