"I thank you Lord for allowing me to be here"
I woke up a little after 9am. As I stretched my arms out, the sunlight was beaming through my now empty room. I rubbed my eyes so I can take in the light. I smiled and sat up to say my prayers. Last week was a hard week of cleaning, and putting things in storage after having a bed bug outbreak. My back and hip are still sore. "I thank you Lord for allowing me to be here, to be alive on this 32nd year of life." After prayer, I noticed my phone was buzzing and it was Facebook and Twitter messages. My smile grew bigger by the amount of birthday wishes I was receiving, especially on Facebook. I felt honored. My mom walked in the room and said, "Happy birthday Professor," giving me a hug. I thanked her as she says, "Any comments?" I said yes and showed her my Facebook profile page. She was surprised too.
"I feel happy"
While drinking tea and eating a bagel, I admired the empty apartment. We worked hard and now it's clean with no bugs, no excess stuff, just space. I like it. Mom asked me, "How do you feel?" I replied, "I feel happy, because I'm just glad to be here to see another year." Mom sipped her coffee and then asks, "What are your plans for today?" "Nothing," I smiled, "I didn't make any plans and glad I didn't. Since my birthday fell on a Monday, it's hard to plan something when it's a workday. As for today, I am just going with the flow." We sat and talked for an hour. She received a call and I went back on social media to see the endless posts and happy messages. I responded to them all.
"I'm used to giving my all to people, so when it happens to me I don't know how to be"
Two Fridays ago, I went out with some Trail Team members and friends for dinner. We laughed and talked so much that we didn't order anything yet. As I looked at the menu, I heard, "Hello...happy happy." When I looked up, I saw my dear friend smiling at me as I said in a soft voice, "Mocker." I quietly laugh at myself, because the way I said his name (and probably the way I looked), is something
you'd see in a soap opera! I can be so dramatic when I'm around him, haha! I don't know, something about Greg Mocker intrigues me and makes me react that way! That's my buddy. I thanked him for coming and told him he's my gift. He smiled. That made my night. I really had a nice time with everyone and appreciate them for celebrating with me.
"Thank you for making my special day more special"
After Mom and I had dinner, Dad stopped by. I gave him a big hug and thanked him for the surprises. "Thank you both for giving me life and for just being here. That means more to me than anything else," I told my parents as I tried not to cry. I'm such a water bag! My dad smiled and said, "Thank you for being who you are." My brother later came in and wished me a happy day. I think he was happy to see me happy. He knows how I've been feeling lately. He's not the expressive type but his actions let me know how he feels. Around 9pm, I made a video thanking everyone for making my special day more special. I appreciate everyone for their love and support of me on this journey called life. It means more to me than they know.
Here's my thank you video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE7YJUPADUM
My goal for this 32nd year is to regain inner peace. I want to feel calm and not worry as much. I've taken the first step on Saturday. I took a class called Damage Assessment Basics at the Red Cross about assessing damage after a disaster both nationally and locally. It was a great class and I learned a lot. I told my manager that I decided to take a mini break from volunteering. I want to be emotionally stronger to handle disaster related stuff, and help clients effectively. I can't do that if I have unsettled issues plaguing my heart. The main issue I have now is not being where I want to be. I haven't felt important since losing my job, and I know that's not good because a job doesn't or shouldn't define me. Also, my careers (ESL teaching, writing, social work) are at a standstill for different reasons. Social work is a process and I won't become a social worker until I receive my Master's degree, and become licensed. I look forward to grad school next January. However, ESL teaching seems to be difficult to get back into with the drastic budget cuts and closing of programs. Writing, like social work is a process, except that I'm doing it now. I would like to take my writing to the next level. I want to do more freelance journalism work, as well as become published. There's still a lot I need to learn about the journalism business, but I'm willing to take steps in finding out. Competition is fierce in all my careers so I have to work harder.
One mistake I make is I'm way too hard on myself. I have to take time out for self, and not try to be a superhero. I think of myself as one sometimes. I've let my pride stop me from being human. It's okay to ask for help. It's hard for me, but I'm trying not to be so stubborn. Another step to inner peace is learning to love myself more. I beat myself up too much and my poor heart can't take it! I have to let love in and learn to trust again. I tend to tell friends to put their wall down, and let people in when in fact I do the same just differently. I bring people in my life but don't allow myself to be vulnerable around them. In fairness, many haven't seen me cry or get upset. They know me as always being bubbly. Friendship has many sides to it just like human beings. A true friend is one who accepts another for their good, their bad, and sometimes their ugly. Writing isn't enough when it comes to self-expression. People, I mean, friends need to experience it up close and personal. I'm learning.