Turn around, let's try this again

Let's try this again. I attended another interview this week, a position that interests me. A combination of teaching ESL, job readiness, and counseling. Right up my alley. The interview went well and lasted for over an hour. I learned about a new agency and met some nice ladies. I felt confident expressing my interest in the job position, my experience teaching ESL, and pursuit to becoming a social worker. I overheard the director say to the coordinator and assistant director, "She's good." I left smiling. Even if I don't get this position, I'm still grateful I had this opportunity.

A reminiscing moment

I took a walk in Chinatown after my interview on Wednesday. I passed by the school where my ESL teaching career began. I taught ESL classes weeknights at this school for two years. I thought about my students and wonder how they are. I wonder if some of them are still taking English classes. I remember my co-workers, and the days we would meet after work, drink bubble tea and discuss our classes. Good times. I miss them and my students. So much has changed since 2005. It was nice passing through the neighborhood again.

For the love of God

It's no secret that I am a believer of God, and I'm proud to admit that. I grew up loving and believing in God and Christianity. Although I don't belong to any church or particular sect, I read the Bible and believe in Jesus Christ. This is my belief. I'm not one to preach or tell people what and who they should believe in, because everyone has a right to feel what they want. However, I'm not surprised by the distancing I receive from some people when God's name is mentioned. It's as if I said a bad word (bad words are more accepted these days). For years, I've hid my feelings about my belief in fear that I would offend others. Even now I rarely mention God's name to my "friends." Notice I put quotations on the word friends. The truth is I don't trust everyone I call a friend, because not everyone is or acts like a friend. In regards to my belief, some "friends" shy away from me, or even become uncomfortable. It's unfortunate but understandable. I'm becoming closer to God, I can feel it. In a perfect world, everyone would believe in God. Since I know that's not possible (unless it's His will), I would like to meet people who are believers like me. It makes it easier to discuss God without getting ugly faces or attitude thrown at me. I believe my spirit is growing stronger where I can tell who's being honest or transparent. If confronted about this, some run away. The old me would run after them, the new me won't. I believe if people are meant to be in your life they will. I won't chase after anyone. I will pray for them instead. I once learned in Bible study that the closer one gets to God, the lonelier one can feel because many (who don't understand) will leave you alone. I'm seeing that now, but I don't care. I will always love God and He loves me.

Turn around

As a new week approaches, I look forward to doing things a little differently. Fall season is rapidly approaching, and it's usually the time I'm in school, teaching, or both. So far I'm doing neither, but who said it can't happen? I was never one to need financial benefits to make a difference. Where there's a will there's a way. I will find that way. Stay tuned.

Moving encounter

I hugged a stranger today. She cried on my shoulder. She was in despair and didn't know how to deal with her current circumstances. She wanted to give up. I encouraged her not to. I handed her a tissue to wipe away her tears. I shared those tears with her except mines stayed within me. She wondered if God was listening to her cries for help. I assured her that He is, because God always listens. The problems she's having aren't problems I haven't heard before. It's just the first time someone I didn't know shared them with me. She is losing her job this week and is sad. I understand and know what it's like to lose a job. We wished each other good luck. Before leaving, she hugged me again thanking me for listening. She said, "God bless." I said the same, and told her I will keep her and her family in my prayers. I prayed after she left.

I believe I may have saved her life.

Joy

What gives you joy? I wonder how many of us take the time to think about that. Joy can be in many forms, felt in many ways, or found in things we do or people we admire. The key is to have joy within self, because that allows joy to enter our lives. Finding and having joy are two different things. Some people have joy in their heart but unable to find joy in things they do or people they're with. Why is that? I wish I had the answer. At times I feel this way too. Then there are people who have no joy within and are searching for it. Sadly, this can be a difficult task. Joy reflects off a person. If you're not happy with self, others will pick up on that. If you're happy with self, people will gravitate to you. Now, what if you're the introverted type? Does that make that person less joyful? Not at all. I know some people who are happiest when alone. For those who like to be alone, it's necessary to do or be around things that makes them happy. Loneliness can lead to sadness.

How does one find joy?

There's no set formula except to think of things that you like to do, see, hear, spend time with etc. If you're a social bug, like me, being around people can make you happy. Conversations, hanging out, or doing an activity together can make you and the people your with happy. If you're the "by myself" type, then certain activities like going to a movie, eating at a local cafe, or enjoying a sports game, can make you feel good. When those times of despair come in (we all have those moments), this is when finding joy can be a challenge. For me, going by the water, listening to songs full of singing, or writing helps me deal with the down time. Some of us social types can easily become introverted when we feel sad. I know I tend to be alone when down. Mainly it's because of pride; I don't want to ruin any one's mood. Some introverted types become social when down (I've seen this happen). They want to be around groups of people, laugh, and not concentrate on their problems. This is good if done for the right reasons. Whether alone or with people, being able to deal with the problem is necessary. Once it's done, you can be happy again.

Are you happy?
 
Sometimes this is a difficult question to answer. In my opinion, it's a question we should all ask ourselves from time to time. If we say 'yes,' we have to mean it. After all, it's just you you're revealing this to. If our answer is 'no,' that has to be evaluated. This is where reflection comes in. We can't run away from ourselves, all we can do is face it and try to be happy. Happiness is important, it makes life more worthwhile.

Embrace joy.

Love whisper

With each passing cloud a whisper is released

Soft message travels in the air

Ear awaits silent note

A reminder that love hasn’t deceased

Dad and Darie

"Darie" is what my dad calls me.

I saw my dad today. He hasn't been feeling well and isn't 100% but has a good attitude about it. I'm inspired by his strength. It was nice having both my parents sit in the living room and chat about their day to day. I sat quietly listening. I became so lost in their discussion that I didn't hear my dad say, "So how are things with you?" Before I could answer my mom said, "Oh she's been keeping busy and on TV." My dad leaned forward from the chair and said in excitement, "Yeah I saw on TV--I said, 'that's my Darie'...same smile!" I laughed and told him I was picked as PIX 11 news Friend of the Day on Monday. I always like to see the excitement on my dad's face when he's seen me on television. This has always been his wish. From there we talked about my quest to finding work, writing, attending MTA hearings (he was surprised I made it to the boardroom), people in my life, and of course what I'm trying to pursue. Dad looked at me smiling, "You got it, so you will find something soon enough. Maybe where you're looking is not happening right now. Maybe you have to look elsewhere." I couldn't agree more. I told him that when he tells me things it always boosts my confidence. He makes me feel I can do anything I set my mind to, and is proud of me regardless of what I do. That means more to me than anything. I love him for that and more.

"Don't stop" is something my dad has been instilling in me since childhood. In my down moments I tend to feel discouraged. This has been a down time for me. I believe it takes self-motivation, and love for self to stand in front of doubt and push it aside. I also think it takes courage to cry, feel sad for the moment and start fresh the next day. It's not easy having your phone cut off and take your last to pay the bill. It's disheartening not able to buy food for the house because you paid the bills and don't have anything left. I'm a proud person and not one to ask anyone for money. I know what it's like to loan money and not get it back, so I don't like to borrow if I know I can't pay my debt. It's principle. I don't even like telling friends of my situation, because I don't want pity or phoniness. There's too much of that going around (through personal observation) and don't need any one judging me. Only God can do that. As I shared with my dad, I feel like I'm running a race and when I think I'm close to the finish line I'm no where near it. "Don't stop," he said adding "In life there are many bends along the journey but its how you maneuver around them that makes a difference." When he hears me discuss my pride, he shakes his head smiling. He knows I take after him. We like to take care of ourselves, we pride ourselves on success and being self-sufficient. When we're unable to do these things, it hits home. The difference between my dad and I is I'm expressive, he keeps to himself. My dad warns me of not allowing people to take my kindness for weakness (something I know all too well). And if there's something that needs to be said, say it, "You have that right." The power of voice; I learned that from him.

It was a good conversation and I feel better knowing I have his support. I won't stop. Someday I'll be on TV again, and when I am I will give my dad a shout out saying "Thank you for being a great dad."

Keeping the faith

I had a second interview this past Wednesday. I received an email from the employer on Friday stating I didn’t get the position. I shed a tear that evening. Took a walk on Saturday, vented my emotions to my mom, who is my rock, and allowed nature’s elements carry my thoughts into the atmosphere.  It was supposed to rain that evening. Lucky for me it didn’t rain. Instead I enjoyed the sunset and took a deep breath. There’s so much going on, things I want to express, but this time I rather keep them between God and I. I know He’s always listening, watching over me. Only He truly understands how I feel, what my desires are, and what I’m capable of doing. Not getting this job bummed me out because for the first time I felt confident that I got it. Usually when I go to job interviews, I’m not always confident. I try not to get too excited even when things look possible. I got excited for this position, because it’s my career. It was an ESL teaching position. When I did my demo lesson on Wednesday, I felt good afterwards. I liked how I answered the questions from the executive director; I walked out with my head held high. This position would have allowed me to teach and give back to my community. It was located in my neighborhood. Sigh. Everything happens for a reason. I have to try harder next time. I know there’s something out there for me. I have to keep my head held high and keep the faith. One way or another I will make a difference in this world. I will continue to try my best.

The week off

I was off this week. I didn’t make any plans or do anything special. I stayed home unless I went to the store. I purposely stayed home this week, because I needed to. I believe there are times when one must make time for themselves. In my case, I still kept in contact with everyone, still posted on Facebook and said hello to my Twitter friends. I opted to use this time to reflect and decide the next steps in pursuing my goals. I spent a lot of time praying (which I do every day) and talking with family. This week I found out my dad was in the hospital. As of now he’s okay but I haven’t had much luck reaching him. At times he doesn’t answer his phone. I keep him in my prayers and appreciate my friends for doing the same. I cried some this week, not out of sadness but joy. I had an interview last week and will have a second one next week. I am hopeful that I get this position. If I do, I will reveal what job position it is. I applied to grad school and my application is being reviewed. That’s another check on the to-do list. I pray I get in. It would be one step closer to reaching my ultimate goal and that is to get a Master’s in Social Work degree. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. There is something else I’ve been working on for months now, something that will definitely put a smile on my face. When it happens, you’ll be the first to know.

And then there’s the writing. I have a secret I must share with you. I have a fear of rejection, of my writing that is. I realized that when the thought of submitting my stories and poetry to writing contests or publishers made me nervous. Thoughts of “What if it’s not good enough” came to mind. Normally, I just go for it but for the first time I doubted myself. Instead of dwelling on it, I prayed and listened to my inspirational CD. By the next morning, I told myself the following: You are a writer. You write to share your creatively to the world. How will the world ever know it if you keep it all locked in? As for rejection, so what! Not everyone will like what you say or do but then again someone just might. You won’t know unless you try.  I opened up the laptop and got to work. My dream is to be published, whether it’s an article in a magazine or newspaper, or write a book, I want my name in print more now than before. I want my own ISBN number.

Certain people crossed my mind this week. Some I haven’t heard from in a while, others I hope are alright. I always pray for my friends, even if some mean more to me than a friend. I may not be in their lives like that but I’m always around whenever they need me. No update on the dating department, I’m not thinking about it. I’m too excited about what’s to come in my life. Plus I’m just stubborn. If someone’s interested to date me, I’m not that hard to find. *smile*

Here’s to a good weekend. I predict next week to be a good week.

My writing is weaving

Author's note: As a writer I'm constantly evolving through my words. I hope the world will see that someday.

My writing is weaving

On the surface of blank space

Threading words to create patterns

Sentences interlock emotion

My writing is weaving 

Through old and new experiences

Queries, submissions, blogging

Strive to be socially broadcasted

My writing is weaving

Sew together silent expressions

Compiling them into manuscript

Readership gives it voice

My writing is weaving constantly

It’s limitless to any boundaries

No set design is required

The process is worth the effort