This is all I want to do

“I am wondering if you are even listening and why I bother to tell you these things that will never make a difference…but this is all I want to do”—Billy Collins from the poem “Night Letter to the Reader”

I relate to Mr. Collins on this quote. Sometimes, I wonder why I have the desire to share my thoughts with the world. Is anyone actually listening? Does anyone really care? As a writer, I’m learning that you write to express, you express to share with others, and you share, well, just because. Every writer has their own idea as to why they write in the first place. I write for the satisfaction of sharing and knowing in some way it has helped or inspired someone. I don’t claim to be motivational or an inspiration, although I’ve been told I am. I like expressing myself for people to get to know me and my experiences. It’s those experiences that, I believe, can be related by others which create a circle of “relatable bonding” (as I like to call it). I like bonding with others.

For the past week, I’ve been home suffering from a reoccurring hip injury that likes to visit me every so often. It’s the most agonizing and annoying experience I have to deal with. What’s worse, it’s not going to get any better. There’s no cure for what I have…except surgery which isn’t a cure. It’s more like a “somewhat” way of fixing the problem that will have long-term effects. Looks like I’m not getting out of this one! While I was home trying to reclaim my sanity (just kidding), I did a lot of reading and thinking. This quote from Mr. Collins stood out for me, since I tend to care about what others think of me and my work. I know I should only be concerned with me, myself, and I, but I’m not a selfish person. I don’t focus on myself, instead wonder how I can be there for others. I think this health setback is a true test from God to see how I handle it, and if I will let it affect my goals.

Sometimes I feel this problem may interfere in what I want to do. I worry that I may end up crippled or in a wheelchair. I know this sound drastic but it can easily happen. I pray that won’t happen to me. It’s not to say I can’t have a fulfilling life if I was crippled or in a wheelchair, but I know it would affect me emotionally. Although it’s a struggle being in pain most of the time, or any little twist or turn can cause serious consequences, it makes me more determined to work harder to live a fulfilling life. In a month, I’ll be 30 years old. The last ten years were challenging filled with heavy academia, work, and bad relationships. I haven’t had a chance to really enjoy myself. My goal for the next 10 years is to continue learning and working, but have more fun socially. It’s time now. “…this is all I want to do” is how I feel when I write, teach English as a Second Language, and help people. However, I have many interests, some that I haven’t tapped into yet. I want to explore my talents and utilize my potential to welcome in new possibilities. This is my passion; it’s what gives me purpose in life, and in turn, keeps me motivated. As a friend on my Twitter page said, “Courage often isn’t enough—sometimes you need to have faith.” I couldn’t agree more.